My Journey

Lots of changes

2011-11-09T00:21:00.000-06:00

Obviously, I've not written in quite a while and I'm not even going to apologize this time :) There has been so much going on in my life that I just could express all my thoughts in words yet. Also, many things I WANTED to write about, just weren't something I want the whole world to read...

First big change, CJ and I have left our home church, Burlington First Church of the Nazarene. And because of that (somewhat because of that at least) I have lost my job as janitor. This decision has been a huge one that has taken a lot of my mental energy I would like to use for other things. (including blogging/journaling) One of the main reasons I've not written about this is because, I'm not going to publicly share the reasons why. There were conflicts and we disagreed with how things were being handled. We had felt God leading us to leave for awhile but my job held us there, so we wouldn't even truly consider it. Then there were the conflicts mentioned earlier and we knew God was "kicking us out". It was clear. It was very sad to leave. I grew up in that church. CJ and I were married there and Dani was dedicated there as well. So many memories...

Three weeks ago, my grandmother died. That, of course, was very hard. I've never lost a grandparent. It sucks. Although, my grandma was 96, sick and so ready to go home to the father of her children (he died before I was born) and her two children who went before her, it still sucked. I found out I'd lost my job one week and the next, she died. I had a very emotional two weeks to say the least. The visitation was extremely hard. I just didn't want to be there. There were very many well-meaning people who came to support me and my family but many of them asked about the church, why we left and if we were ok with it. I just couldn't deal. I didn't want to talk about it, I felt so betrayed and hurt. I just wanted to focus on Grandma. I pretty much avoided most everybody until I left. The funeral was good however. Hard, but good. I only really broke twice. Once when a conversation I had with her in the hospice house was mentioned (I didn't know that was coming) and when my cousin read the Christmas story. I know, I know, why did he read it? Let me explain... Every Christmas my Grandma made us read the Christmas story from Luke before we ever did anything else at our family's get-together. She made one of the 4 pastors/grandsons (depending on who was there) read it from her KJV red letter Bible. Every year we heard it, from the time we were babies. Never skipped it. Many of us cousins were talking at the visitation about how that's one our favorite memories of get-togethers and how we would miss that now that we probably would only see each other at reunions and such. We decided that we had to hear it one last time... I cried through the whole thing. My brother, Donnie, actually did her funeral. I admired him for it. I couldn't have done it. If you want to read a beautiful sermon about a wonderful woman here is a link to his blog where he posted the sermon in full. A few things changed as he read it but the content is pretty much identical.

There are many more things going on but those have been the two biggest changes/events lately. I'll blog more soon about others.

4th of July

2011-07-04T10:34:00.000-05:00

Below is an article Greg Boyd wrote for Relevant magazine. You can find the original link here

I am thankful to live in a country that acknowledges people have rights to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” and that empowers citizens to influence how they are governed. I know how rare such freedom has been throughout history, and how costly it has been to acquire and protect. I’m also proud of many other ideals America stands for, such as the principle that all people are created equal (though, we’re obviously still in the process of living up to this one). So, I see no problem with an American Christian being patriotic.

At the same time, followers of Jesus need to be very careful. History shows us how easy it is for Christians to forget that the Kingdom Jesus came to establish is “not of this world” (John 18:36, TNIV). And it’s to His Kingdom we are to pledge our sole allegiance.

Throughout history we find Christians buying the age-old pagan lie that God uniquely favors their country, and their national enemies are God’s enemies. Believing that lie, patriotic Christians have tragically followed the orders of earthly rulers and marched into battle “for God and country,” rather than following the example of Jesus—who gave His life for the people who persecuted Him.

Ironically, in some cases the “enemies” Christians have slaughtered have been other patriotic Christians who happened to be born in other countries, or other parts of the same country. Few things have done more to discredit Christianity than the patriotic zeal with which Christians have participated in violence.

“Whoever claims to live in him,” John teaches us, “must live as Jesus did” (1 John 2:6). When we compromise our commitment to living and loving like Jesus, we’ve crossed the line between healthy and idolatrous patriotism. Jesus and Paul repeatedly command us to love, bless, pray for and do good to our enemies, and to never retaliate or resort to violence. It’s healthy to patriotically appreciate the positive aspects of our country and our form of government. But we’re putting that patriotism in front of God the moment our allegiance to our country motivates us to kill our enemies rather than to die for them. And anything in our lives that comes before God is idolatry.

The danger of idolatrous patriotism is not just about how we compromise our love for enemies. If we become too invested in our nation, we can forget our real citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 1:27) and our job is to live as ambassadors of Christ ( 2 Corinthians 5:20). Rather than manifesting the distinctive values of the Kingdom of God, we can begin to assume the ideals of our culture are Kingdom values.

I appreciate that America recognizes my rights to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” but there is nothing distinctly Kingdom about these rights. They’re nowhere to be found in the Bible. To the contrary, as a follower of Jesus I’m called to surrender my rights to life, liberty and happiness, and instead submit to the will of God. These rights are noble on a political level, but they can get in the way of my call to seek first the Kingdom. I’m grateful America extends these rights to people, for most countries throughout history have not. But my sole allegiance is to the heavenly Kingdom that calls me to surrender my rights. If I get too concerned with an earthly country that frees me to pursue my rights, my healthy patriotism becomes idolatrous. I’ve put my country’s ideals before God.

Along similar lines, history consistently shows when we forget we’re “foreigners” and “exiles” in this world, we can begin to associate our preferred form of government or politics too closely with the Kingdom of God. Here, too, it’s crucial we follow the example of Jesus.

Despite the fact that He lived in an age when plenty of political and nationalistic issues were being hotly debated, Jesus never displayed the slightest interest in such matters. He didn’t come to bring us a “new and improved” version of the Kingdom of the world. He came to inaugurate a Kingdom that is “not of this world.” It’s a Kingdom that is no more Israeli than it is Palestinian; no more American than it is Iraqi; and no more socialist than it is democratic. Instead, it’s a Kingdom that encompasses people from every nation and political persuasion, for it puts on display the “one new humanity” Jesus died to create (Ephesians 2:15). In this Kingdom, Paul declares, there is no longer any Jew or Greek (Galatians 3:27-29). In our Kingdom, all national, tribal, ethnic, gender, social and economic distinctions are insignificant.

So over the Fourth of July weekend—and all year—be appreciative of your country. Be patriotic. But make sure your patriotism pales in comparison to your sacrifice, commitment and allegiance to the Kingdom of God.

Reflective

2011-06-30T22:59:00.000-05:00

Honestly, I'm not sure what this blog entry is going to be about... I feel like I want to put my feelings to "paper" but I'm not quite sure what exactly I'm feeling...

I'm thinking about my life, the changes that have happened recently and not-so-recently and where we are headed.

I'm thinking about Dani, my spit-fire of a daughter that is asleep in the next room. I'm thinking about how Dani entering our life changed our future so dramatically. We moved back to Iowa (which we said we'd never do) we worry about money and we depend on my parents more than we ever did as newlyweds. However, we also sometimes just sit and marvel at this incredible human being that is in our lives. We laugh at the cute things she says and does. We feel a love for someone that is even more profound, deep and selfless than we have for each other. We learn about God's love by watching her through our own eyes.

I'm thinking about the love on my life, CJ. This past week I saw a side of him I haven't seen in years. His depression seemed to have lifted (thanks in no small part to an old friend) for a while to allow me to see the man I fell in love with 13 years ago. I saw his heart, sensitivity and kindness that I have missed for a very long time. Don't get me wrong, please. I love him even when I don't always see "the man I fell in love with". Even with his depression firmly in place (which for most that have chronic depression-it usually is) he is a man worthy of respect, love and admiration. I love him more today that I did 13, 10, 5 or even 2 years ago. The depression presents challenges but none that make me question that he is the man I want to wake up next to until the day I just don't wake up. He is faithful, loyal, honest, hardworking, forgiving, talented, and sexy. If the depression is something I have to deal with to be with him, that's ok with me. I'd rather deal with that than some issues I see friends deal with with their husbands or wives. He never gives me a moments hesitation that he is committed to me and our little girl. He never deliberately hurts those he loves and he is quick to say he's sorry for undeliberate hurts. I love him so much.

I'm thinking about our life now. The good and the bad. Our move from Olathe has had many ups and downs. We wouldn't trade our life in Olathe for anything for Dani's sake. She is close to all of her grandparents. She sees them regularly and receives so much love from them. I never had that. I was not close to my grandparents at all and I smile when I see my parents and in-laws love on Dani each time they see her. Moving was the best thing we could have done for Dani. For CJ and me however, it's been difficult. We left many friends, a vibrant and healthy church and a totally different lifestyle. We have yet to feel at home here in many ways.

I'm thinking about the future. Dani starts preschool in the fall-she's growing up so fast. Our views differ greatly from the church we attend and the gap just seems to be widening-will we still be there in 2 years? We still miss our closest friends-will we ever find friends as good as we had in Olathe? Dani's such a spitfire-what will she be like in 2, 10, 15 years? We've decided to avoid the heartache of more years of infertility-will we regret only having one child?

So many feelings running through my heart tonight.

Vacation

2011-06-21T11:48:00.003-05:00

WE ARE IN TENNESSEE!

We are visiting our friends Daniel and Laura Meadow outside Nashville, TN. Yesterday CJ, Dani and I visited the Nashville Zoo.

We got a great show at the Elephant area.

You can't see it really well but there was a huge elephant right behind us!

Me and Dani at the giraffes

Riding the "train"

The Carousel was her reward for being good that day

It was flippin' HOT! It was about 100 degrees and humid but we still had fun :) I'll hopefully blog more but right now I just wanted to add some pics.

11 Year Anniversary

2011-06-17T11:14:00.000-05:00

I was 19. CJ had just turned 23 four days before. We were best friends turned friends in love and had spent the last 18 months planning our perfect wedding.  We invited all our friends and family and had 300 guests. I spent the morning getting ready at the church, along with my mom and bridesmaids. I was relaxed and confident that the day was going to perfect. It was.

At 11am, CJ and I saw each other for the first time in the sanctuary as I walked down the isle alone to where he was standing on stage. I know people were peeking through the windows in the back but it was a private moment between my soon-to-be husband and his bride.  Pictures (millions of them) would start in 15 minutes but we were in our own little world. I don't remember what we talked about but I remember how ridiculously happy I was the whole time.  Our photographer discreetly took some pictures before she gave us our privacy and both of us are beaming at each other. My favorite wedding picture is from this time.

Fast forward through pictures and lunch and it's 2pm--time for the ceremony. We had tons of music; 5 songs plus the processional and recessional music. The ceremony was just over an hour but I thought it passed in minutes. 5 songs leave a lot of time to just stand there but those times were my favorite parts of the ceremony. Of course, I loved to say our vows and hear the words passed down from generation to generation but during the songs we just talked. People told us later how they thought we'd never shut up! I didn't care! We were having a ball! On our video I love seeing us laugh and joke with each other.  I looked like I slept with a hanger in my mouth my smile was so big, lol. I DO remember some of what we said, but not most of it. But again, I remember how ridiculously happy I was through the whole ceremony. I cried (everybody cried) during my "Daddy" song but never again the ceremony. (CJ cried more than I did :)) I was too stinkin' happy!

On June 17, 2000 I married my best friend. I love him more today, 11 years later. We've weathered many ups and downs but we've come out on the other side stronger and more committed. Love you C. With all my heart.

A needed break

2011-06-14T16:28:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a while. A long while. But a much needed break. If you read back a couple entries, you know I had a lot going on in my life. Lots of drama, and I don't do drama well. My "blog mind" kinda shut down. Every time I'd think about blogging I'd clam up so I figured I needed to stop for awhile.
Lately, I've been wanting to write again, so here I am.

Life is hectic but full right now. This week is full of special days. Saturday was Dani's birthday party, Monday was CJ's birthday, Wednesday is Dani's actual birthday, Friday is our 11th wedding anniversary AND we leave for vacation in TN. Busy, busy week (we will also celebrate fathers day on the next Sunday). I'm a little frantic but loving it. Our good friends Ben and Josie have made it a little easier for me by keeping Dani yesterday night and all day today. I'm actually going to leave as soon as I'm done here to go get her. CJ and I were able to go out last night to celebrate his 34th birthday and today I worked on laundry and packing for vacation. So thanks Ben and Josie!!!

Vacation is almost here and we are READY!!! We are going to visit some good friends (that we miss dreadfully) that live outside Nashville. Daniel and Laura Meadow were our closest friends when we lived in KC. Then they moved :( We miss them a lot, did I say that already? We unfortunately are not as close now as we were then but we know they are there when we need them or vice versa. They are some of the few people we call when we have a huge problem and luckily we've been able to return the favor a few times. Love, love, love them! Can't wait to see them again!

My other good friend, Ashley Vance has moved to Florida. Stinkin' Florida! Soooooo far away and I miss her dearly. I saw her a lot when they lived in MN (she visited a lot) and then she actually lived here in Burlington for 2 months before she moved to FL. I got spoiled let me tell ya. I miss her laugh, funny faces and sarcastic, irreverent sense of humor. I love that girl and hate that I can't jump on a plane this very instant to give her a hug. I know we will stay close ( I call her all the time :)) but it's just not the same.

Dani is doing well. She is finally POTTY TRAINED!!!!!! I don't know if I blogged previously about the fact that she finally decided it was time or not. But my little girl finally figured that she wasn't going to fight that battle anymore and she gave in! Yeah! I don't miss diapers in the least! She's going to turn 4 tomorrow and I can't believe it. AND she's going to start preschool in the fall. This should not be. I love her more each day and can't believe my baby is going to be going to school. She's so cute but sassy. Her attitude is our battle now. Not really arrogant or whatever, but just defiant when she doesn't want to do something. Telling me that she's not going to do something I asked her to do, things like that. But I guess that's normal. :)

I have a lot more in my head but they will all take their own blog posts so I'm going to close for now. Later!

Week 2

2010-11-05T11:47:00.000-05:00

Another update. It's going ok, I only exercised once this week but I'm watching what I'm eating and I lost 5 lbs! I did exercise today so hopefully this week is off to a better start. God bless Dani. She thinks exercising is fun so she asked me to exercise today after we'd been up for about 2 1/2 hours. So I did. That was a great motivation. Hopefully she'll keep it up. Who needs a support group when you've got Dani :)

I went to the Doctor yesterday as a follow up to my blood pressure, it was down again 133/94 but it's still too high, boo. So off to my family practitioner to see if I need to be on blood pressure meds. I've decided to stay on the birth control and just suck it up and take meds until I no longer need to do so. Hopefully, that will be soon. Thanks for the encouragement I've received from some of you. I really do appreciate it.

Mice

2010-11-05T11:38:00.000-05:00

Have I ever told you all that I have a slight phobia of mice? Ok, it's not slight! I am terrified of mice! This is the one thing I absolutely hate about living in the country. We get mice all the time, especially in the fall after they are run out of the fields. Did I mention we are surrounded by fields? Yuck! I have had some especially messed up run ins with mice this year, I won't bore you (or amuse you, some of them are doozies) with all of them but after today's I just had to write it.

We've been trying to catch a certain mouse for about a week now, no can do. But I've noticed less "evidence" lately so I checked my mouse bait and noticed one had definitely been gotten into. So I figured it had gone off and died somewhere. (yes!) Adios and good riddance

I was getting Dani dressed when I notice mice droppings in Dani's bottom drawer. Eeew. So I went to see if it was just the one on top or if it was more. I picked up a handful of tights and saw a mouse! OH MY GOSH!!!!! I almost touched it!!!! It was dead but looked little. The one I'd seen I was sure was bigger than that.

This is where I really tried to overcome my fears. I decided I couldn't leave it in the drawer and since it was dead I would grab something long ( was NOT going to touch it even with gloves on) and get it into a plastic sack to throw outside till CJ could dispose of it. (thank goodness he's not scared of mice, he does all mice getting) So I grabbed a wooden spoon I never use and started moving the tights around when I see another small mouse in a different spot! OH MY GOSH!!!! I realized that I think it's a nest and the mother took the bait back as food. That was WAY too much for me to handle and I just couldn't have it in my house anymore and there was no way in heck I was going to try to be brave anymore! That was a lost cause to begin with, I don't know what I was thinking. So her drawer is sitting outside on our porch until CJ gets home at 7pm tonight. First thing he's gonna do tonight is get those things out of range of the house and shake out all the clothes, sanitize the drawer and then wash all the clothes those things touched! Living in the country is just making this phobia worse. Mice are proving to me they are as bad as I have feared since I was 6 years old!

Week 1

2010-10-28T15:47:00.000-05:00

I am making myself follow up! This week has been ok, not great but kinda what I expected. I have exercised twice, and been focusing on cutting out junk food. I haven't lost weight but today when I went to the doctor for my blood pressure check it was 142/91. Still too high but lower than last week.

Dani got sick Thursday night and is still sick so that has been a hindrance to my exercising. That, and the fact that I started a new job that I work from home for, so my free time has been monopolized by that. I really have no set schedule at home so time management is really my downfall. I'm working on that. I hope this doesn't all sound like excuses, it's just what I've noticed to be my stumbling blocks to exercising.

So there ya go, week one down.

wake up call

2010-10-21T20:18:00.000-05:00

I've been telling myself for about 6 months that I want to feel better, look better and be better in my 30's. I have been overweight and self conscious since I was a young teen. I had an undiagnosed case of insulin resistance for 10 years which made me hungry ALL THE TIME. So for ten years I built habits that I've yet to break. I've been on diets for most of my life till Dani was born. After Dani was born, it was as if I just couldn't worry about it anymore so I stop "dieting". I actually have been able to lose weight over the last 3 years but it has been slow and very undeliberate. However, I have been realizing things are only going to get worse the older I get. I'm going to develop diabetes, have high blood pressure and possibly die of a heart attack. These are facts I just haven't wanted to face. Today I got a huge wake up call.

That being said, let me explain a little history. I have PCOS and have been on birth control pills since I was a teen to control my erratic periods. Once we decided to have Dani, I've pretty much been off birth control pills. Even after Dani was born, we never went back on the pill. Months ago, I went to the Doctor to discuss my birth control options since we officially decided to not try for a 2nd child. I was told progesterone only birth control was my best option because the pill and patch have estrogen which can raise your blood pressure (and condoms just weren't an option anymore). My current blood pressure was fine but he didn't want to mess that up. So I went with Implanon, which is like Mirena but it goes in your arm for 3 years. It was a horrific mess. Within 2 weeks I was ready to rip it out myself! I was an exhausted, hormonal mess (worse than when I was pregnant) with NO sex drive. It was awful to say the least. So I had it taken out. I really had no viable options left except the pill. I went on Ortho-tricyclen Low a month and a half ago. I went in today for a follow up feeling really good about it. I feel pretty good, I've lost 3 pounds and haven't had any side effects. My blood pressure was 147/97!!!!! That is really really bad! So, I am going to be monitored for the next 2 weeks and then if it doesn't go down, I either have to go off it or I have to go on blood pressure medication. I am 29! I kinda freaked out. I haven't really let anybody know how much that truly scared me.

But, I have decided to break the habits that have ruled me for over 15 years. I am going to exercise, eat right and lose weight. I AM going to feel better in my 30's!

Today, I started exercising. This is the part that I've never been able to stick with so I'm most nervous about. Any weight I've lost since Dani was born has been just from eating less and/or healthier. But I know exercise is essential to lowering my blood pressure so I HAVE to stick it out. I know I also need to stick to a stricter diet.

I am setting goals to lose 15 pounds by Christmas and 20 by my 30th birthday which is Jan 13. Of course that is no where close to my ideal weight but I know I need to set small goals. I would love to be below my "wedding" weight by the time I'm 31 and that's very doable. I would just need to lose 3 lbs a month for the next year after I lose the 20 lbs set for my coming birthday. (Actually, I would be almost 10lbs lighter than I was at my wedding) If I can do that again the next year, I would be the weight I was when I was flippin' 12!!! That's crazy. And doable. 36 lbs in a year seems little considering how many times I've lost 20lbs and then gained them back. However, I know it's going to be tough. But I am sick of being fat! I have been thinking so much more lately, about my school experience, with all this talk about bullying on the news. I was bullied every day of school from about 3rd grade until I graduated. It was awful and I still live with the consequences. I still feel that I'm ugly, fat, slow and not even worth basic common courtesy some days. However, I am improving in my self-image and I know I deserve better than to be ruled by such crappy habits that formed because an incompetent Doctor dismissed crucial tests results when I was 15. I am sick of feeling that I am invisible because I'm always the fat girl in almost every group I go out with. I am sick of feeling no one could possibly find me attractive. I'm just sick of it. But most of all, I refuse to let this fat make me more sick. I don't want to be stuck on diabetes and high blood pressure medication from the time I'm in my 20s till my body gives out when my grandchildren are still young.

I am going to write about this in the future and I hope that helps keep me accountable. (By the way, as I write this, Dani is mimicking me exercising this afternoon, too cute. She's doing lunges lol)

Heavenly rewards

2010-09-27T11:24:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I remember many times hearing people talk about rewards in heaven. Most of the time, the rewards were "material". For instance, some would have huge mansions and others shacks. It never sat well with me but I was young and didn't really think about it much and when I did think about it, I just figured my pastors knew more than me.

Recently I heard this again. This time I've studied scriptures for myself and I no longer blindly accept what others tell me. Instantly I thought about how almost every time Jesus talks about rewards, it's not material. For instance, the Beatitudes. Blessed are all these people for...

-theirs is the kingdom of heaven
-they will be comforted
-they will be filled (with righteousness)
-they will be shown mercy
-they will see God
-they will be called sons of God

These are not material rewards. I would think "rewards" would be the lives you've touched, times God has used you (that will finally be made clear) and the peace you will feel when you see how God used those trials to bring good.

It seems this is just an extension of the "prosperity" gospel. When the Bible talks about blessings we immediately think money and that if we have a lack of money, God isn't blessing us. So if we are storing up rewards in heaven they must be material possessions right? I don't think so. What do you think?

feeling alone

2010-09-24T20:58:00.002-05:00

Wow, so much has happened recently, I'm not even sure what exactly I'm going to write in this entry. I've had more drama in my life over the past 2 weeks than I've had in the past 8 years. I'm really hurting right now but I'm praying that my pain won't be wasted. However, I'm not to the point yet that I'm past the hurt and able to see good in it. It's still too fresh.

2 weeks ago I had a horrible day with one of my best friends. Without going into details, I'll just say this. Most of the day we were frustrated with other people. After awhile, the frustration and anger bubbled over on each other. We had our first fight and it was a doozie. Not so much in intensity but it lasted a long time cuz we had a long drive home before it was over (2 hours) and I could drop her off. Having said that, we were able to talk on the way home and even though we were still tense with the stress of the day, I thought things were going to be ok. She hasn't talked to me since. I've sent emails and texts with no response. This was a close friend. So close we called each other sisters. I guess I misread all that, because in my book, you don't just shut out a sister over one stupid fight. Yet even as I'm mad, I miss her.

Then last week, I posted something on facebook about how I saw an example of why I hate war. A former soldier shared with friends for the first time, his struggles. He had been living with guilt for many many years because he had to shoot a man in self defense. He has seen that man's face everyday for close to 40 years and has felt that God could never forgive him for what he did. That is horrible. I DO NOT like war and don't support it. I have strong feelings about this (and some very valid reasons) BUT in my FB post all I said was I saw an example of why I don't support war. The men and women that go, have to live with the consequences of it. Even those that believe in why they're going (and this man did). I hate to see a soul so broken. It breaks my heart. I was simply hurting for him when I posted the status. Well, all hell broke loose and I became the whipping boy for anyone who dislikes those that "don't support the troops." (such an easy accusation to sling at someone) The worse part was it was FAMILY that were "talking" publicly about me on each others walls and status's. I even had one harrass me till I had to block him after I unfriended him due to his (current and past) comments.

These are people who are supposed to love me despite what they might view as flaws. These were cousins and aunts. Women who saw me grow up. They came to my dedication, graduation and wedding. Then my baby showers for Dani and the hospital when she was born. These are people who are supposed to be there for you when the going get rough. They aren't supposed to publicly flog you for something you didn't even say (or mean). They aren't supposed to call you stupid, ignorant, mean, closed minded, and heartless. Those words cut deeply and 6 days later I still cry over it. Yet, only one has even bothered to respond to a letter my brother sent out (privately) asking them to try to understand what I was actually saying. No one seems to care that they hurt me. I have apologized to them for what they thought I said (and what they obviously thought I meant by it) but only one has responded and it was a cousin not one of my aunts.

Why does that bother me so much???? I've been asking myself this question. I guess because my cousins didn't babysit me, they didn't grow up with my wonderful mother who gave birth to me, they didn't watch me grow up like my aunts did, they didn't change my diapers, they didn't hug and kiss me when I was still a toddler, and they didn't calm my fears or wipe my tears as a child. I could go on and on I'm sure. I look at my cousins and they aren't any more mature than I am nor would I expect them to be. But I look at my mom and I see wisdom that only comes with being a "grownup" for longer than me. I know I can still be immature, anyone my age still is. But I guess I expected my aunts to be the voice of reason not add fuel to the fire. I feel they should have known that their words would have consequences. Did they care they were hurting their niece's feelings? You don't live that long and not learn that what you say matters to those you say it about. Did they stop to think that they might be severing ties with someone they've watch grow up for 30 years (and my immediate family)? Did they stop to think at all? It didn't appear to be so from what I could see/read. All the posts sounded the same to me. There was no voice of wisdom coming from anywhere. No rational thoughts that might slow down the mob mentality that was rising to a fever pitch. No one seemed to care that I had feelings too.

I'm hurting. I feel alone, cut off, discarded. I fear the relationships will never be the same.

I am hurting and very few people seem to care.

Purpose of Church

2010-09-01T22:54:00.003-05:00

A while ago someone posted the question "Why do you go to church" on their status on Facebook. I, like many others, gave my version of an answer. Mine said in essence "I go because we can do more good for others as a group than as individuals" I truly believe this. (I do think it's good to have Christian friends/ group that will challenge you and to discuss the Bible/ideas with. However you can have these relationship outside of a church building.)

So what do you do when opportunities to help those outside the church aren't available to you? What do you do when most of the ministries at the church are inward focused? And is it worth leaving behind relationships that mean a lot to you in order to go somewhere you feel will allow you serve God as part of a body of Christ?

To be honest I've really been struggling with these questions. I love a lot of people in our church. We have some close relationships with those that attend there. However, except for Angel Food Ministries, the Domestic Violence Shelter collections and Food Pantry drives (the first two we started) all the ministries I can think of are about people already in the church. And there doesn't seem to be any initiative to serve those outside the church. We are told to invite others in but not to go out and serve and love those that won't enter our doors. For instance, our teens have lots of fund raisers in order to do lots of things that are all about their entertainment. Personally, I think they would learn a lot more about Jesus by serving the homeless/poor/hungry than going to yet another retreat/camp/whatever. They go rock climbing but never sweep the rocky doorstep of an elderly person. Same with our children's program. I want Dani to grow up learning the body of Christ is there to serve and love others. It's not about us.

And I don't think we need to go to church to "be fed". We are all responsible for our own personal growth. Yes we can learn from others but it is ultimately our own personal walk. I do my own study at home from the Bible, books that challenge me and from several close friendships that also challenge me and allow me to question and grow. This is not a reason to stay in my thoughts.

However, there are people we love here. CJ is mentoring a teenager and that relationship is blossoming into something great. I have a relationship also that kind of has that mentoring quality and both of these relationships would probably suffer if we left. There's also some relationships I could stand to lose. They are unhealthy and would be good to get away from. (I will not explain this, just trust me)

We are not jumping into leaving and we aren't even looking at other churches yet. I think our relationships are holding us right now but it's a struggle. Does anyone else struggle with this? Is our situation so unique?

Tan vs Khaki

2010-08-22T16:30:00.002-05:00

I have an issue I want to vent about!

Seriously??? Do you think we are made of money? You know how much money we make! What am I talking about? I'm talking about the new dress code they are implementing at CJ's and my work. They are switching all new shirts and have said they only allow black or TAN pants not khaki, only tan. What the heck is the difference??? CJ was told the other day his pants were khaki not tan in color. When he told me this I just wanted to throw something at his boss. Seriously?? You know what CJ makes, in fact you set his salary. There is no way we can afford for him to buy all new shirts AND pants just to satisfy your whim of a new "sharper" dress code. That's all this is to him! He says he wants to get back to a sharper look. Well I'm sorry that a khaki pant, dress shoes, shirt and tie are not sharp enough for you! CJ is going to be given 2 new shirts and that's it. The rest we have to purchase out of our own pocket and they are not cheap! We get nada to help with the cost of replacing pants. I'm sorry but we do not have an extra $200 to go drop on new clothes all at once! The new dress code starts next week. I SOOOOO WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I, as a part-timer, get one shirt and luckily that is going to work as I only work one day a week. I do not care if I have to replace my pants. I ain't gonna! I stand behind a counter and no one cares about my damn pants!

PLUS we now can't wear our own sweatshirts or coats around the store even when we are working outside. We have to purchase fleece jackets. Not only fleece jackets, BLACK fleece. CJ purchased several jackets last year when they said he could no longer wear his jacket when in the cooler (he worked as a dairy manager so he was in a big fridge much of the time). So now 2 out of the 3 we purchased (NOT cheap) no longer will work. The one black one we did purchased, was stolen out of his cooler so we have to buy another one! I AM SOOOO FRUSTRATED!!!!

So thank you, you freakin' managers for allowing me to work for you for a whole month just so I can afford to pay for new clothes so that I will look "sharp" when you look at me from your nice new car we can not afford to buy with what you pay us.

The Great Iowa State Fair

2010-08-18T23:16:00.004-05:00

CJ and I decided to take a little trip to the fair this year. As we were talking about the possibility of going last week, we got to talking about when the last time was we went. We figured out it was 10 flippin' year ago!! Seriously??? I used to work there every year as a teen and we went pretty often before that as a kid. We couldn't believe it had been that long. So we just HAD to come.

We went today and had a blast. What a great family day it was. We were there by 9:30am and stayed till 4pm. Dani did great! She loved the horses (wanted to ride one), was a bit freaked out but the deep-voiced sheep that baa'ed as he was getting sheared just a few feet away from us and thought the pigs were lazy because all they were doing was sleeping. She liked the milk from the Dairy Barn and LOVED the Big Slide! We were going to try to get away without going to the Midway but of course that didn't work. We spent 2 hours in there and would have been longer if we didn't need lunch so bad. It was 1:30 before we finally dragged her away from the rides to eat. Then we went to the butterfly house and the "farm" for little kids. It was soooo neat. They walk kids through the whole process in an interactive way of house food goes from seed to fuel to crops to the grocery store. She rode a horse (the pony rides), got to see a 2 hr old calf, piglets and hatching chicks, and got to meet Clifford the Big Red Dog. She was in heaven.

Of course, CJ and enjoyed ourselves too. We were thrilled that several buildings that we used to swelter in were now air conditioned and we still love the gyros in the triangle. It's so fun to see the fair through the eyes of your child. Everything was new to her and so interesting. She was so good. We only had 2 meltdowns and they really weren't that bad. And for Dani 2 is very minor. And they pretty much made sense in the context she was in. First she wanted to ride rides before we were ready. And second, she didn't want to put her "fruit" from the Farm in baskets because she knew she wouldn't get them back and she loves her plastic food at home. Plus the basket thing was just past nap time so she was bound to melt down sooner or later.

Bonus, we got to spend some time with some family tonight that I haven't seen in a year. Thanks Glen and Julie for putting us up! CJ said today walking down Grand Ave (in the fairgrounds) "We need to make this an annual trip". I couldn't agree more.

Passion Party

2010-08-06T14:59:00.002-05:00

I just had a great girls night out last night! Laura and I went to a Passion Party at Jilli's house (my SIL). It was a lot of fun!

It was so funny to watch some of the girls faces when the consultant would bring out these huge vibrators with multiple speeds and stuff. My MIL was there and she was one of the funniest. Although she did great and seemed to be pretty much at ease, I think she was keenly aware her baby girl was there, and me, her baby boy's wife. But it was still a lot of fun. It was made even better by the fact I took Laura with me. I had to convince her that a night out was what she needed when she tried to back out due to a stressful situation she's in right now, but once she agreed to go, she had a ball. Lots of girly talk and laughs! Just what the doctor ordered. And then of course both our husbands were glad to see us and our purchases walk in the door! he he, sorry had to put that in.

I'm going to host a party Sept 16th. If you want to come or order, let me know. By the way, the party was very tasteful so if you're a little more prudish than some, you'd still fit right in. :)

our first VBS

2010-08-06T14:55:00.002-05:00

Well, Dani is officially old enough to go to "school". Vacation Bible School. It's been great but just a teensy bit bittersweet. She's actually old enough to go to VBS??? When did this happen? She's done well, I've heard. Last night she got put in time out twice but she was a bear yesterday (according to CJ who was also a bear --they were home alone together all day hmmmmm) so that doesn't really surprise me. I am actually looking forward to the VBS program for the first time since I was IN one. Break out the video camera!

what do we do with these?

2010-07-09T17:09:00.006-05:00

Recently I heard someone liken those (like me) that believe America's founding fathers were not what we would define "Christian", to those that deny the Holocaust. Needless to say I was extremely offended and saddened by this. I realize that many of our Founding Fathers said "religious" things in public forums that would support the "Christian" claim. However, what do we do with these quotes?

UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION
The First Amendment
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion..."

Article VI, Section 3
"...no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."

JOHN ADAMS
"Can a free government possibly exist with the Roman Catholic religion?"
-letter to Thomas Jefferson

"As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation. But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the most bloody religion that ever existed?"
-letter to F.A. Van der Kamp, Dec. 27, 1816

"I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved-- the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!"
-letter to Thomas Jefferson

"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion."
-Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli (June 7, 1797). Article 11

"Twenty times in the course of my late reading, have I been upon the point of breaking out, 'this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.'"
-a letter to Charles Cushing (October 19, 1756)

JAMES MADISON
"What influence, in fact, have ecclesiastical establishments had on society? In some instances they have been seen to erect a spiritual tyranny on the ruins of the civil authority; on many instances they have been seen upholding the thrones of political tyranny; in no instance have they been the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wish to subvert the public liberty may have found an established clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just government, instituted to secure and perpetuate it, needs them not."
-"A Memorial and Remonstrance", 1785

"Experience witnesseth that ecclesiastical establishments, instead of maintaining the purity and efficacy of religion, have had a contrary operation. During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution."
-"A Memorial and Remonstrance", 1785

"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise."
-letter to Wm. Bradford, April 1, 1774

"The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries."
-1803 letter objecting use of gov. land for churches

THOMAS JEFFERSON
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot ... they have perverted the purest religion ever preached to man into mystery and jargon, unintelligible to all mankind, and therefore the safer engine for their purpose."
- to Horatio Spafford, March 17, 1814

"Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."
- letter to Peter Carr, Aug. 10, 1787

"It is too late in the day for men of sincerity to pretend they believe in the Platonic mysticisms that three are one, and one is three; and yet that the one is not three, and the three are not one. But this constitutes the craft, the power and the profit of the priests."
- to John Adams, 1803

"History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance, of which their political as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purpose."
- to Baron von Humboldt, 1813

"Gouverneur Morris had often told me that General Washington believed no more of that system (Christianity) than did he himself."
-in his private journal, Feb. 1800

It is not to be understood that I am with him (Jesus Christ) in all his doctrines. I am a Materialist; he takes the side of Spiritualism, he preaches the efficacy of repentance toward forgiveness of sin; I require a counterpoise of good works to redeem it."
- to Carey, 1816

"The priests of the superstition, a bloodthirsty race, are as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore."
- to Story, Aug. 4, 1820

"The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of Calvin.
1. That there are three Gods.
2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, is nothing.
3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit the faith.
4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save."
- to Benjamin Waterhouse, Jun. 26, 1822

"Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced an inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth."
-"Notes on Virginia"

The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words. And the day will come, when the mystical generation [birth] of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation [birth] of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."
- to John Adams, Apr. 11, 1823

"No man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place, or ministry whatsoever."
-Virginia Act for Religious Freedom

"... I am not afraid of priests. They have tried upon me all their various batteries of pious whining, hypocritical canting, lying and slandering. I have contemplated their order from the Magi of the East to the Saints of the West and I have found no difference of character, but of more or less caution, in proportion to their information or ignorance on whom their interested duperies were to be played off. Their sway in New England is indeed formidable. No mind beyond mediocrity dares there to develop itself."
- letter to Horatio Spofford, 1816

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the Common Law."
-letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, 1814

"Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between church and State."
-letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT
"The Complete Jefferson" by Saul K. Padover, pp 518-519

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
From Franklin's autobiography, p. 66:
"...Some books against Deism fell into my hands....It happened that they wrought an effect on me quite contrary to what was intended by them; for the arguments of the Deists, which were quote to be refuted, appeared to me much stronger than the refutations, in short, I soon became a thorough Deist."

From Franklin's autobiography, p. 66:
"My parents had given me betimes religious impressions, and I received from my infancy a pious education in the principles of Calvinism. But scarcely was I arrived at fifteen years of age, when, after having doubted in turn of different tenets, according as I found them combated in the different books that I read, I began to doubt of Revelation itself"

THOMAS PAINE
From The Age of Reason, pp. 89:
"I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of....Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and of my own part, I disbelieve them all."

From The Age of Reason:
"All natural institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian, or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit."

From The Age of Reason:
"What is it the Bible teaches us? -- rapine, cruelty, and murder."

There are many more quotes and information on these and other Founding Fathers. How can we, as Christians, bury our heads in the sand and "forget" these quotes?

One last thing, in the same conversation that this person likened me and others with my same beliefs with those that deny the Holocaust, they said "Actions speak louder than words" This is so true. Do a little research on the lives of these people and most of them certainly did not live "Christian" lives. Besides the fact that the very constitution they drafted denied basic rights to women and black people. They also oversaw the slaughter of millions of Indians and started the slave trade to pad their own pockets. They saw some people (anyone other than the white man) as less than human and not worth even basic rights under in this new country. Does that sound Christ-like or "Christian" to you?

Immigration's real "criminals"

2010-07-02T16:08:00.004-05:00

I've been reading a few blogs and some news stories about immigration lately. I had some thoughts come into my mind while I was cleaning today and had to put it down. First of all, I believe as Christians, we have a responsibility to love and serve anyone we come in contact with, especially the poor and downtrodden. Most illegal immigrants would fall into this category. However, I am not going to tackle the "Christian" views in this post, I'm going to address it from a "political" viewpoint.

First of all, open your mind with me for just a second and imagine you are in the immigrants shoes... You live in a country where, despite all your best efforts, you have been unable to make a living for your family. Your children are always hungry and you can't stand seeing them get sick from malnutrition that never gets resolved. A man comes and promises a job in the US that will make all your dreams come true. So you make a gut-wrenching decision to leave them behind, not knowing when you will see them again, if ever, for the decision to sneak across the border is fraught with danger. So you kiss them goodbye and promise to send home all the money you can, as soon as you can.

Once you get into America, your "contact" brings you to an "employer" who gives you a "job". You work all day, into the night and barely have enough left after paying for your own scanty meals, to send anything home. But you keep at it because at least this work is better than no work back home.

You soon realize no one could legally make someone work in these conditions. No American citizen could be forced to work like this. A few months in, you'd love to speak out against this employer that abuses you for little pay, while his bank account gets more and more bloated to satisfy his appetite for pleasures your family has no hope of ever seeing. Resentment builds but you have no way to bring justice to this person. If you show the slightest hint of rebellion, he'll have you deported and it's back to your children starving. So you keep at it.

Imagine all this, and then imagine the country you're in calls you a criminal. They ignore the fact you had no way to get in legally (95% of people that come in illegally would never get approved in our current system), and your children were starving. They ignore the fact that you took no job they would have worked themselves. They ignore the "Employer" that made it possible to get the job in the first place and then took advantage of your illegal status to exploit and control you in order to pad his own pockets.

Who is the REAL criminal in this scenario? Why are the men/women that "employ" these illegal immigrants never talked about in all the immigration policies debates? If they are, I've not heard it. This seems like such a simple solution in my eyes. Shut down the slave labor that promises hope of work not available to them in Mexico and for what would they continue to sneak in? I know, I know, it's not "simple" but neither is fencing and patrolling the whole border! I'm thinking focusing on the employers would still be easier than that!

Shut down the greed and we'd shut down the illegal border crossings. And then once that happens, we Christians better be ALL OVER the fact we need to be helping those that still have no work in Mexico. We can't forget the poor just because we no longer deal with them as illegal immigrants.

All in one week

2010-06-15T14:57:00.004-05:00

Well, CJ and I are back from our vacation I posted about! It was really fun and relaxing. We had two whole days in the Dells, to just relax, sightsee and shop. We actually took several times to just go back to the room and relax and veg. That was really nice too. We had a whirlpool in our room that was large enough for us to sit side by side and we brought movies cuz our room had a DVD player (why don't more rooms provide those?) So relaxing! How often as parents of young kids do we just sit back and veg??? My favorite part? Probably the Dells boat tour. We took a 2 hour tour of the Upper Dells and it was really pretty. Plus, we got the best seats in the house, front row of the upper deck of the boat. We ended up getting sprayed a few times but it was worth it. We were able to just sit back and enjoy the ride. (we got some sun too!)

Then after the Dells (I was sad to leave) we went to stay with Josh and Ashley Vance in Minneapolis, MN. We did a lot more shopping and just hanging out. They have two kids, a 10 week old and a 2 year old. Their two year old was out of town for a reunion with the grandparents so it was easy breezy. Don't you sometimes miss those months of just being able to put the kid in a car seat and they go wherever? I forgot how easy a newborn can be compared to a toddler. (at least during the day) We absolutely love Josh and Ashley so it was great to spend so much time with them!

Although it was great to get away, by Saturday night I was so sick to see Dani it was painful. How do people go without seeing their kid for longer than that? I have no idea! I didn't talk to her the whole time cuz I didn't want to upset her, although, I called to check on her at least once a day. But on Sunday about 45 minutes from home I talked to her. I think those 45 minutes were the longest of the whole drive home. She did absolutely wonderfully the whole time! She did ask about us just a few times but was always fine when she was told that we were still on vacation and she could go home when we got home. That seemed to satisfy her totally. I kinda wonder if she missed "her house" more than she missed us! She such a homebody! Oh well, at least SHE doesn't mind if it's always messy lol.

So this week, Sunday was CJ's 33rd birthday and we got home from vacation. Today (Tuesday) is Dani's birthday, Wednesday we're going to the pool to celebrate as a family cuz today is too rainy. Thursday is our 10th anniversary. Saturday we're going to cousin Amos' house because they can't come to the party and then Sunday is her birthday party. We're inviting just family this year for obvious reasons. We've been so crazed! Plus throw in we had a huge garage sale the weekend before we left and we still need to clean up from it and crazed doesn't even describe it!

As crazy last weekend was and as crazy as this week is it's all worth it. I have a great life and a lot of celebrate! Thank you God for your blessings.

our family is complete

2010-05-07T20:56:00.005-05:00

Well, the decision has been made. We are going to be a one child family. And I am completely fine and happy with the decision. Dani is amazing but we are happy with just her.

There are many, many, many reasons that went into making this decision. Just a few...

1)I had a horrible labor and c-section, one that I NEVER tell to new mothers because it's cruel and unusual punishment to do so. (well, maybe not but you get the drift) I went through bad postpartum depression and honestly, I don't want to live through any of those ever again.

2)We had a really hard time conceiving Dani. We tried for 5 years and they were years of heartache. We really don't want to go there again. I have a friend going through it now and it just breaks my heart all over again.

3)All my reasons in my "pro" list for having another baby are not because I actually want one. They are fears I have of Dani being an only child and the difficulties that may come to her because of it. Things like loneliness growing up and caring for aging parents alone. However, I've realized there are things we can do to help ease those concerns like making sure she has close relationships with friends and relatives, and taking financial responsibility for our own long term care.

4) Financially, we are just barely making it and we'd have to move to fit another child into our home.

5) I feel I'd be a better mom to Dani if I don't spread myself thinner than I am now. I want to change the world and therefore I try to volunteer my time. I feel either I'd have to stop volunteering and therefore not be the kind of example I want to be for my kids or I wouldn't spend the kind of time with my kids that they need.

6) We don't feel like anything is missing. We are happy and content with Dani.

When I first started contemplating whether we were done or not, I felt weird about my desire to have only one child. As if I was doing it "wrong" or something. I have quit trying to justify my decision and just accept the fact that it's our decision and as long as we both agree, it's just fine. There is no one right way to parent all children. All children are different, all parents are different. And with Dani's personality and my personality I feel being an only child will actually be better for her anyway.

I absolutely adore Dani. She's tied for the best thing that's ever happened to me (with CJ of course) She was absolutely worth the 5 years of heartache and the horrible labor and delivery. So now I'm going to raise her the best way I can.

And that is enough.

VACATION!!!!!!!!

2010-05-04T14:21:00.004-05:00

Yeah!!!! CJ and I have made plans for our first real vacation in 10 years! The last one being our honeymoon. It's going to be our 10 year anniversary this June and we really wanted to do something. It's been a really tough year money-wise, Murphy has been our constant companion but we've been able to scrape up enough to make this vacation happen. We're going to Wisconsin Dells for 3 days/2 nights and then to Minneapolis, MN to visit our friends Josh and Ashley Vance for 3 days/3 nights. (Can't wait to meet their new baby boy, Elake)

I found a motel on TripAdvisor.com. It's rated #1 in value and customer satisfaction in the Wisconsin Dells area. We got a whirlpool room, with a private balcony over the pool and a king sized bed for $85 a night! Yeah! They also have rooms with multiple rooms and kitchens for about the same price. They have several really nice, new playgrounds and grills that we can use. Plus a heated outdoor pool, an indoor pool and 2 hot tubs. We've decided if we like this place then we'll bring Dani here for our next vacation.

I read all the reviews for this place! At least back till 2007 or so and I only saw 3 bad reviews. All of them had a reply from the owner (it's family owned, has been since it opened) and he basically told them they should have called to let them know of their problems (they keep records of all calls and complaints, there was none for these people) and he would have either fixed it or given the a FULL REFUND! He even offered to give them a refund now. Seriously? I was shocked. There were probably about 5 reviews that gave descriptions of problems they'd had and they were ALL satisfied with how it was fixed, quickly! One person described how their fridge didn't close properly and the manager was there within 5 minutes and when he couldn't repair it, he had a new one brought to them in 15 minutes. That's awesome. All the rooms have been remodeled over the last 3 years and the beds, I've heard, are to die for. They put some big money into all new Sealy beds. Can't wait to sleep on them!

It's definately a motel, not a huge resort like so many of the hotels there in the Dells, but we don't need that. I think every single review said the place was unbelievably clean even before the rooms were remodeled and everything was old. Plus, the rooms are supposed to be really big, even the suites with multiple rooms. All I need is a quiet spot to relax with my hubby. It's on the edge of town so it's not surrounded by noise and traffic but it's just a couple blocks from the downtown area with all the restaurants and shops. It's sounds perfect!

Anyway, I'm just excited, can you tell? I have no idea what I'm going to do without Dani for 6 days but I know she's in good hands. Grandma Lynn and Mimi (my mom) are going to watch her for us. It'll be really good for CJ and I to have this time together. Plus it'll be great to see Josh and Ashley. We saw them in November but that's too long ago. I'm going through Ashley withdrawal. :)

Happy (almost) 10 years Baby!!!

Angel Food Ministry report

2010-04-26T09:11:00.004-05:00

This weekend marked the biggest weekend so far in our Angel Food Ministry. A family that we've been giving to since we started giving away boxes in November, came to our church for a baby shower we threw for them. It was so great. The whole family came, the couple of course, both grandmothers, and a sister in law. (the brother and grandfather were watching the kids)

For the past week, members of our congregation have been bringing gifts for the shower. We didn't make the shower open to all so we wouldn't overwhelm the family. But lots of people brought gifts even though they weren't coming to the shower. I was so excited by how many gifts the family got. They were overwhelmed by it all. They couldn't believe the church would give them so much stuff when they don't even attend. The family seemed so open to us.

One of the verses Angel Food tries to embody is Matthew 25:35 and 40. It says (Matthew 25:35) "For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited me in." When they challenged Jesus and asked when did they do this for their God, the answer is "To the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of mine, even the least of them, you did it to me (Matt 25:40)." I believe we are doing this through AF and I love it! I love it because I feel we are doing exactly what God wants us to. It feels good to be right in the center of his will and feel his blessings on what we're doing.

Are leaders baseball umps or football refs?

2010-03-29T08:06:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about this for the past several weeks. How do we show respect to our leaders? Especially those leaders in church. Our national leaders are challenged, criticized, and spoken out about all the time. We can say whatever we want about them without feeling guilty and I believe this is a good thing. However, I think some people take this to the extreme (baby killer anyone?) But I believe this is still a good thing, I wouldn't take this away because a few abuse it.

However, how are we to treat our church leaders? I believe there are many factors that come into this. First and foremost, if we disagree we have to prayerfully consider our reactions because often times if we spend time in prayer, we may come to agree. The reasoning behind this is, leaders' words often are often designed to stretch and challenge us. So we may not automatically agree when we first hear it. And then if we still disagree, these leaders are usually our friends, not some far away leader in DC we never meet. So then do we approach them? Do we questions and/or challenge them?

I've had an analogy that has helped me form this question. Look at the difference between Baseball Umpires and Football Referees. Baseball umps are pretty much untouchable. They don't review their calls. What they say goes and if you get mad, they have the ability to throw you out. Football refs on the other hand, voluntarily review their own plays, and if they don't the coaches have the right to challenge them without penalties.

So are Pastors, Priests, the Pope, SS teachers, Board members, Deacons, (etc, etc) baseball umps or football umps. And do these very leaders agree with your conclusion?

"outside" memories

2010-03-29T07:45:00.004-05:00

As the weather gets warmer and warmer, I've been thinking about some of my memories that I have of spending time outside. I consider myself very lucky. I grew up on a farm and had parents that allowed me to explore it by myself. (I'm not sure I could even give that much freedom to Dani) I remember going to the "back 40" of our land and exploring the timber. I would look for animal prints and would use my imagination to pretend I was exploring some other land. I never got bored and considering I explored the same land over and over that's saying something. I think it was because I played by myself so much that I had to develop my imagination. This is something I hope Dani has. I had a lot of fun using my imagination both inside and outside the house. Plus, it gave hours to Mom that she didn't have to entertain me. :)

So as the weather is getting warmer I'm hoping to take Dani outside and just let her walk around. Let her explore outside of our regular yard and hopefully develop a love of exploring like I have. Who knows maybe I'll start again, after all she's still to young to go alone...

Dani

2010-03-19T09:01:00.003-05:00

Yesterday Dani had a super cute day so I had to tell you about it. First I have to give you a bit of background. Dani has been potty training for months now. She's pretty sporadic and inconsistent but if we try to push her, it's completely counterproductive. So we've been letting her set her own pace and just be thankful for the diapers we aren't having to change. Unfortunately, not one of those diapers avoided have been poopy diapers. She has absolutely refused to poop on the potty.
Yesterday, I was cleaning the church and CJ calls and tells me Dani has something to tell me. In her cute little voice I hear "I pooped" She had gone into the bathroom by herself and just sat down and went. She came out and told CJ about it. That's so like her. Just doing it on her own, not when someone is pushing her.
Then last night my friend Emily came over and we went to town to get movies and some stuff for dinner. Dani got into the kiddy cart at HyVee. The kind with the car in front. She loves to drive instead of sitting in the regular cart. So anyway, we are in the store for maybe 10 minutes and all of a sudden I hear Dani trying to get my attention. She's holding out a cell phone wanting me to have a turn "talking" on it. I have no idea how she got this phone! It was soooooo funny!

living with questions

2010-03-05T08:59:00.003-06:00

I'm learning that I don't know more than I do know. I'm also learning that's ok. However, I'm so used to thinking I have to have the right answers in order to live right and not sin. If I don't know if something is right or wrong how can I know whether or not I can do it and still be ok in God's eyes? This is such a weird way of thinking however, it's the norm in church culture right now. We need pastors and teachers and even each other to tell us the right answers so we know the right way to live. Is smoking and drinking right or wrong? Is going to a bar ok? Is being gay a sin? Is being transgendered a sin? Is voting for a pro-choice candidate ok? Is capitalism good or bad? Is cussing a sin or just bad taste? Is speaking in tongues essential to being filled with the Holy Spirit or just a gift given to a select few? Should we be baptized as infants or after being "saved"? Etc etc etc. I think this is why there is so much division between different denominations. Even why there are different denominations to begin with. We feel we have to have all the answers nailed down and nailed down correctly. Questions aren't welcome. Uncertainty is to be avoided at all cost.

Right now I'm dealing with the questions of homosexuality. Right now I still think it's sin. However, I'm not so certain that I will argue with anyone about it. There is more and more science showing how hormones and genes contribute to many having homosexual tendencies. I also know that external factors play a huge role as well. (Such as having overbearing mothers or absentee fathers) There seems to be even more science pointing towards genetic or hormonal causes in those who would call themselves transgendered. If a "male" embryo receives female hormones invitro that causes them to feel more female than male do we condemn them anyway? Would God? I don't know yet and maybe I never will. Is that bad? I'm learning more and more that the answer is no.

We don't have to have all the answers! God is the only one with knowledge of ALL things. Plus, with learning more and more that it's not all about knowing the right way to live (and therefore avoiding hell) and just living in the love and presence of Jesus right here, right now, I'm learning it's ok to be in process. To always be learning and reevaluating what I've always thought to be set in stone.

I think one of the most dangerous things a church can do is to refuse to question. We have a history of doing that and it isn't pretty. ESPECIALLY when it comes to science. Remember (in history books) when the church refused to believe that the solar system didn't revolve around the earth? This seems silly to us now but back then it was a HUGE deal! It seemed so central to what they believed about how God created us and the worlds around us. For a long time the church refused to reevaluate what they had translated the Bible to say in order to fit it to what science had proven.

Are we doing the same thing today? What about evolution? Most christians will agree that the creation story isn't literal (6 24 hr periods) After all, we all know the verse that says, a day is a thousand years and a thousand years is a day to God. So is it so unbelievable that God might have created that single cell organism on the first "day" and set the system of evolution in place? Would that mean that he didn't actually "create" all that we see? Actually I think it's even more impressive and cool than if it all happened in 6 days! What a creative God we have!

We just need to be careful I think, in the coming days. Questions and uncertainty (and science) are not our enemies. They help us understand and explore our amazing God!

C.A.L.M.

2010-03-03T09:23:00.002-06:00

CJ says we should start a new christian group called CALM. It's for Christians Against Legislating Morality. This came in response to a group that is meeting at our church this Friday call LUV. It stands for Let Us Vote. They couldn't have picked a more inappropriate name if they tried! It's a group trying to get a vote to overturn the ruling that made gay marriage legal in Iowa. This is the second type meeting our church has hosted and it makes me sick! Is this the reputation we want those outside our church have of us? This is exactly the kind of thing that make the unchurched turn away. They see this kind of action as bigoted, hate-driven and unloving. What is the church supposed to be known for? LOVE!!!! Everything we are considering doing in the church should first be examined for what it will show to those outside the church. Will this show the love Jesus came to portray or not? If not, we shouldn't do it!

The debate about homosexuality in this country has done more to damage the church's effectiveness than just about anything since segregation. We need to wake up and realize this!!! Our stance doesn't need to change (unlike segregation) but our approach does. We can still believe homosexuality is a sin but not vote against them. We should love them! We should seek to understand them. Where are they coming from, what has happened in their life, who are they as a person, not as a homosexual? We should show them the love that Jesus showed the prostitutes and other "sinners" he hung out with. He was their friend, he loved them and THEN he talked to them about their sin when it was appropriate. Why do we not realize how much more people we could reach for Jesus if we acted as he did not as the religious right tells us we should???? We are doing the exact opposite of what Jesus did right now! And we still have the nerve to call ourselves the "body of Christ"??

If you look at many of the questions Jesus was asked in an effort to "trap" him in the context of his culture, many of them were politically charged! Every single time he refused to answer one way or another, thus not "taking sides" or joining a party in today's language. So if we want to be like Jesus, we should not ask is gay marriage wrong but how can we love those that want gay marriage. We should not ask in what instances, if any, is abortion right but how can we love both the mothers and baby affected by the circumstances that led to her seeking an abortion.

"We are called to be set apart" I hear all the time at church. And it's true. However, the meaning behind that I think is often wrong. We aren't just supposed to have less sin in our lives, we are supposed to have love motivate all we do. (unlike "the world" which doesn't have the love of Jesus) As a result we WILL sin less because sin hurts those we love, but you can see the difference. We can sin less and not love although that attitude often introduces new, more sinister sins (because we tend to ignore or even accept them in the church, which make them more dangerous) like self-righteousness, pride, hatred, intolerance, and rejection of the "sinners" we are called to love.

I hope in the future, we, as a church, will remember our reputation does affect how the unchurched views us. The worse our reputation is, the harder it is to introduce who the person of Jesus really is to those who are seeking him.

Angel Food

2010-02-26T15:46:00.002-06:00

One thing I meant to include in my "catch up" post was this... Angel Food is going really, really well. We are up to about 60 boxes this month and most of our volunteers are still helping. But I have to say the most exciting outcome of this ministry was one that I didn't even see coming but totally fits with the vision God gave me for the launch of the ministry. (that really shouldn't surprise me) People in our church AND other churches are buying boxes to donate to needy families. I think we have 10 or so this month. That is beyond exciting! I really thought this ministry was going to help us help those needy families by stretching their money dollar. That would have made me happy. However, God obviously had bigger things in mind!

Nothing new bout this

2010-02-26T14:56:00.003-06:00

Well all, this really doesn't surprise me. I've always been up and down when it comes to journaling or anything like it (blogging) but I always come back. I like it too much. It feels good to get my feelings down in print. However, it also take a lot of energy for me so when I feel drained I tend to stop for awhile. Does it surprise anyone I usually stop around the holidays?

Anyway, lots of things are happening but the main themes of my life are pretty much the same. I still spend most of my time with Dani. She is talking more and more. Sentences are forming longer and longer. She's doing really well despite the fact she's sick right now. She has a nasty cold and is being treated for a sinus infection. We are also potty training her right now. She has her good days and bad days. Right now is bad. I think the newness has worn off and she just doesn't get the excitement from going like she used to. I also think she's lazy. She doesn't want to worry about it cuz it's easier to just go and let Mommy or Daddy change her diaper. Oh well. She comes by that kind of attitude naturally.

CJ is doing better than a month ago. We've been struggling with his depression for several months. It's gotten really bad again. So he's started going to counseling again and he just saw his doctor today about changing his meds. The counseling has already helped some but not enough. Hopefully the combination of changes will help more. He's also eating better and trying to exercise more. He's lost about 15-20 lbs so far I think. He's looking goo-od. Of course I've always thought he's the most beautiful man but now he's just more so.

Our Sunday School is going really well. We are studying a book by John Burke entitled "No Perfect People Allowed" It has sparked some great discussion and growth in those who are coming. Our class is still small but that's ok. I'm really trying to just focus on the growth of those in our class and not worry about numbers. I'm really excited about the next two chapters. Chapter 4 talks about creating a "culture" of vulnerability and then chapter 5 follows up with a culture of acceptance. Of course acceptance is key if people are going to be vulnerable. I really hope we can nurture that kind of culture in our own class. Of course, I'm learning that it starts with me. Especially the vulnerability part. I'm hoping after these two chapters we can take the time to put these two principals into action. Maybe a week of sharing and prayer. We'll have to see how it goes over. To see if people take it to heart. It'll be interesting to see but honestly, I totally see us embracing the vulnerability and acceptance. Those in class seem to be totally absorbing the new ideas ("new" meaning ancient words said by Jesus) talked about in the book. I'm so excited.

Lately, thing have been going well EXCEPT in the area of money. The last couple months have really sucked. We've had emergency room visit bills, multiple car bills (sizable ones), our furnace motor went bad and I've been sick and have missed work. I know I'm not writing about all the expenses but those are the big ones. To top it all off, we are trying to SAVE $500 by April because we owe the IRS. We didn't expect it but it would have been very doable if all these extra expenses hadn't come up. It's really hard. I generally don't worry. CJ worries enough for both of us, but lately I've really been struggling with it. Seriously, we just don't have the money for everything! I don't know how it's all going to work. I know, I know that God will provide but sometimes it's harder to trust that than others. Usually, I don't struggle with it too much but lately it just seems like it's coming from all sides and it just won't let up. I guess you could say I'm being vulnerable :)

Well I know there's a lot more I could say but I'm going to wrap it up for right now. More soon...

How rich am I?

2009-11-11T23:56:00.003-06:00

I hear people say the generation of teens today are called the generation of Entitlement. They say that with such contempt and pride. I've always kind of rolled my eyes at it.

I DO think that most kids don't realize how good they've got it. But not in the way that most of those quoted above think. Have we ever thought about our lives compared to most of the world? I just got a magazine from World Vision. It shows all the different ways we can help those in 3rd World Countries this Christmas. They had so many things! Animals to buy for families, a Clean Water fund to dig wells, money to help women escape the sexual slave trade and so many more. How many of our kids are aware of how many kids live like this. For that matter, how many adults are aware? Is it really only our children and teens that feel "Entitled" to the life we are priviledged to live?

Back to Reality

2009-11-11T23:41:00.004-06:00

Well, vacation is over and life is stressful again. This kinda sucks. Let me back up.

CJ, Dani and I all went on vacation to Minneapolis, MN. We visited Ashley and Joshua Vance who just took their first pastorate position. It was nice to go on vacation, not have to pay for lodging and yet not have to fit in a million people (like when we go to KC). We still were pretty busy seeing everything but we had time to just lounge around and enjoy each other's company too. Minneapolis is a really beautiful city. Just wish we'd have been there a month ago when all the leaves were still on the trees. Oh well, we had record breaking high temps while we were there. Can't get much better than that.

We are back to our regular life here. I worked Tuesday (we got back Monday) and CJ went back to work today. He worked a 13 hour day just trying to get his department back to rights. I hope his bosses noticed how big of a difference it makes when he is gone. His dept was pretty crappy and looks MUCH better now.

Dani is really testing her boundaries since we got back. I don't know why but she's battling like crazy. Her favorite fits are now about getting dressed and bedtime. Plus a lot of little things throughout the day and boy does it add up. I had to stop today and apologize cuz I was being too harsh. I was in a bad mood cuz I was sick of fighting her but at this time I was the one being too demanding and mean. It was heartbreaking to me. I really stopped and looked in her eyes as I was yelling and she was so sad that I was talking to her that way. She looked so confused and upset. I'm tearing up now as I talk about it. I guess I didn't ruin everything cuz once I stopped and took a breath she went straight into my arms and let me apologize. I think this is the first time I've had to do this. At least to this degree. Poor thing.

Life is back to (pretty much) normal. Yipee!

Angel Food is Launched!

2009-10-24T21:16:00.004-05:00

Wow, what a morning! Angel food had it's first distribution day (at our church) today. It's exciting to see it off the ground. We had a good turn out of volunteers. Not everyone who signed up showed up but that's ok. People probably had conflicts. It was fun to see people getting excited about the ministry. A lot of our volunteers couldn't wait to take menus out to their friends, neighbors, and coworkers. And several "customers" (people who bought boxes) were excited to share with those around them too. It is so neat to see God spread this around. One woman who had bought a box, works with a lot of shut ins and people like that and she sees some of them buy precooked meals for $7.50 a pop. Well Angel Food has a "Senior Meals" box that is 10 meals for $28 and she can't wait to tell all those people about it. She said ours even looks better-tasting. Also, we have a volunteer that just can't wait to deliver to the elderly and handicapped so that will work out wonderfully.

We (CJ and I) have been praying since we got here that God would show people a new way of doing things. A new way to be the church, the body of Christ. And people are starting to catch the vision! It is exciting to see. I see so many new ideas flowing out of people and we are just trying to keep up. I told a friend of mine, Kathy, (who has tons of great ideas) that she just needs to write them all down because every time we talk she has 10 more! At least it seems that way.
I know God has been working behind the scenes, so I'm not going to say he's "finally" showing himself or coming through for us now, but it is exciting to see how our prayers really have made a difference over the last 2 or so years. People seem so "ripe", so hungry for this kind of ministry direction. It's exciting to dream about what God has in store.

However, I can tell that we are meeting resistance. Not so much from people in the church but from Satan. He is attacking some new christians that I was starting to talk to and minister to. We were going to start a new small group that would allow them to learn the basics of the Christian faith and help them get to know the person of Jesus and his vision for life. However, Satan is attacking their marriages pretty hard. It is hard to see this happen. I still think God could turn things around but one has to be open to it first and they seem pretty closed. So I'm dealing with this right now. I don't quite know how to proceed. One of the drawbacks to immersing our lives in others without putting on a happy mask, being real and vulnerable is that life gets messy. We don't always know what to do. We don't know how to help those that are making "messy" choices.

It's easy to greet someone in the hall at church with a smile and ask how they are doing. They will answer "Fine" or "Good" or something along those lines. We have this exchange enough times each Sunday and we feel we've connected with people. That we've invested in someone. That we've made someone feel welcome. That is CRAP. C.R.A.P. We need to be willing to go to the needy, the hurting, the outcasts and downtrodden of society. Those that are divorcing, homeless, poor, hungry, oppressed and hurting. But that makes for a messy life.
What happens then too, if we actually reach these people? What if they decide to check out our church. Will someone be welcome if they walk in hand in hand with someone of the same sex? Will someone dressed in a Marilyn Manson t-shirt, and black lipstick be welcomed in (without being stared at). What about a man who smells bad that won't stop talking to you. What will we do then? Will we be Jesus to those people? Jesus hung out with the outcasts. He built relationships with them. They liked him so much, they invited him to their parties! Does it sound like he felt the need to point out their sin right away? To tell them what they were doing wrong and needed to change before they were welcome in his presence? Who would invite someone like that to a big ol' party of all their sinner friends? I wouldn't! The fact that the very people that were shown nothing but contempt and disdain by the religious leaders of that day would want to party with Jesus shows us that he LOVED first. He talked to them like they were more than just the sum of their sin. That they were people that God loved and longed to have a relationship with. Jesus saw them as worthy of respect and compassion. He built a relationship built on love and respect first and then showed them that there was a better way of living. He called it the Kingdom of God. God's way of living. Living by the ways of his kingdom instead of the ways of the world around them. And the greatest attribute in God's kingdom is Love. Period.
So as we launch Angel Food and hopefully more ministries in this direction. I hope we think about how we can be a part of the Kingdom of God. How we can be the hands and feet and mouthpiece of Jesus. Love first. Period.

It's October!

2009-10-03T08:01:00.003-05:00

And it's come in like a lion! It's been cold and rainy for days now. Ugh, not liking it. Plus I've been outside more lately since the weather's been bad than I was when the weather was beautiful. Why? you ask? I've been helping some friends move the past two days and it's been a tad chilly and a bit wet. Not fun to move in but I guess it beats blisteringly hot. Ive done that too.
Wow, life has been crazy lately. The main thing has been potty training Dani. I never knew how much energy it took! She's been doing really good although I think she's regressed a little bit by being around all the chaos of the moving. She's tried to go now and then but she's mostly gone in her pull up. However, at home she's fine.
Overall, I am sooooo proud of her. She's doing really great! She rarely, if ever, has pee accidents anymore. I have yet to get her to poop in the potty but that'll come. (I hope) Maybe, once things calm down around here, we can work on that.
We are starting a new small group and I'm really excited about it. We've become acquainted with a new couple at church who already know some friends of ours. They are fairly new to the faith and are looking to do some basic studies. I'm going to do the study that Donnie (my pastor brother) does with new believers. I trust his judgement. I'm excited that they are excited to learn more about Jesus! That's great. And I didn't even bring it up, they told me about wanting to learn more and happened to turn to me. I feel a little overwhelmed but excited. I hope God can use me in this.
Well I gotta run, Dani will be up soon. More later.

brushfire??

2009-09-21T13:06:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was an interesting day at church. Some of the very issues CJ and I have been praying about for almost 2 years now were testified about after worship. I didn't catch everything that people said but I heard enough and things like "loving people to Jesus, not the church" were central themes to several people's testimonies. I was so excited! With starting this new Angel Food Ministry I hope to talk about these ideas with our volunteers and share a vision that I've had for a long time.
People are starting to get excited about AFM and so am I. I had a lot more volunteers sign up yesterday and we start taking orders this week. I think this is going to be bigger than we had originally thought. I originally had planned on not advertising this until the month of November but I didn't think to tell the congregation that. I've had so many people come up and tell me that they are telling friends and family and their coworkers etc etc. It's going to be interesting. :)
CJ and I were up talking last night after reading together (we are reading a book called "They Love Jesus But Not The Church"-fascinating) and really hope that the attitudes expressed yesterday catch on and spread through our church, much like a brushfire. Hopefully, AFM can play a role in that.

"Mommy, Wow! I'm a big kid now"

2009-09-17T20:53:00.004-05:00

Do you remember those commercials for pull ups? With the song "I'm a big kid. Look what I can do. I can wear big kid pants too." Well tonight if Dani could form a sentence she'd be singing it. :) Actually, tonight was the first time she peed in the elmo potty chair we bought 6 months ago. She acted very proud of herself but I couldn't quite tell if it was all her or just her reaction to my reaction. I clapped and cheered and we called Daddy and Mimi. I didn't have any candy but CJ's bringing that home from work tonight. M&Ms for Dani, comin' up. Wow, I guess I need to do some research on a method to start potty training. I haven't the slightest clue how to do this. For the next couple days, I'll probably wing it. I've always kinda been that mom that just takes her cues from the kid. I never put her on a schedule (she put herself on one) and I've usually just gone with my gut for most things. It has worked well for Dani. She has never been one that you can push. She does things at her own pace and if you rush her she just digs those heels in and she's staying put. Her slow pace is still faster than staying put!

Other than our excitement tonight. Life has definitely slowed down this week. I've still been busy but it's not that RUSHED kind of busy. Just enough to fill the day. We've been really working on Angel Food stuff this week. We start taking orders really soon and we are still trying to figure this out. I made some big strides this week by actually getting a hold of our contact person and getting some questions answered but we need to go though all the training stuff and figure out how to take orders and place them on the website. That's the next biggie we need to learn.

Tomorrow CJ is OFF!!!! Yeah! Even though he sleeps in in the morning and after that I have to go clean the church but still the whole afternoon and evening will be ours. I'm supposed to go to this ladies thing at church but I really need some CJ time. We tried to find a babysitter so we could have a date but no-can-do. Couldn't find anybody! So it's family night for us. That's still great though. I love watching CJ with Dani and she'll go to bed by 8:30 or so...

Well, I'm off to bed. G' Night all.

"mouthpiece of God"???? Really?

2009-09-04T09:29:00.002-05:00

I really really really wish people would think about what they say before they say it. And even if they still feel the comment they want to make is the truth, I wish they would think about HOW they should say it before it comes out of their mouth or is typed on to the web.
I was looking at some comments made my my friends on Facebook today (and many days in fact) that are soooo insensitive to others. One wished that people without health insurance would "get off their butts and get a job that offers health insurance" I know this person and he has skills that allows him to get that kind of job. Does he even think about how this might sound to those that don't have that ability?
Also, what bugs me WAY more about this scenario is that he is in a ministry position at a church! Hello!!! We are supposed to be the "mouthpiece of God" Did Jesus talk to those that were struggling like that? Heck NO!!! He treated them with compassion and understanding. He got to know them before he would have ever have had offered any kind of advice and even then it was done in LOVE!! No wonder many theologians refer to this time period the Great Embarrassment for God. He chose to entrust us with his image to convey himself to the world and look how we embarrass him. It's awful.
(By the way, I'm not saying I'm perfect but I AM learning to think before I say these days)

insane

2009-09-03T15:39:00.004-05:00

I knew next week was going to be busy but now it's going to be absolutely insane! I should probably tell you that since I blogged last December, I got another job besides Hy-vee. I am now cleaning our church twice a week. It works great with our schedules (I can pick my hours) and the pay is good. Part of this job is I clean up after weddings. So occasionally I have to fit those hours into my week. It's usually a pain cuz of trying to find a babysitter or trying to work it around CJ's schedule but we do ok plus the extra money is nice.

The weekend of Sept 12 and 13, I have TWO weddings to clean up after! One is usually a hassle, but TWO? But "Hey," I told myself, "It's great extra money and I can do this" I decided to ask off from Hy-vee to ease the stress a little (I still work Monday nights there) plus, CJ is off Monday cuz it's Labor Day. So we'd have a fun day together before a really busy week.

One more things, it's Rodeo weekend. So CJ will probably be working more hours and the parade is Saturday. I really want to take Dani to it even though last time some stuff scared her. I really hope she does better this time.

So "Why is it going from busy to insane" you ask? Well, yesterday my boss calls me and asks me to work anyway next week cuz she doesn't have enough help. What? Long story short, if she'd have hired enough help and trained enough people to close, she wouldn't be so short on help. It's a long story... Anyway... also, you must know my boss is not someone you can put in a bind or she will punish you forever for it. So what choice do I have? I grudgingly tell her I can work one night to help her out even though I sooooooo didn't want to. (I was looking forward to being free from that place just one week)

Then today, my boss' boss calls and asks me to work yet ANOTHER night. Basically she says if I don't we have no other options and I need to do it.
Soooo... my week is as follows---

Monday-regularly scheduled church cleaning then closing shift at HV

Tuesday-getting up with Dani in the morning cuz CJ has to work early, then closing shift at HV.

Wednesday-CJ works in the afternoon so I'll see him a little in the morning and then I have worship team practice and a Sunday School board meeting that evening.

Thursday-regular cleaning at the church plus some extra to get things ready for the weddings.

Friday-my one day off, but CJ is working the 8-6 shift so we won't see him all day. That makes Dani anxious and irritable and therefore more challenging. Plus he'll work late with it being Rodeo weekend

Saturday-Rodeo Parade with Dani, then attending a wedding, then cleaning up after the wedding AND reception. (they are having both at the church)

Sunday-worship team and then another wedding to clean up after (they are also having both the ceremony and reception at the church)

I am just so tired thinking about it. When my boss's boss called asking for another day I literally cried. I usually work 10-12 hours a week. Both Hy'vee and church cleaning together. This week I will be working 15 hours at HV alone, plus everything else. I know this doesn't sound like tons to all of you that work full time but remember I'm also a stay at home Mom, I still have Dani to care for.

Side Note- I don't like that term "stay at home mom" like we sit on the couch munching cheetos all day. I prefer "work at home mom" so from now on that's how I'll refer to myself.

I'm tired just thinking about it. Pray for me if you think of me next week.

like a new years resolution in years past

2009-09-01T11:07:00.002-05:00

Ha Ha Ha. This reminds me of all the times I resolved on Jan 1st to write in my diary everyday when I was a kid!!! I'm not so good at keeping up at this but I'm going to give it a shot again.
There were some things that really kept me emotionally drained over the last 6 months or so. When I feel like that, the last thing I want to do it sit down and write. Writing drains me even though I enjoy it. Sooooo, I'm feeling better and want to start up again.
Life is good overall. We are struggling with feeling like we belong sometimes. I didn't expect to feel like starting over when we moved here. I've never actually moved somewhere without a group of friends. Having to start from scratch with friendships is difficult. Thank goodness we've got each other! (cue, "I've got you babe...) CJ has been struggling with this the most I think. I've got some friendships they just aren't as close as those I left behind.

On the upside, we are going to be starting a new ministry at church. It's called Angel Food. Basically, it allows people to buy $70 worth of food for about $30. CJ and I bought from them in KC and it was really good quality stuff. With this area's low income ratio it'll hopefully be really helpful for some. We are just getting started this month with meetings and getting volunteers.

I'm going to be coordinating a Live Nativity this year if I can pull it off. I NEED to meet with people soon! I've got to make sure we can build the sets before I can really get going. I have no idea what kind of budget I'm going to get and how many guys would be willing to build sets. I'm going to start small this year and hopefully build on it from year to year. Anyone willing to help? You don't even need to be involved in our church or any church for that matter to help. We want anyone to feel welcome to help out. I'm going to try my best to make it fun.

I've read a lot of books this past 6 months. I feel like I'm growing more and more at peace with my new view of Christian living but getting more and more frustrated with how to incorporate that in my life. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I'm learning what God want me to learn but I am stumbling with what he wants me to do. I am continuing on the same path that I started when we got here; trying to bring change in the environment we are already in, cuz I don't feel any clear instruction to do otherwise but I struggle with impatience.

Dani is growing like a weed. She is making up for her growth "stall" from 9 months to 18 months. I had to go buy all new clothes for her this fall. (well not ALL new but quite a bit of stuff) She's as strong willed as we thought she'd be and is now reaching things she could never reach before. So I'm having to baby proof all over again. Not as easy as the first time. All we had to do last time was move stuff up. Now I have no where to put things. Working on some creative solutions on this one.

Well that's all for now. I'll write more soon, I promise. Peace out :) Always wanted to say that.

Thank God for kids

2008-12-25T19:21:00.004-06:00

When I was a little girl my parents had the Oak Ridge Boys Christmas cassette tape. We used to listen to it over and over every year. (mostly cuz we had, like, 3 Christmas cassettes) One of my favorite songs was called "Thank God for Kids" The chorus goes...

Thank God for kids there's magic for a while,
A special kind of sunshine in a smile.
Did you ever stop to think, 'I wonder why, the nearest thing to heaven is a child'?

The verses are just as good if not better.
I got a taste of that yesterday and today.
Last year, Dani was still 6 months and not really aware of most that was going on. This year at the IL's we had Dani at 18 months and Amos at 12 months and it was a riot. They were so cute and really got into opening the presents. And even if they didn't understand it all (which the obviously didn't) they did understand that this was a special time and they were front and center of it all.
I was sitting in my IL's living room taking pictures on the couch. The 2 kids were playing with some blocks. We were all watching them while we finally got our turn to open a present or two (actually more like 5 or 6). The kids were squealing and having fun. We were opening presents from each other and just having a good time. I know this sounds so cheesy but I had this overwhelming thought that said "Now, THIS, feels like Christmas" I haven't had so much fun on Christmas morning since I was a child myself. Kids add so much to the mix. I can't wait till next year when we'll have another one. (my brothers baby not me!) I love to watch them smile and hear them squeal with excitement when they see what's inside the wrapping. I know too that Dani will only get better over the next few years as she learns to anticipate the day.
It was a good day!

Glad I don't live in Canada

2008-12-23T15:39:00.003-06:00

I am so not loving the cold spell we are finding ourselves in right now! If I could just simply stay inside, sip hot chocolate, snuggle down under a blanket and watch bad Christmas movies I'd be fine but that is not my life!

First of all, we live on a lane that will drift shut with 1 inch of snow. Throw in some ice and we have Saturday night. CJ and I were leaving to go on a much-needed date when we had white-out conditions on the lane! I couldn't see anything and the van was going at a decent clip so not to get stuck. I ended up getting off to the side into a rut that Dad had accidentally made just the day before. We couldn't move an inch! So here we are, it's -30 degrees windchill and we are stuck in the middle of nowhere with "date" clothes on. Dad was at work and Mom was on call and recovering from a nasty sinus infection. We really really didn't want to walk home. (I had on dress shoes) Finally, Mom was able to come out and pick up CJ in the truck. He took her back home, bundled up in Dad's coveralls and got some gloves and a hat and then came back over. I tell ya, even though I knew he was coming back and I wasn't stranded alone, I really struggled with a small panic attack! I was sitting in the middle of nowhere, with 40 mph winds and whiteout conditions. It was cold and it took CJ nearly 20 minutes to get back and we'd already been sitting there for nearly 30 minutes before Mom came. It was surreal. Anyway, Dad told CJ to just find something solid under the van and wrap a chain under it. Then hook that chain to the truck and pull! Well... he found our heating line and broke it. There was absolutely nothing else under there!
So to make this long story short, we ended up leaving the van there until the next morning when Dad and I spent 2 hrs trying to find something to hook up to, that would hold strong so we could pull it out. It was cold and miserable!!!
I can't imagine living where every winter is bad and worse! I'm sure we'll end up being one of those old couples that "fly" south for the winter. ;) Fine by me!!

Expectations

2008-11-30T06:20:00.004-06:00

Friday night we all ("all"=CJ, Mom and Dad, Erin and Donnie and their friend, Andy)went to the lighted Christmas parade. I was the one that kind of pushed it because, lately, as we've been driving around town I'll hear behind me oohs and ahhs from Dani when she sees Christmas lights. I thought she'd love the parade. She was fine while we waited. She was a little frustrated because I had her on a harness cuz she kept wanting to run away but otherwise good. The first thing of the parade was a fire pickup that had it's lights flashing, I think it freaked her out. She started crying and squirming and then everything freaked her out after that. I don't know if it was the floats moving by her or the noise of the generators 0n the floats or what but she hated every float. She ended up burying her face in my mom's coat and eventually falling asleep.

Confession... instead of taking her and comforting her as a "good" mom should, when I saw her freaking out in CJ's arms I got frustrated. This is the third time something like this has happened. By "like this" I mean, we planned an outing that I thought she'd love and she hated or acted up.
The first was the rodeo parade. She got over stimulated by all the sirens in the beginning so she was skittish the whole time. And the bands, which I thought she'd love since she loves music, freaked her out the worst.
The second outing was to the pumpkin patch. First, CJ's family all backed out at the last minute so that already had me frustrated. Secondly, Dani was in a foul mood the whole time we were there. She literally screamed in protest every time I took the camera out. I got a few candids but nothing with her in front of a hay bale or corn stalks or ya know, any picturesque photos that you view in your head. She didn't want to do anything. She even threw down a "Dani" sized pumpkin I gave her. I literally left the pumpkin patch in tears.
The third outing was this parade. I really didn't think we could go wrong with this because she's been loving the Christmas lights lately and she isn't bothered by crowds. How could we go wrong right?
I know they say not to have expectations and you're probably thinking that I need to let them go but how can I? In the 5 years we tried to conceive, I used to dream about these moments and how they would look. I can't just throw that all away can I?
Am I the only one who this happens to?

Flies!!!

2008-11-26T13:37:00.003-06:00

Ok this is going to be a stupid post but I have to vent...
What is with all the stupid flies and how do they get in my house???? I just killed about 10 flies that were on my bedroom window this morning. Then I go in there after being gone for a couple hours and there was 20! It's like plucking a gray hair, 2 grow in it's place. I thought the cold was supposed to kill them anyway! I have more than in the summer time. Plus I absolutely abhor flies! They are so gross and dirty! You'd think I'd be used to them, growing up on a farm. They love manure and we had a ton of it with all the animals around. I never got used to them. I can remember going outside where they used to congregate on our garage doors with a fly swatter and going crazy with it. I guess I thought that if I killed enough of them, they'd quit hanging out there. I don't think it ever worked but I sooooooo wanted to get rid of them that I kept trying. Well, I don't do that anymore but I still try to keep them out of my house. Ugh! They are gross!

crazy plans

2008-11-26T13:26:00.003-06:00

Wow, when I think about the schedule we have the next two days I feel like I need to sit and catch my breath! Here's a run down...
Tonight, not too bad. As soon as Dani wakes up (she's napping) we are going back over to my mom's and Erin and I are going to start making supper for everyone. It's going to be huge!
Tomorrow is busy. We start by volunteering from 8-11 at Burlington High School at the big dinner they have there every year. We are packing box lunches early so they can be delivered to shut ins around the area. Then I'll have to run home and get ready and let Dani take a nap. At 1 is the Miller get-together lunch. As soon as we're done there, we are hitting the road to go to CJ's parents for supper with them and his sister's family.
Friday is even busier. We are going shopping in the morning, then back in time for Dani's nap. Then CJ and I are going to the Shaffer's get-together over in Illinois. Then we have to be back in time for the lighted Christmas parade in Fort Madison. I absolutely can't wait to see Dani's expressions as she sees all the lights. She's so animated!
If this was just us, it would be fine. However, poor Dani might have a hard time. I hope she adapts easily. She's getting less and less flexible as she's getting older.
I hope everyone has a great week. Don't forget to take time to be thankful, even if it's simply time taken in the car, going from one dinner to the next.

a common cold??

2008-11-22T21:07:00.004-06:00

I HATE being sick. Always have but even more so since I've had Dani. Gone are the days when I can simply call in sick and take care of myself till I'm better. No...now I have to either suck it up and get up anyway to care for my little girl who still needs to be fed, diapered, played with and read to, or I have to find a babysitter on short notice. Well, Thursday I simply sucked it up and played with Dani myself. Friday and Saturday (today)that just didn't seem to be an option, I could barely function enough to get up and go to the bathroom but less take care of a lively, busy toddler. Plus, I really didn't want her to get what I had/have. So, God bless 'em, the Eagens have watched her for me the past two days.
She absolutely loves going there! There are 3 kids who just love on, dote on and play with her all day. For a little girl who loves being the center of attention there is nothing better.
So needless to say the past two days have been much more fun for her than for me. I've been so sick with a cold. I can't remember the last time a COLD knocked me out like this. Last night, I went out and bought humidifiers for ours and Dani's bedrooms. They made a decent difference. Dani has been having a cough and been congested too but this morning when she woke up it was all gone. That makes me feel a lot better. I'm hoping it was all just because of dry air and not because she's got the same bug as me. As for me, I did sleep better. I didn't wake up with a mouth full of cotton balls like I have been (since I have to breathe exclusively through my mouth since my nose is so stuffed up) and my nose was actually less congested. I pretty much stayed in my bedroom today reading and napping so I got a lot of benefit from the humidifier. As much as I hated to spend the money (they are expensive! I bought cheap ones last year from Walmart but I threw them out because they made no difference whatsoever), they were worth the investment. Even if just for Dani's sake. She slept through the whole night and woke up completely congestion free and hasn't coughed once. Yeah!
I don't think I'll be making it to church tomorrow. Even if I feel better I don't want to infect everyone. Plus I really need to not push it tomorrow cuz I have to work Monday and Tuesday so I need to conserve my energy to make it through. I'm always exhausted by Wednesday anyway and I've never had to make it through while being sick. I already know the Eagens are going to take Dani Tuesday all day since I work till midnight Monday night and then go in again at 4pm till 10pm Tuesday night. Hopefully I'll get a nap to get me through on Tuesday. If I can just make it through, hopefully I'll be able to take it easy through the rest of the week. My brother and sister-in-law are going to be here (yeah!) but we don't have any big plans so hopefully we'll just sit around and do nothing. That's my kind of vacation!
I'm starting to ramble and it's time for my drugs-I can tell, my nose is getting more stuffy again...

No room at the inn

2008-11-20T20:16:00.002-06:00

I'm very excited by little things sometimes and today it happened again. CJ and I are going to Des Moines for the Tyler get-together on Dec 6th. We went last year and stayed at my Uncle Glen's house which worked out great. (we usually stay there anytime we go to Des Moines) However, this year there is no space for us to stay there since both his daughters and both Grandbabies moved back in. The one guest room he has is always occupied by my aunt. So my Grandmother graciously offered to pay for a hotel room. When I first heard about it, it felt like an answer to prayer. Then I got to thinking of the challenges it presents. First of all, Dani can't sleep in the same room as us. She cries if she sees us. Also, she is still having a bottle when she wakes up and before she goes to bed. That requires a fridge to store the milk (we could do with a cooler if need be so this isn't a huge issue) and a microwave to warm it up. (we've tried weaning her off to cold milk but she won't have it so this is a huge issue) Today I was looking online to book a room and discovered a hotel that specializes in long stays but will still book a room for 1 night if need be. It has a kitchenette (with fridge and microwave included) and is L shaped so we should be able to put Dani out of view. Plus it's only about $15 more than others we were looking at and is still within the budget given to us. Yeah!!! It makes me happy! I know it seems little to most of you but this really takes a lot of stress out of this trip. I no longer have to worry about this stuff. I have literally been stressing about these two issues for weeks, ever since the room was offered. Yeah!

All at once

2008-11-16T14:25:00.002-06:00

I find myself asking if anything else can go wrong and apparently the answer is yes. Dani has been having a really rough time for the past 2 weeks. She's been teething really badly. She's getting her "eye" teeth (I don't know if that's the proper spelling.) and apparently they are some of the worst. (they still haven't come in) Tuesday she got the first shot of two for her flu shot. I guess for the first-timers they split the vaccine in half so she's getting the second shot next month. After the flu shot she got a canker sore the size of Rhode Island in her mouth. THEN she fell and hit her mouth really hard. She has a huge, bloody fat lip and a blood blister on her gums. NOW, she's starting to cough and we just found out she was exposed to bronchitis! She's is sorry shape. And as you parents know, as they are so you are...
She is not sleeping at all. Last night she cried more than she ever did as a newborn. But there's nothing we could do but let her cry because we already gave her all her medicine and all she is wanting is for us to hold her. She's been wanting to fall asleep with us rocking her but as soon as we start to get up to put her down (cuz she's out cold) she starts crying and doesn't sleep in her crib. It's sooooo frustrating and yet we feel so bad for her cuz she's so miserable. She cries out for us even in her sleep. None of us have gotten sleep in 3 days! I'm so exhausted. And you should see the poor thing, she's a mess!
A friend of ours offered a solution that I think we're going to try. We don't have a recliner but they have one and they said they'd bring it here and we could put it in her room and she could sleep on one of us. I'm a little hesitant about it cuz I don't want to start a bad habit. But us sleeping away from her isn't working either so I think we're going to try it just so we can hopefully, get a little sleep.
Poor thing, I know she has the worst of it but I sometimes find myself throwing ME the pity party in my sleep-deprived state.

true thanksgiving

2008-11-12T12:15:00.004-06:00

The Holiday season! I love it! I am sitting at my desk, listening to Christmas music, sipping hot chocolate, thinking about the festivities to come in the next month or so. I looking forward to it even more this year for two main reasons. 1) Even though it's not Dani's first Christmas it's the first that she will register what's going on. I'm sure this excitement will continue over the next few years as she learns to anticipate the day in advance. 2) Donnie and Erin will be here twice over the next two months. This is the first Holiday season we've lived far away from them and I miss them. They are going to be here in two weeks for Thanksgiving!
Another reason I'm excited is this year we are going to serve the community on Thanksgiving. What a great way to remember what we have to be thankful for. I guess Burlington High School has a dinner every year on Thanksgiving Day. They serve lots of people there in the cafeteria and also deliver meals to people who are home-bound. Well, on Thanksgiving morning we are going to put meals together that are to be delivered to shut-ins. I am excited about it actually. I think it'll be a great way to celebrate the day together as a family.
It's been interesting to see the little sacrifices that we will make that day in order to serve and the reactions of some of my family members to those sacrifices. One person was really hesitant to devote 3 hrs to something else on Thanksgiving, and one was sad to miss the Macy's Parade, a tradition for them. I don't think badly of them for thinking of those things and being a bit hesitant, service always requires a bit of sacrifice. However, we all know it's worth it and are happy to serve those less fortunate on a day we celebrate how much we actually have. As evident by the amount of food I'm sure we will stuff ourselves with later that day. :)
I hope to continue this new tradition, especially as Dani gets older and can help too. I want her to never take any of our blessings for granted, even to the food we eat.

10 years ago

2008-11-12T11:58:00.003-06:00

Saturday CJ and I made a day trip to the Iowa City area and did some Christmas/grocery/anything shopping. We went to Tanger Outlet mall and Sams Club. We got gifts for several people, Christmas shopping is half done!
At the last minute we decided that the trip would be way to much for Dani and we arranged for the Eagens to take her (thank God for them!!!!!) for the day. She enjoys going there so much more than traipsing around with us. I'm really glad we did that because 1)the day was longer than we had planned but mostly 2)because CJ and I needed the day together. It's been awhile since we've connected like that. You married folk will be able to relate to this. I know marriage has it's ups and downs, but lately we've been going through a down patch. It sucks actually. Knowing it happens doesn't necessarily make it easy to get through.
Saturday, we laughed and talked, not really about anything deep but just easy banter and conversation. We were completely comfortable with each other, no work stress, house cleaning stress, or anything that causes our daily fights. It was lighthearted and free like when we were teenagers (or as close as we will ever get).
On the way home, we realized that ten years ago that weekend was the weekend we went to Coralville Mall (outside Iowa City) and got our promise rings. The weather was even the same. Snow flurries enough to make it pretty but no enough to make driving hazardous. It was a good memory to recall together.

It don't get no better than this

2008-11-01T21:07:00.004-05:00

This weekend was full of fun, hard work, but fun all the same. Yesterday was packed full with "Trunk or Treat" preparations. I helped Destiny and a sick Jessie, with getting all the last minute preparations done. I was in charge of all the outside decorations and I thought they looked good. :)
"Trunk or Treat" was a success. A friend of mine said she had 500 pieces of candy and gave out 2 to each kid and she was almost out! The kids enjoyed all the games and we had 15 trunks!!! Not bad for our first year. Look out next year, Jessie's already planning for it. :)
Today was totally different. I didn't have to run around working hard and making sure everything was done and taken care of. I did, however, have a full day. It was Plow Days today at my parents farm. All these farmers from the surrounding areas bring all their antique plows pulled by antique tractors and/or horses. There's food, dirt, and lots of lawn chairs. I took Dani over as soon as I was up and except for her nap time, we were there all day. She ran all around, getting into EVERYTHING but Grammie and PaPa were there to help. Dad walked around with her in his arms a lot today. He is SUCH a proud grandpa! Late in the day she came over to give him a kiss and he turned to one of his farmer friends and said, "It don't get no better than this" Ahhhhh
She'll sleep good tonight.
Please knock on wood for me!!!

little road trip

2008-10-26T12:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a good day till about 11:14pm. It was all downhill from there. It didn't start quite as well as I wanted but I guess you can't have everything. :)
Saturdays are supposed to be my morning to sleep in. I couldn't so I was up at 7:30. I went ahead and got up and played with Dani. Then around 9 we took her into the Eagens, who were going to keep her overnight. Then CJ and I went out for breakfast at Hy-Vee. (I love going to breakfast with him. It's such a different feel than dinner) Then I dropped him off at home and went over to Mom's. She's finally back online and needs help figuring out facebook and blogs and stuff. I had lunch with Mom and Dad and came home to get ready for St. Louis.
Chris, CJ's brother, is home from his second tour in Iraq and really really likes hockey. He paid for all of us to go a St. Louis Blues (a professional hockey team) game.
So we left CJ's parents about 3:30 and drove down the to the game that started at 7:30. We barely made it. We stopped twice. Once for gas and the other to eat at Ponderosa's. (gag) However, the game was totally awesome! If you haven't been to a live game, don't say you don't like hockey at all. I can say I don't like watching it on TV but live-it's awesome. Although, I wish I'd read the book "Hockey for Dummies" before we went cuz I was totally lost. However, the lady sitting beside me was really nice. Apparently she volunteers at the stadium at least once a month and was a wealth of knowledge. The only downer of the whole game was during the second period a woman came and sat down right behind me and was screaming so loud she literally gave me a headache. It was ridiculous! She would scream "shoot, shoot" when they were in no position to do so and stuff like that. So I moved during the third period and all was right in the world again. :) Chris even bought Dani and Amos (Dani's cousin) little jersey's. They are so cute!
The game ended at 10:30 and by 10:45 we were on the road. I remember saying at 11:10 that if I could stay this awake (I was driving)I'd be good to go. However, at 11:14 (no joke) I was about asleep. It was like all the adrenaline left my body and there was no turning back. We even stopped at Bowling Green and got coffee and protein but to no avail. I drove all the way back to his parents but it was hell.
We fell into bed at 2:06 this morning and I slept hard till 11. I found I loved hockey (live anyway) but I still wish we could have stayed overnight. That late trip home made the hockey game not worth it. However, if we'd have stayed, I would have nothing but awesome memories of this little road trip.

technique

2008-10-24T11:29:00.004-05:00

A funny thing happened to me on Wednesday night...but first I have to give you some back ground.
I grew up loving music and I was blessed enough to go to a high school that had a good music program. I didn't always like Al (my choir director) but he challenged us and that is what I liked most. I certainly would never ever chose to go back to high school but there is ONE thing I miss, being challenged musically. I loved working my butt off on a challenging piece of music! I loved getting every minor detail perfect which was something Al focused on for All-State tryouts and in his top choir which I was part of. The harder the music, the more reward I got out of my hard work. As an adult, who sings Bach? Certainly not me. I miss it! However, on Wednesday night, Chris, a guy at my church who is leading our Christmas choir, introduced us to our music for the first time. It's not Bach but it's closer than most stuff we sing on a weekly basis. I found myself falling back into my old technique habits. Making sure my posture was good, my breathing was correct, my vowels formed properly. I was paying attention to phrasing, dynamics, and all those minor details. I haven't dealt with these details in around 9 years and it all came flooding back to me. Al should be proud! :)
I think I'm going to like choir this Christmas!

marriage relationships

2008-10-20T12:42:00.005-05:00

Why is it that we treat our spouse worse than we would a stranger? We would never snap at someone else for eating too loud, being a little late, or whatever else little pet peeve you can think of. We give others so much grace and none to those closest to us.
I heard a story of someone who was talking about something I talk about a lot and it was like someone slapped me across the face with it. I don't remember the context or even where I heard it but I'm going to paraphrase. This man was telling an acquaintance/friend about how much he was learning about God's grace. About how God doesn't kick us when we're down, how God's not this person who only gives us so many chances and that's it, how he loves us even at our worst, etc etc. When he was done, the friend said that it must be wonderful to be your wife and children. How could you learn so much about God's grace and not therefore, be that much more grace-full to those around you? The man stopped and realized all these realizations he'd had, hadn't transferred into his home. He saw how he was supposed to give more grace to the world around him and even to himself, but not to his own family. He said it changed his life.
As Paul said, I am the chief of sinners. I am so ungraceful to CJ. I expect him to always be courteous, even when he's tired and stressed and thoughtful of my feelings at all times, in all situations. When he fails I have very little grace. However, I expect him to be graceful to me. When I'm tired, I get super crabby. Sometimes I just get in a mood and there's no snapping me out of it. I expect him to deal with it and know that it's just because I'm tired, moody, emotional, or whatever else excuse I give. In other words, he needs to give me grace. Most of the time he's pretty good about it, especially the moodiness. He's learned it's just me and I'll snap out of it sometime soon. (just that much more quickly if he shows me the grace I am so obviously needing) There are some situations that push his buttons that he falls short of showing me the grace I need but who doesn't? I certainly do that all the time.
This issue has been brought to the forefront of my mind recently by a movie I went to go see with CJ. It's called Fireproof. If you haven't seen it yet, go. It's wonderful. The most wonderful thing about it wasn't the acting, although that was better than the previous movies, or even that it was a "Christian" movie, all the "Christian" stuff could have been taken away and this part would have still been left. The best part was that it reminded us to appreciate our spouse and treat them like they are they are worthy of love and grace. To hold our tongue instead of spouting off that little jab, to study our spouse again, their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick. Basically to do the things we used to that made them fall in love with us in the first place. How many of our spouses would have fallen in love with us if we treated them then like we do now? After CJ and I went to see Fireproof, we had one of the best dates we've had in years. Probably one of the best since we've been married! It wasn't about where we went or what we did (we went shopping for Dani and went to Carlos O'Kellys) but how we treated each other.
I know our relationships change after marriage, it's inevitable. There is a study that has shown the intensity of feelings can physically not be maintained chemically in our brain. That intense "I must be with them every second of every day" feeling. To try to hold on to those feelings is not realistic at all. But what we can and should but don't keep up is the basic courtesy, the deference to each others feelings, the unselfishness, and outward expressions of love on a daily basis. How many marriages might have been saved if these weren't done away with after the "honeymoon" phase ended?

when your best isn't good enough

2008-10-18T20:23:00.002-05:00

What do you do when your best doesn't cut it? Sure beats the heck out of me! As a mom I try hard, but I feel like I'm coming up short quite often. As a wife, I feel like I try hard, I work outside the home, I cook, I clean, and nothing is enough. I don't make enough money, I don't cook enough to avoid eating out and enough for leftovers, and the house still is a mess! Sometimes I feel like throwing up my hands and giving in to my selfish urges and just quit trying. However, I know that won't solve anything so I keep plugging along, forever behind.
Now if it were just me that this affected, I could handle it. However, it doesn't affect just me, if affects my whole family. Obviously, the parenting decisions I make affect Dani a lot and the house and cooking really, really affect CJ as a messy house and money spent eating out stress him out a ton. So what do I do? Do I cut out the time I set aside to care for myself? Should I sacrifice my "down-time" to work on the house, therefore having a cleaner house (and a happier husband) but a more haggard life? Or do I just keep plugging away and hope things get better?
Is there a solution or is this going to always be my life until we're empty nesters? (what a depressing thought)

holding out vs. holding on

2008-10-12T22:27:00.003-05:00

I just got done talking to a friend of mine who is struggling with the desire to have a baby at the wrong time. Every time I hear of someone wanting to have a baby and can't reminds me of 5 years of my life. CJ and I wanted a baby so badly for 5 years and couldn't make it happen. Everything we tried failed both financially and physically. Some times we were physically unable to conceive, sometimes financially not prepared. Both ways were difficult to deal with.
One thing I've learned through the process is that when God doesn't answer right away and seems to be "holding out" on you, he's not. He has plans that are for our good. He doesn't hold out to be cruel or even just because he can. God's goodness is beyond our comprehension. He IS good and that applies to all our circumstances. Even the hard to understand ones. God doesn't hold out on us, he holds on to us though our pain and struggle. He holds on to guide us through to the other side.
I once heard it said "The enemy of the best is the good." Having a baby on our schedule is a good thing. Having a baby on God's schedule is the best. Sometimes we jump the gun and take matters into our own hands if at all possible. Usually there is a mess to clean up. And in the matters of children, they are usually the ones to deal with the mess of our lives.
If I had conceived Dani on MY timetable she'd have had to deal with a very selfish, self-centered, immature mother who needed to grow up. I am a vastly different person than what I was 7 years ago when we first started trying to have a baby. Dani is reaping the benefits of God's patience. So is our marriage. I don't think CJ and I would still be married if we'd have had to deal with some of our struggles, complicated by the stress of children. That, or our children would be living in a tense, unloving environment. Thank God he held on to me in my pain of infertility until he was ready to pour out blessings on CJ and I and also Dani. Our marriage is strong, our parenting is mature and Dani has parents who love her deeply.
God isn't holding out, he's holding on.

4-wheeling

2008-10-11T23:18:00.002-05:00

When I was kid, I loved being outdoors. I used to leave the house with a picnic lunch and not return till afternoon. I would explore ravines, creekbeds and all the nooks and crannies I could find in the area. I know I ventured off my dad's property many many times but no one cared. I used to see all kinds of wild life and I learned how to determine whether the tracks I'd see were fresh. I did this less and less as I got to be a teenager and got more involved in sports, choir, band and boys but I still love to get out in nature when I can. One of my favorite things to do is go 4-wheeling. I takes me out to many of my old haunts quickly. Plus, since CJ won't ever get a motorcycle, it's the closest thing I have. ;)
Yesterday, a friend came to my dad's property to check out a deer stand and couldn't find it. It turned into a full-out "hunt" to find it. We drove the 4-wheeler everywhere. It was soooo fun! I haven't been out on the 4-wheeler since May. I need to do it more often.

great date

2008-10-11T23:07:00.002-05:00

Great guy, great movie, great food...what else do you need for a great date?
Tonight was wonderful! CJ and I went out on a date that lasted all afternoon. We started by dropping Dani off at some friends. They are keeping her overnight for us so we didn't have to worry about how late we could be out and getting her put down on time, etc, etc. Then we went and watched the movie "Fireproof". Talk about romantic! I was in tears several times. It really moved CJ too so the rest of the night he was incredibly romantic with me. It was a date like we used to have before we were married. He opened doors for me and everything! I loved it! Then we did a little shopping at different stores. I know it isn't romantic in and of itself but the mood we were in... anything would have been romantic. We were holding hands, walking close and stealing kisses. Ahhhhhh.
Then we went to Carlos O'Kellys, one of our old time favorites. I'm still stuffed! :)
I am not one of those people that expects marriage to feel like dating. Life gets in the way. We have to work, pay bills, clean house, cook and care for children. However, it is nice to have an evening that touches those old feelings. I think we should start all our future dates with a romantic movie. Sets the mood for the evening!! ;)

Weight update

2008-10-06T13:08:00.003-05:00

Slowly but surely plugging along. I've lost 14lbs so far. I don't remember what it was the last time I blogged, it's been awhile. It's so easy to want a quick fix. (are quick fixes always wrong when it comes to weight?) I trying to stay focused but it's hard.

Pride

2008-10-06T12:33:00.005-05:00

One thing I've noticed about Republicans is a sense of pride. "I can do it myself, thank you very much, and if I can't I'll die trying." That is why it is rare to find a person below the poverty line that is a republican.
Oppression is a very real thing in this country and those that say otherwise are usually white and male. Which would make sense, they've never experienced oppression in this country's history. But walk through a very poor part of the country or the inner city and you'll see oppression, in many forms (prejudice, racism, sexism, etc) are alive and well.
Now before you let yourself think of all that's wrong with what I'm saying and how you are going to prove it (you know who you are) pause for a second. There ARE people that simply can not buck up and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. And even if they do the best they can with what they have, they wouldn't be able to all they would like to do, all they need to do to ensure their children don't end up like they are. Oh they might be able to finally pay bills, buy a house in a slightly "better" neighborhood so their kids aren't constantly dealing with violence and drugs but that doesn't ensure their kids can go to college (at least without mounds and mounds of debt to overcome) or that they can retire with dignity or even afford quality health care to ensure their families health comes first, not the mortgage or anything else.
The gap in this country is HUGE!!! The rich are Sooo rich and the poor... many are certainly better off than some in the world but that's really not saying much is it? I hear some of the numbers of dollars made by one person, the number of houses they have, cars, toys, square footage, jewelry and on and on and on. It is insane. If the rich would quit focusing on their own pleasure for a second they could do some amazing things in this world. And right now I'm talking to the super rich, (probably none of them read this blog) but I'll talk to the rest of us in a minute. If $30 dollars a month feeds and educates one child a month what would a million a year do? A thousand? Ten thousand? Do you really need another Jaguar? If a child that was starving in a third world country came and saw your collection of houses and cars would you really feel so proud of it? I bet you'd feel a little ashamed of yourself. "I can spend all this on myself but not $30 on you..."
To the rest of us...
I think the USA would be better if the churches really did what they were supposed to do but they don't. If the body of Christ really lived the way Jesus preached. Caring for the sick, poor, widowed, down on their luck kind of folks. We should be first in line to volunteer at food pantries, homeless shelters, crisis pregnancy centers, crisis hotlines, women's shelters, etc etc. Are we? Not really. There are certainly exceptions to this and I've met them but they are unfortunately, a minority. We live in the here and now. We have to deal with the reality as we know it. Yes, the ideal is the church taking care of those people, but they don't, so I'm turning to a very distant second choice rather than ignoring the problem. Whether or not you think I'm wrong I don't care. My heart is right and that I know for sure. I value democracy but not at the expense of people. So don't comment and tell me all about how the government is going to take away democracy. Protecting democracy is not my, nor should it be the church's, goal. My comfort is not my main goal either. Some of the best growth in churches across the would has happened during times of oppression. I certainly hope democracy doesn't go away but it wouldn't end Jesus' mission in our lives. In fact it would probably help us turn our focus off saving the country through politics.
I will say one thing here, I've heard many many times about how I need to do my research and how Obama is a Socialist and how he's going to take away freedom like Stalin and others but we have something in our country unlike in the past. Checks and balances! The president can not come in and change everything to his liking. We have judges and congress to counteract that. Ok, I'm done with this.

hypocritical politics

2008-09-29T13:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I joined a group on facebook called "Christians for Obama" Today I was looking at my profile and saw that someone had commented on that fact. They said they thought it was hypocritical as a Christian to vote for someone who was for abortion and homosexual rights.
Now first of all, I am not judging this person. He is an older teen in my church and 9 years ago, I was him. So I can no sooner judge him than judge myself. I understand why he believes what he does and why. However, I wholeheartedly disagree.
What I believe is hypocritical, is calling yourself a christian and then doing the exact opposite of what Jesus did while on earth. He deliberately avoided legislating morality. He was challenged all the time on questions that were highly important to the "moral" people of his day. They would be parallel in importance that Christians today give to homosexual rights and abortion. He refused to debate on that level. He always turned the conversation around to talk about what his Father thought was really important. He would talk about loving those who believed different than you, serving those less fortunate, feeding the poor, caring for the sick and so on. He said the world would know who we were by how we love not by how we vote. I am voting for Obama because he has a heart for those that Jesus spoke about, he has good ideas to help them, and they are a priority for him. McCain seems to have other priorities that I don't agree with. The war is a big one. I find it ironic (and hypocritical) that those that most vehemently oppose abortion generally approve of war. (Iraq in particular) Innocent lives are lost everyday in war. How is that different? If we call ourselves pro life we must truly be for life in all ways. Anti-abortion, anti-death penalty, and anti-war. I am pro-life. But the two issues I think can actually be changed in politics right now are not going to be changed with McCain in office. I like Obama's views on reducing abortions. I think that needs to happen before Roe V Wade is overturned. Think about it. What would happen in this country if it was overturned tomorrow. We would have the same number of pregnancies and instead of abortions we would have abandoned, drug addicted, or simply unwanted children. What kind of "life" are we giving those children? I'm not saying this makes it ok to kill them but let's focus on what we can change. Roe V Wade isn't going to get overturned tomorrow but we can love a poor, unwed mother who is struggling with a decision. We could consider adopting a child who's mother made the right decision and gave them up for adoption but no one wants them anymore because they have problems from growing up in an orphanage.
What is more Christian? Protesting outside an abortion clinic or volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center? Protesting at the gay pride parade or befriending a gay person on your block and loving them unconditionally? Which will change the heart of those we are trying to reach? Homosexuality will not go away if we outlaw homosexual unions. People will simply continue living a homosexual lifestyle (that is more turned off to God's message of love by the evangelical right's outright hatred) but they will experience heartaches of not being able to have rights to their loved ones in times of crisis like heterosexuals do. We will simply make hard time worse.
If Christians want to make a statement about the sanctity of marriage then we need to stop getting divorced at the same rate of non-Christians. What's "sacred" about that? When we start doing that, then we might have a platform to start talking about marriage being sacred.
Bottom line is, true change starts within. The only thing that can change the heart is Jesus' love. The only way to show that love is to simply love with no agenda.

closing at work

2008-09-26T00:52:00.000-05:00

Tonight was my second night at my new job and the first night I closed. I'm going to close every Thursday night. I found out tonight I will only have one more night of training and then I'll be closing on my own. That would be all well and good if I had a good trainer. I'm am a little scared if next time goes like this time. By the end of the night, the manager was just doing things herself and not showing me what she was doing. Most of the closing duties I didn't even see her do. It was very frustrating. I understand it's midnight and she wants to get out but I have to do this by myself very soon and I hate not feeling like I know what I'm doing.
However, it's not all her fault. There is no training system in place. There's no instructions (written) it's all verbal. So, if I don't remember all her instructions I have nothing to refer to. That is not good!!!!
So I'm more than a little nervous for next week...

proud of me

2008-09-22T12:20:00.000-05:00

I heard the words I used to long to hear as I was growing up, "I'm proud of you" from my dad yesterday. Growing up, I was interested in things my dad could have cared less about and personality-wise we are polar opposites. Needless to say, we weren't close. I was the rebel child where as my brother knew he wanted to be a preacher at 15 and was very easy to be proud of. I rarely, if ever, heard that he was proud of me.
I had just led a choir practice at church yesterday afternoon and as we were walking out Dad put his arm on my back and said I had done a good job and he was proud of me. He said I reminded him of himself when he had led choir. I know he's really trying and I have forgiven him for his shortcomings when I was growing up, but those words still touch that little girl in me that used to long to hear those words. It felt good to hear.

working girl

2008-09-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm officially a working girl again. Yesterday I got hired at Hy-Vee for two nights a week a 6 and a 8 hr shift. It doesn't pay much but it's more than I'm making now. (nothing) We are trying really hard to save and pay down debt. We are going through Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey again and we want to get back on track.
Years ago before CJ started his Farmers business we had been working on the debt snowball (paying off debt quickly) but once we started the business that all went down the drain. Since then, we've had to deal with some pretty messy finances and the expense of our new baby. Since we moved here I've not been working because my job that was lined up didn't work out. We've been able to pay our bills (most months)but that's it. However, having one of us home with Dani all the time is a very high priority in our book so we've made due. Well, we have been able to work it out with HyVee that I'm going to go in at 4 and CJ is getting off at 4 so I'll be able to hand Dani off to CJ in the parking lot.
In the words of Dave...we're getting "gazelle intense!!!"

my limit

2008-09-19T09:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a bad day! In fact this whole week has been awful. The thing that I admire most about CJ's work ethic (how he will do what needs to be done and work hard until it's finished) has caused me to be alone with a sick, cranky baby most of the week. He has a big project at work that will be finished this weekend. I knew this week was coming for awhile but I did not know that Dani would be cranky and clingy the whole time.
Yesterday, CJ was supposed to be off at 1 and didn't get off until 5. During the day, I never got a break from Dani. The first nap she took, I ended up falling asleep so I never got the chance to just relax, recoup, and get ready for the next go 'round. The second nap she took as soon as she was down I went to town to get my hair cut and she was awake before I got back. I know that doesn't sound like much to you guys that are reading this, but before you write me off as dramatic let me tell you something. I NEED those times. If I don't get a chance to relax during naps, I am not nearly as good a mom as I need to be, especially to a sick child. Having someone demand your attention every minute they are awake is the most draining thing I've ever experienced. I can handle it if I get a break. If not, I will hit a wall very quickly. Well, I hit one last night. Luckily, we were able to find someone to watch Dani for us, so CJ and I went to dinner and walked around the mall a bit. It wasn't as much as I wanted but it was enough to hopefully get me through the rest of the week until CJ can be home more regularly, and hopefully, Dani will start feeling better.
If I can handle next week ok, with CJ being home in the evenings and Dani (hopefully) feeling better than I will get the recoup I need next weekend. My mother-in-law left a message with CJ saying they can take Dani next weekend on Saturday and Sunday!!
I love my daughter so much it hurts sometimes but I am not one of those moms who wants to be with her kids 24/7. I need a break. A time to replenish myself so I can be the best mom I can be. I used to feel guilty about that, but I have quit worrying about it. I am who I am and that's ok. If other moms can do it, that's great but I refuse to think I am any less of a great mom than them anymore! (Sometimes I wish this my type of personality was portrayed more in parenting magazines and other types of media more often. Surely, I'm not the only one with this personality)

friendships

2008-09-17T15:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if our social lives will ever be the same. For CJ especially. If there is one thing I regret about our move, it's CJ's lack of friends here. CJ is an extrovert even though he's not really outgoing. Meaning, he gets energy and feels better if he spends time with people. Me, I'm an introvert and do just fine without being around people all the time although I am social and need regular interaction. CJ's best friend Daniel had moved from KC by the time we left but he still had several other close friendships that gave him an outlet outside the home that he needs. He doesn't have that here and it makes me sad. Also, we don't have the close "couple" friends that we had there. We had several couples that we would have over late to play cards, watch movies or just hang out. Most of these couples were close enough that we spent most Thanksgivings and other holidays together.
I miss my close friends Ashley and Rebecca. Both held special places in my life. Ashley was more the "classic" best friend, if there is such a thing. We could talk about anything and did. He knew each other since we were little kids and that history just seemed to make us closer. I am not going to go on and on cuz I don't want to cry so I'll move on. Rebecca was such a different person but in such a remarkable way. She looked at the world from such a point of view that I never did and she helped me when I really needed it. We didn't spend as much time together as Ashley and me but there was something incredibly special about our friendship that I know I'll never find again.
CJ and I both don't make friends easy so this has not been easy. I just hope God has something/someone for us both.

my dream

2008-09-16T06:55:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a dream when you were half awake and half asleep? I did yesterday. But because I was half awake, my body was aware and my senses thought I was totally awake. So my brain dreamed something and my senses thought it was actually happening. Not a great start. What I remember is... CJ was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat. Our friend Ben was in the back and Dani was in the car seat. We were going somewhere and all of a sudden came across a flooded road. It was a familiar road to us and I knew there were deep dips in the road coming up where the water covered it. We were in a hurry and now we were going to have to turn around. All of a sudden I feel CJ gun it and I heard myself scream "CJ! No!" (I wonder if I actually said it in my sleep. I've done that before and I felt like I actually said it when I woke up) I squeezed my eyes shut and the next few events I felt rather than saw... We hit the water and I immediately felt the resistance. Then the water went deep and our wheels were no longer on the pavement. Then I felt the van's front come up and we flipped over so the wheels were on top. I felt myself reach over to open the window, wondering if that was the right thing to do and then realized I couldn't let the car flood until I had Dani out of her car seat! I was in a huge panic when I opened my eyes and realized it was a dream. But it felt so real! All that adrenaline was coursing through my veins and my heart was beating fast. I hate those kind of experiences! Don't you?

9/11

2008-09-11T09:35:00.001-05:00

We can all remember where we were 7 years ago today. I can see it like it was yesterday. I will watch coverage today and remember like everyone else in this country.
However, I don't want to mourn, I want to celebrate today! This is the 10 year anniversary of CJ and I finally getting together for the final time. We'd been off and on for 2 years prior but on Sept 11, 1998, he kissed me and I knew this was it, for real.
What was different this time? We had spent the prior 6 months becoming best friends. I was actually seriously dating someone else and I wasn't going to cheat and had no desire to do so. I never thought CJ and I would be more than friends again. However, my relationship fell apart but my friendship with CJ remained strong.
CJ was over watching a movie with me that night (Sept 11) and for some reason he kissed me in the middle of it. It was magical. I felt so connected to him, like I'd never felt connected before. It was right and I knew it. Over the next month we waited. We didn't want to rush anything but by October, we knew this was it! We've never looked back and I've never regretted it. I fell in love with my best friend and there's nothing that compares to that.

Fall

2008-09-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhh, cool weather, turning leaves, pumpkin patches, hay rides, Halloween. I love fall! I'm already finding myself watching the trees as a drive through the countryside to see if they're turning yet. I know they turn earlier here than they did in KC but I can't remember how much earlier so I'm not taking any chances. At the Rodeo Parade last Saturday, I got handed a flier talking about a Pumpkin patch. I've actually been wondering where one is around here cuz I can't wait to take Dani soon. I took Dani last year but she was just too small to appreciate it. This year she'll be able to walk around and maybe even point to a pumpkin, which we will interpret as her pick. :)
Yeah, I know winter is coming but I just try not to think about that. Fall seems to be here a bit early and I'm going to revel in it while I can.

moments

2008-09-08T14:27:00.000-05:00

I have a sign on my wall that says "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away". I know it's a little cheesy but today it feels true.
Dani can be really tough sometimes now that she's more independent. She is so independent that she fights me all day, every day, every week. It's rare to find a time that she isn't trying to do something herself or frustrated by those things she can't. I know independence can be a good trait to use later in life but for a toddler who is still learning boundaries, it's wearing on the mother.
But God seems to know when I need a "breath-taking" moment. I knew Dani was completely out so I peeked in on her during her nap just a minute ago. I love to see her sleeping cuz she always ends up in a different position and each one is adorable. Usually it's on her side or stomach but today she was facing the door, completely sprawled out on her back. Bear was right by her face and her arm was behind her head. There is no way I'm going to be able to describe to you how love seems to course through my being when I see her sleeping. But it's so strong it always, without fail, makes me cry. It's enough to keep me strong when I should be completely worn out.
Thank you God for the moments that keep me going when the going is tough.

this weekend

2008-09-08T07:54:00.000-05:00

Wow. What a busy, yet fun, weekend! I've really been confirmed of why we moved here over the last couple days.
We went to the Rodeo parade on Saturday. We met my mother-in-law and my parents both came. We also had some friends there as well. Dani had a good time seeing all of them. She loves being the center of attention! She actually didn't like the parade like I thought she would. I think it was just too overwhelming to her. But, she had plenty of people there to comfort her and distract her.
Yesterday was Grandparents Day. We had my in-laws up for lunch after church and Dani had a ball. She loves when they come to see us. (her) They are great grandparents and simply dote on her. They stayed for a good 4 hours and Dani didn't want them to leave. But as soon as they left we took her to see her other set of grandparents. That certainly wouldn't have happened in KC! There are a lot of things I've missed since we've moved but Dani has gained so much being near her grandparents. No one but CJ and I love her as much as these dear people.

Dani and poop

2008-09-02T13:06:00.000-05:00

OMG! The most disgusting thing just happened today! I had Dani in time-out in her pack-and-play which happens to be right next to her diaper pail. The pail was full and a diaper must have been sitting on top. Long story short, I got up to get her out and found her sitting with a poopy diaper in her lap. It was everywhere! She'd smashed it in her hands it was on her face and in her hair. It was so nasty. I gasped her name pretty loudly and scared her. So the whole time I'm trying to clean her up she's crying and once tried to put her hand in her mouth. I grabbed it and scared her again so she cried even more. The smell was so gross I about threw up. Of course I gave her a bath right away but I still had to clean up the pack and play which was, of course, covered in poop too. Oh my word, I hope this is the last incident with poop ever, ever, ever!!!!

Rebellion

2008-09-02T09:01:00.000-05:00

Does anybody else believe there is good rebellion? I personally think the world would be much better off if more people rebelled. There are a lot of things in this world that aren't working but also aren't being changed. The political system, social security, credit cards, and a lot of things in churches. Why does it take planting a new church for a church to be a comfortable place for new comers? Why can't pastors and lay people learn new ways of doing things in order to reach the lost? Isn't that the main goal of a church? Paul said he would do whatever it took to reach the lost or be whoever he needed to be to reach those different from him. I'm sure people he was writing to didn't just skim over those words like we do. That was scandalous! Especially to Jews, the elitists! They were God's chosen people and compromise of Jewish "integrity" was not taken lightly! For those who weren't Jewish, those words would have shown a whole new side of Paul. Someone who did things differently. Someone who cared enough to meet them where they were. Someone who could relate to them in a way they felt comfortable. Someone who didn't care about "tradition" and making the "elite" comfortable. He knew his calling and did whatever it took to show them Jesus' love.
That is what we are supposed to be like! Not all of us are going to become traveling evangelists or great writers or martyrs. But we all need to learn where people are, what they believe, what they struggle with and meet them as they are.
Why do we insist on the same ol', same ol'? Same church services, same dress code...let me stop right there. I hear the argument a lot that dressing up for church shows God we care and revere him when we come to church. Who taught us that lie? God has never cared about our outward appearance! The greatest preacher ever (besides Jesus) wore skins for clothes. John the baptist dressed down even by his own cultures standards. Some of the best dressed people in church are the least caring people I know. They do not imitate Jesus anymore than the one dressed in jeans and a t-shirt because of what they wear. Why do we think the verse that says God doesn't look at the outward appearances but he cares about our heart doesn't apply to church? Since when does a skirt (or suit and/or tie) say how much we love Jesus?
Anyway, sorry about my little tangent there. We are to meet people where they are. How can we do that if we aren't in touch with what they watch, where they go, what they believe, or how they feel about things in their world? Yet the church tells us to avoid places "sinners" go, abhor non-christian music and television, (by the way, "christian" tv is my least favorite ever!) and a 1,2,3, formula for "saving" someone is the only way taught to us of how the lead someone into a relationship with Jesus. Maybe we should rebel against the "traditions" that are only in place for the church goers and start a new ones that will attract unchurched families. It's not about us Church! It's about them! Now we need to act like it.

Fantasy Football

2008-09-02T08:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we had some friends out for grilling and football. Does it get any more "Labor Day" than that? After stuffing ourselves with brats and hot dogs we turned on the football and started our own Fantasy Football League. We got to draft 20 players. We also got to learn how absolutely clueless I am. I like football. I follow my teams somewhat and I love going to live games. The atmosphere at a football game is better than any sport! However, I know like, 3 players total and I got last pick so I only got 1 player that I was familiar with. Towards the end I just started asking CJ to tell me who to pick. He was a good sport and did it. I just hope he didn't screw me. :) So we'll see how my team does this fall. With my beginners luck I'll probably blow everyone away! Go Rachel!!!

Grace Wholesaler

2008-08-29T08:24:00.000-05:00

Phineas Bresee, the man who founded our denomination, was called a grace wholesaler. How many people would say that about members of our denomination now? Yes, we are called unto holiness but holiness means to be like Christ. That does not just mean "to be without sin" The Bible already makes it clear Jesus was the only one "without sin". Jesus doesn't focus on us not sinning, his focus was on us loving God and loving each other. What does loving each other require? Grace! We are imperfect people and we need to give each other grace in our shortcomings. Also, we need to remember in our quest for "holiness" that God has more grace than we can ever use up. Now before you write me off as an abuser of grace, listen for a sec. God wants to be in relationship with us. That is his main goal. He loves us and knows that is what is going to fulfill us. However, when we are willfully living outside his will, our relationship is strained, and it's all our fault. God is not waiting with his bully club, or even a sigh of disappointment. He is simply yearning for the day we see the errors of our ways and come back in relationship with him. He doesn't hold his expectations over our heads and shake his head when we fail, but he does live in expectation of a relationship that is deep and real and rejoices when that relationship is going strong.
So I am in no way advocating sinning with the attitude that "God will forgive me later" but I am completely advocating an attitude that forbids me from beating myself up for sinning. God is not doing so, so why should I? God uses our guilty conscience to convict us many times but feeling guilty is not the same thing as shame. Grace is from God, shame is a devil's lie. Shame says, "Hang your head, you've blown it and God is ashamed of you. You only get so many chances and you may have blown the last one. If it's not the last one, you're at least wearing the ice thinner and thinner, you better be careful that God doesn't get sick of your messing up." (etc etc) How do I know that's what shame says? Because I used to live with shame. Alot! One of the downfalls of growing up in a "holiness" denomination is a child can easily misunderstand and think if they don't meet the standard of "no sin" than they are not doing something right. Grace has to be emphasized just as much as holiness or it gets lopsided very easily. Is it any wonder our teens learn early to put on a facade of "holinesss"? I learned early, I knew all the right answers, the right way to dress and the right way to live (outwardly). I probably look more rebellious now than I did then but I am closer to God now more than ever no matter how I look on the outside. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be anyway? Doesn't God look at the heart?
I could go on and on all day and probably should because I don't think I explained it as well as I should, but I'm not going to.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...

Tad's Birthday

2008-08-28T19:59:00.000-05:00

Today would have been my cousin Tad's birthday. A year ago this month, he committed suicide. My mom is meeting with his mom (her sister) today halfway between KC (where my aunt lives) and here. I was talking to my mom about it a couple days ago and I ended up crying. I can not imagine losing Dani. The thought of it takes my breath away. In the midst of the conversation about Tad we were also talking about Steven Curtis Chapman and his family losing his youngest in a car accident. It would be devastating to lose my parents, sibling or especially CJ but I don't know if I could even handle Dani being injured much less killed. "Lord please protect my little girl"

my weekend

2008-08-24T20:48:00.001-05:00

The last time I blogged I was feeling rather sick. Well, that lasted far too long but I finally got over it on Friday. So what do I do Saturday? Rest, take it easy??? No way Jose. We decided to go to Coralville and Cedar Rapids and do some shopping. My mom came with us. She ended up buying more than us! It was a long day.
When we finally got to the Coralville mall. We took Dani straight to the kids play area to let her run off some steam after sitting in the car for 1 1/2 hours. She did really well. It was really busy and I ended up wanting to slug some bigger kids who would run right over her and not even stop. I felt like grabbing their arms and dragging them back to make them apologize and help her up. I didn't though. I thought some other mothers might beat me up. :) I think we actually stayed at the playground a little too long cuz Dani was tired by the time we left. We shopped a little at the mall but the main reason we went there was because we have to have our wedding/engagement rings inspected and cleaned every six months to keep up our warranty with Zales. Coralville mall is the closest Zales there is. After the mall we went to Chilli's for lunch. Dani ate so much! I fed her baby food before the meal came cuz she hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was almost 2. Then when we were eating chips and salsa, I gave her Cheerios because when we eat, she cries if we don't feed her too. Then, when the meal came she wanted our food. So we gave her some cheese and chicken and a little bit of steak from my fajita meal. Mom gave her two bites of guachamole too. She loved it!! I couldn't believe how much she ate! More about this later.
Then after lunch, we drove 20 minutes north to Cedar Rapids to go to Sams Club. I had a list and wanted to get in and out in a jiffy. However, Mom and CJ had other ideas. They went down every isle, tried every sample and generally (as my dad likes to say) dilly dallied around. So it was 5:15 before we left Sams!
On the way home, poor Dani had a complete meltdown. She was sick of being in the car but I could tell it was more than that. I think her stomach completely protested all the food and the spiciness of it. The poor thing was completely inconsolable. Even today she's had a horrible time. We finally found some old Mylicon drops from when she was a little baby. They seemed to finally help. (she's also done a lot of farting and burping) I have learned my lesson!
CJ usually works every single Saturday night and I usually have to be at church early every Sunday morning. He actually had that Sat off and this Sun was my one week off in August so we decided to take advantage of all this and have my mom keep Dani overnight. Even though our date didn't get to start until 8, we went out. We went miniature golfing which we haven't done in ages and love to do. I got 3 hole-in-ones! CJ was so jealous! (and I was shocked) Then we went for ice cream instead of dinner cuz we were still full from lunch. It was nice. Plus it was really a rare treat for us both to sleep in and then get ready in 45 minutes. We haven't been able to do that for 14 1/2 months!
This afternoon was nice. We came home from church and I just made chicken salad for lunch and Dani went right down for a nap. We just laid around and watched tv and relaxed. We pretty much did that all afternoon and evening. We did have to deal with a cranky baby when she woke up about 3:30 but we discovered the Mylicon drops and she calmed down.
This week promises to be pretty good. CJ has both Tuesday and Thursday off. I love having him home during the week. So does Dani. Our days are good with just us girls but he makes it great. I know that sounds really cheesy but it's true.

sickness

2008-08-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

I am so freakin' sick of being sick or other people in my family being sick! Last night CJ didn't feel good and today I feel like I'm about to collapse into a heap. I feel so weak, my stomach is cramping and upset, my head is spinning with a monster headache and I think I'm running a fever. Thank God he gave a me a reprieve today. I put Dani down about noon for her second nap and she was asleep by 12:30. I was up for about an hour during which I finally ate! I rarely get breakfast with her. As soon as I ate I started to feel really sick and my headache came on so fast, it literally left my head spinning. By 1:30 I couldn't even sit up anymore. The problem with this is Dani is usually up after about 1 1/2 hour. I dragged myself into bed all the while praying that Dani would stay asleep for another hour just to give me some rest. I woke up after about an hour and she was still out! At 3, I called CJ at work and found out he was planning to stay late so I begged him to come home, praying Dani would stay asleep till he got home. He got home by 3:30 and she woke up at 3:37. Over 3 hours!!!! That's insane for her! She never does that! I think God just knew I couldn't handle it by myself.
I hope I feel better tomorrow or it could be a very, very long day

thankful

2008-08-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was just sitting here. Thinking about my life since we've moved back to Iowa and I was just overwhelmed with appreciation and love for my husband CJ. So I'm going to brag on him a bit.
He is my hero. He says what he feels, loves those close to him and has complete trust in me. I can be completely open and honest with him and he doesn't judge me or use the info against me ever. In so many ways he's my perfect match. I've realized it more and more since we've moved back here. We've had to depend on each other more since we've left most of our friends and it's been a good thing. We both needed friendship in the worst way over the last few years and God provided them, however, since Dani was born, friendships have changed and taken on a different role in our lives. We are much more focused on our family now.
CJ has gone back to Hy-Vee here in IA and he doesn't have a ton of free time, but he has prioritized really well. He puts his family first and knows how to set limits so we, his girls, don't get jipped of the time we need. He is an incredible father to our little girl! I couldn't ask for a more adoring daddy for her. Her face completely lights up when he gets home for work! She loves him so much and he has earned that love!
As for me and him. I said earlier he is my perfect match... let me clarify that a bit. Our relationship is not perfect. We fight and get incredibly frustrated with each other. We both are yellers and sometimes our fights get loud. However, he is my opposite in all the right ways. He balances me when I need it and reminds me that my way isn't necessarily the right/only way. In fact, most of our similarities are where we get in trouble. We actually wish sometimes we were the opposite of each other in more ways than we already are!
When it boils down to it; he is an amazing man! I am lucky to have married him and I wouldn't have my life with anyone else.

contentment vs. complacency

2008-08-14T21:57:00.000-05:00

When does contentment become complacency? I try to be content with what we have even though we barely are making it and some months we don't. I have pursued any jobs that would possibly work with CJ's schedule but nothing has panned out. So I am trusting God to provide money as we need it and he'll bring along the right job when he wants to. (Granted I have to keep my eyes open and pursue it when it comes.) It's just, so far, any job I've pursued, the door has shut in my face. So, I try to be content with what we have and make the budget work even if we cut out a lot. We are not able to make progress on debt like we want to but it's just not possible right now. We barely pay essentials! I want to pay down debt when I finally get a job but until then I am just going to be happy with paying the bills. Is that contentment or complacency?

doctor visits

2008-08-14T21:50:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should rent my own room at the hospital lately. I've been taking Dani to the doctor so much recently. Then, today, I had to go myself. I got this really sore raised bump on the left, top side of my left foot. Plus, my ankle is a little swollen. I noticed it last night and overnight it got much worse. Not so much more swollen but much more sore. So I called about a million doctors offices and finally found one that was accepting new patients AND had an opening for today. (CJ was off and I didn't want to try to limp around taking care of Dani in yet another Dr office) Long story short, I have "tendinitis" in my foot. The tendon that flexes and pulls the foot inward is inflamed and very sore. I have no idea how it got inflamed but here I am in a very hot, uncomfortable boot in the middle of summer. Hopefully, it will get better soon.

sick baby

2008-08-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

Having a sick baby is so hard! Dani is so sick again! I took her to the doctor today and he said her infection is clearing up but she's got the flu now. So she's running another high fever, she threw up 3 times last night until she was just dry heaving and she's had diarrhea for 3 days now. I thought the diarrhea was just from the antibiotic. Nope, now I know. I really think I've been fighting this same bug for awhile now so I'm really really struggling with exhaustion. Like, right now, I soooo want to go take a nap while she is sleeping. But I know, if I do, I'll never sleep tonight. Happens every time! I just hope the flu goes away quickly and with the infection clearing up, I want her to feel better!

Good news

2008-08-12T07:54:00.000-05:00

My good news today is two fold. One Dani is doing better. She's definitely not herself yet but she's feeling much better than she was Saturday. Also, I've lost 8 lbs so far!
To be honest it doesn't feel too real. I haven't done as much change as I want/need to yet. I haven't gotten into a exercise routine. I can count on one hand how many time's I've exercised. And although I have been eating better, I've not been nearly as good as I want/need to be. Really, I think the biggest change is simply I haven't been eating out nearly as much. Mostly that's been for money reasons but it's been obviously helping the diet too. hmmmmm, that's a nice discovery. Although, I've hated cooking so much. Me and the kitchen are not friends! :)

complexity of God

2008-08-10T15:22:00.000-05:00

I was impressed yet again of how God deals with us each individually. We all worship in different ways, he speaks to us in different ways and we all grow in relationship with him in completely different ways. Why do we think there is only one good way to worship, pray and grow? Ever notice how people can be soooo completely different from others? Even in the same church, SS class, or even family. God made us all in his image. He is so complex he needed/wanted to make us all individuals. He is so many things and he can relate to us intimately because he has those same personality traits.
Today he showed me again how he speaks to me in music. I used to think this was bad because a lot of preachers or leaders would write off the emotional "meeting" I had with God during worship as just emotions and they would never bring real change. I beg to differ. I am never closer to God as when I am singing and this doesn't even have to worship songs, or even Christian music for that matter. I believe the most beautiful way he relates to me is through music. That is a small part of his personallity and he made is a big part of mine. I find comfort, awe, desire, and love for him in music and it doesn't leave me once the song is over! It's not (just) an emotional "high" for me. It's real communication and relationship with my Creator.

worst day ever

2008-08-09T19:50:00.000-05:00

This day may go down in history as one of my worst days as a mother. Last night, Dani woke up with a 103.1 fever and woke up about 4 times total through out the night. She was a wreck, therefore so was I. I got no sleep cuz I got up with her everytime since CJ had to work today and when I finally got back in bed, I had the hardest time going back to sleep. And not only did she get up 4 times last night she cried out in her sleep a ton. So once I got to sleep I would get woke up by her crying! That's not even the worst part.
Today I took her to the doctor. The only time they could get me in was right at the start of her naptime but I took it. The doctor got called to the hospital for a delivery so all the appts were delayed. So poor Dani, sick and hungry (I didnt' have enough food) and tired, waited and waited. The doctor finally saw us and after examining her decided we needed some tests done. We tested her for an UTI. Which, a catheter and a 14 month old combined, is about as bad as it gets. Then they had to do a whole blood workup. The nurses were great but they couldnt' get the vein cuz Dani was so tense. She was crying so hard I about lost it. Luckily it was a good nurse and she didn't take the needle out, she just tried moving it around so she wouldn't have to stick Dani again. Finally, finally, she got the blood they needed. Then we had to wait for an hour while the lab processed it. Dani was so miserable and so was I. Finally, we get the results back and they arent' good, but they also don't tell us much. She has an infection "somewhere" her white blood cell counts are elevated and CRP (it stands for something something protein) numbers were high. So they've started her on an anti-biotic and if she's not better by Monday I have to take her in again. No matter how she's feeling, I have to take her in again Wednesday to have the CRP levels checked again. More blood tests, yeah!
While we were waiting for the results, Dani finally crashed and was trying to sleep on me which she hasnt' done since she was 6 months old. But everytime a door slammed or a child cried she would startle and would have to be calmed down. Talk about draining. I sang to her almost the whole hour we waited. It was the only thing that kept her calm. For about a 15 minute interval I really started to panic. I started thinking about the fact that many many parents receive bad news everyday. Their child has cancer or some other serious illness. I started crying and really had to pull it together cuz I couldn't sing and it upset Dani. I am still scared and if I let myself think about it I start crying all over again. I know God can heal Dani if it turns out to be my worst nightmare but I also know sometimes he doesn't heal like we want. I know that and am at peace with that for the most part but it's never been my baby.
If this antibiotic doesn't work, I'm really scared we could be faced with a serious situation next week. I'm really trying to trust God and accept what comes. I'm also trying to not get worked up cuz it could be nothing but a sinus infection that will immediately clear up. Let's hope it is. Hopefully this will continue to reign as my worst day as a mother for a long long time.

parented again

2008-08-08T08:19:00.000-05:00

I am so grateful that my parents are generous, giving people. But sometimes it is hard when I feel "parented" by them again. I was one of those teenagers that didn't want told what to do anyway, so to have it still done as an adult is really, really tough to take.
My parents have been incredibly generous since we've moved back. They've helped us a lot, even financially some. So my main struggle is I feel I can't talk to them about their comments because in a way they are "parenting" me again. Ya know, as a teen I never completely understood why their comments galled me so much and as an adult I haven't had to deal with comments so it wasn't an issue. It's a little disheartening to see me react in the same way to comments that are meant to help or guide. But my strong willed, rebellious spirit rears it ugly head every single time. I have to bite my tongue every time they say something. Is it me that's wrong to react that way or should they stop "parenting" me even as they help us occasionally.

as a mother

2008-08-06T09:10:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes as a mother. Right now I am sitting here trying to ignore my daughter as she is screaming at the top of her lungs in her crib. I made the mistake of going in and picking up her bear off the floor because she was having a terrible time going to sleep. She would nod off but then cry out because he wasn't with her. So I thought... "If I can just get in there and hand him to her she'll probably go right out" Um, no! She's been screaming ever since because I didn't get her out.
I make decisions everyday for Dani and CJ usually leaves most of them to me since I'm with her everyday, all day. Should we switch to milk now? How much mixed with formula? How fast do we replace the formula until it's all milk. What will she wear today? Does she need a bath today? Does she have an ear infection or is it just teething? Should we take her to the doctor or just wait another day? Is she ready for a nap? Why is she crying in her crib? Should go in or should we wait a bit and see if she goes to sleep? Why is she rejecting the food I'm giving her while signing she's wanting to eat? What should I feed her instead? Is she getting the right nutrition? Can she eat this size of bite or is it too big? and on and on and on. I seem to always the the decision maker whenever there is a question concerning Dani. I know, I know, I am with her all day and therefore probably know the answer better than anyone else but sometimes I get tired of always being responsible for someone else's well being. Why? Because usually I don't know more than anyone else! I'm just guessing too and if I make the wrong decision then everyone has to live with the consequences, including the innocent victim here, Dani. I know now why parents always feel guilty if their kids don't turn out "right". Because everyday the parents have probably felt like they've made wrong decisions and now those kids are "proving" them right.
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and husband!! I love them so much some days it hurts. But when I hear women gush about how they love being a mom and it is the best thing they've ever done and how they wouldn't change it for the world, I wonder if I'm the only one who feels completely inadequate and tired out by it all. Caring for a husband and child everyday of your life is hard! I know that CJ is not another child to care for and he doesn't make me to feel that way (most of the time) but he needs love and care just like I do. The difference is he hasn't been already doing that all day when he gets home. I know, I know, he's been working all day but that's usually a physical tiredness. What I'm talking about is a emotional exhaustion. Like, you have nothing more to give, you're just waiting for Saturday so maybe Mom can take Dani for a couple hours and then you find out she can't so you get no break and you have no idea when you're going to be able rejuvinate but you continue to love your family like they need. So you run on empty for days, just doing the best you can. Then you make stupid decisions like going in a picking up the darn bear. Let me tell ya, listening to your daughter cry for you is the most draining thing ever. But when you're rung dry, what's left anyway?

My weight

2008-08-05T14:29:00.001-05:00

I am not going to post my weight on my very public blog but I am going to talk about it. I need to lose weight. I have for a long time. I have never been able to and now my parents have offered some incentives to help me and give me an extra boost of motivation during tough times.
I have a hard time not being bitter sometimes about my weight. I was "tested" for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 15. Back then, all they did was do an ultrasound to check and see if your ovaries we covered in cysts. Mine weren't so they said I didn't have it. They also tested me for thyroid problems. When my thyroid test came back it was fine but my insulin levels were high. Right then and there I should have been tested for insulin resistance, a condition that causes weight loss and PCOS, and a whole host of problems.
Needless to say I gained weight over the next 9 years like it was nobodies business. Finally, after being on my millionth diet and gaining 5 pounds I decided I needed to go to the doctor. Gasp, I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. This also explained the hell CJ and I had been going through trying to have a baby and coming up empty for years. I found out from this doctor how insulin resistance causes your body to store fat and never burn it. Thus the body has no energy but tons of fat layers. If I had been diagnosed back when I was 15, I would be at least 100 lbs lighter and probably have more children.
However, I have to deal with the here and now. I am what weight I am and I have to go from here. I'm setting a goal to lose 50 lbs over the next year. That's about 1 lb a week which is what Drs. tend to recommend. I hope that having accountablity and the incentives my parents are offering will help me do what I've never been able to do... Get to a healthy weight.

Sunday School Class

2008-08-05T13:52:00.000-05:00

Our new Sunday School class just started Sunday. We only had one family show but I think next week there will probably be at least three more. I had two families that had signed up and just forgot it started this week and another woman talked to me about trying it out. I think it's going to be a good group to start with. Definitely a variety.

I soooo want this group to be different than just your typical SS class. I want us to be tight so we can help each other through some crap we are or will be going through. Then, through our closeness, I want us to reach out to others in our community. I really hope service projects, charity work, etc will be a regular activity for us. The first one I've thought of is to find some elderly shut ins or almost shut-ins and do yard work this fall when all the leaves are falling and lawns typically need a lot of work.

Inside the church I see us being leaders too. There is a lot of talk in our church, (as in most churches) about what's wrong, what needs to change and how we aren't as effective as we should be. I envision our class as those that will start doing things that need done to make our church what it can be. I'm hoping if we, as a group, get passionate about reaching out to our community in effective and new ways that it will catch on in the church. I see alot of potential but a lot of apathy in our church and I think we just need to be reminded to be like Jesus. Not to have Jesus feed me, revive my spirits, serve my needs. But to feed others, revive others' spirits, serve others' needs.
This area of Iowa has a lot of low income families. We have a lot of opportunities to serve them. But we can't expect them to come to us. We have to go to them and meet them where there at.

One very important dream I have it a ministry call "Angel Food Ministries" It was everywhere in KC where we moved from. Here? The closest one is in IL about 2 hrs away. Angel Food is a program where anyone can order a box of food valued at about $60-$70 for $30. That's a big deal for people struggling to make ends meet. There's no income requirement, no limit to # of boxes. This could be a great way to serve the people in our community with no strings attached. Plus, as an added bonus, for every box the church sells, the ministry donates $1 to the church's benevolence fund. (the fund the churches uses to help those in need) So we'd have a bigger fund to help more people.

I have a lot of ideas that I hope to start with this group. I know we won't be able (or willing for that matter) to do it all by ourselves. But maybe, just maybe, we can show the church what we believe Jesus would have us doing and they'll want to join in.

why?

2008-08-05T12:52:00.000-05:00

Why am I doing this? I got the idea from my brother. His blog is how my family keeps up with him. I really don't need my blog for that reason as much as him but I like the idea of being able to "diary" things I'm learning and doing. A lot is changing in my life. My little girl, Dani, changes everyday. I'm learning so much in my walk with Christ. I'm getting involved in a new church and participating/leading some new things that are happening there. To top it all off, my parents have challenged me to lose weight before a cruise in less than two years. I have struggled with weight my whole life and am still struggling with it! Maybe if I write down my feelings and/or struggles I'll see more clearly why I have struggled so much.
So this blog will hopefully be my outlet for struggles, a diary of sorts and a source of communication with my friends and family. Enjoy!