7 months later

7 months later...

I am finally getting back to those other changes I promised 7 months ago lol.  Actually I don't really remember what other changes I was going to write about back then so I'll talk about the changes that are more recent. 

After all the stress mentioned last post, leaving church, my grandmother dying, and losing my job, I was a mess for several months.  I had to start working 3 nights a week and still am doing that actually.  But with all the stress I put on 10 lbs without even thinking about it.  In Febuary I decided this had to stop.  I was just starting to diet when I got a call from the Burlington YMCA.  They were offering a free 2 week trial.  My good friend Ashley had just moved back to the area (love it!!!) and we went together.  I ended up taking a discounted rate for 15 months instead of a free 2 weeks and I've been going ever since.  I also went to my doctor and she's been great.  The best thing she did for me was turn me on the an app called "myfitnesspal".  I've been tracking all my food and it really helped me change my eating habits.  I've been working out 4-5 days a week and have lost a grand total of...

52 pounds

I still have a long way to go but I feel great.  I've not been this weight since I was 19 maybe 20 years old.  I'm 3 lbs from the weight I was when I got married and 8 lbs from when I left my freshman year of college.  I still need to lose 73 lbs to hit my ideal/healthy weight but I'm on my way.  I have a goal of being 8 lbs less when we leave for vacation in 2 weeks but my average weekly weight loss has not been quite that much lately so we'll see.  I still feel really good about what I've done so far.  The next goal I have after vacation is running a 5k in October.  It's the 12:1 run hosted by Harmony Bible Church which is where we are attending now.  I feel it combines two passions of mine, providing clean water in the world and fitness goals.  It's rare those kind of passions come together so I am thrilled.  I have only run 1 mile recently and I am not training as hard as I should but I'm slowly working on it.  I have figured out to walk to the highway before I start running and I do better.  Running on gravel sucks because I constantly lose my rhythmn when the rocks move under my feet. 

So this blog will probably include a lot my fitness stuff since that seems to be what my life revolves around right now.  But I'm ok with that.  I finally am being a good role model for my daughter and that's extremely important to me.  That is a lot of what finally clicked for me.  I don't want her to struggle with her weight like I did.  I DO NOT want that for her.  Bullies are so cruel and it's only gotten worse since I was in school.  I admit I fear what bullies could do to her if she is a heavy child.  I don't like parenting out of fear but it's something I deal with...

Other things going on right now...  Dani starts kindergarten in the fall.  I.CAN.NOT.BELIEVE.IT!!!!!  She's my one and only.  I'll never have a baby, toddler, or preschooler again.  I am ok with it but I know I will miss her cuddles and dependance (somewhat) on me. I love watching her grow and change but I know I'll never experience that stage again so it's bittersweet. 
She turned 5 on June 15.  We had a Princess Tea Party that went over pretty well.  The kids didn't quite buy into the concept but still had a lot of fun. 

Church is going well.  It's an adjustment going to a new church and one that's so big.  We are slowly finding friends and our place.  Dani still asks about her old class but that doesn't surprise me.  She forgets nobody.  She asks about people that she met once 2 years ago.  Even though she asks about her old friends, she does enjoy her new class.  She loved the AWANA class she took last year so she's excited for that to start again in the fall.  We have a class we joined shortly after we started attending.  It's called Global Life and is all about a the global mindset the gospel demands.  We love the concept but have struggled to make relationships outside of the classroom.  I think a lot of it is simply time.  We came to Burlington First already knowing so many people that we just melted into old relationships.  We've never had to go to a completely new place and start from scratch.  We do know however, that we are in the right place so we trust relationships will come with time.  I have a few ladies that I've gotten to know a little bit and I see some great potential in those friendships.  However, in January my good friend Ashley moved back from FL so I've had my need for a friend pretty much met.  I know I need to still cultivate other relationships but it certainly slowed my efforts to reach out to other women. 

As I mentioned earlier I lost my job at our old church when we left and had to start working at the gas station 3 nights a week.  It's worked out that our schedules have worked (for the most part) so we don't have to pay childcare but it's been hard on CJ and I because 3 days a week we literally don't see each other for more than 2-3 minutes.  CJ will leave by 5:45am for work and gets off at 4.  I clock in at the gas station at 4 so I take Dani and he picks her up from me and takes care of her that evening.  I get off at 11(ish) and he's asleep when I get home.   It's definatly not ideal but it's what God has provided.  I even recently got a promotion to a part-time night manager.  It has helped a bit with money but not much.  I'm seeking out more responsiblities so I can negociate a bigger raise soon.  CJ and I really miss each other through out the week but so far this is the job that God has provided even when we've prayed for something else.  We just try to utilize the time we have and enjoy each others company when we're together. 

CJ and I are REALLY looking forward to our vacation that's coming up in 2 weeks.  We can't afford much but we are going to see our good friends Daniel and Laura Meadow in Erin, TN.  We LOVE those two and really miss them!  We really have no plans but to hang out and enjoy catching up.  Laura recently had a baby so this will work for them too. :)  A huge bonus to the vacation is that CJ and I will be together the whole week.  We've tried to not let our jobs mess up our marrige and for the most part we've succeeded but we could definetely use the time together to reconnect.  Especially after the next couple weeks.  I'm having to work 4 days a week since the other managers have been taking their vacations and then they all have the 4 of July holidays they are taking.  Since I'm part time I don't get paid vacations so I'm having to fill in when they are gone.  It will be good for the checkbook (we took a huge paycut when I lost my job) but bad for family time. 

As stressful as our work schedules have been the overall stress levels in our lives has decreased dramatically.  It's sad but the stress we were under at our old church was huge.  We didn't stay much longer than we felt God wanted, but the stress was still so much!  At Harmony we don't feel we have to fight to do the things about which we are passionate.  And even though Harmony has Baptist roots (it's nondenominational) we've heard more sermons about Holiness than ever.  I love how our Pastor talks about it.  It is so in line with what I believe about holiness and it's what I want Dani to learn as well.  It's just been great.  Not only have we had places to plug in and serve God in ways we're passionate about but we are getting wonderful/challenging preaching.  We didn't know if we would get the preaching/teaching aspect when we left the Nazarene church.  Honestly we didn't know what to expect but it's been so great to know we didn't lose but actually gained in that area. 

Life is vastly different than the last time I blogged.  As always I hope to blog again sooner rather than later but I'm done making that promise.  :)  I have a lot going on certainly but I do genuinely enjoy writing it down, so here's to hoping you can read about it soon :)

A needed break

Well, it's been a while.  A long while.  But a much needed break.  If you read back a couple entries, you know I had a lot going on in my life.  Lots of drama, and I don't do drama well.  My "blog mind" kinda shut down.  Every time I'd think about blogging I'd clam up so I figured I needed to stop for awhile. 
Lately, I've been wanting to write again, so here I am. 
 
Life is hectic but full right now.  This week is full of special days.  Saturday was Dani's birthday party, Monday was CJ's birthday, Wednesday is Dani's actual birthday, Friday is our 11th wedding anniversary AND we leave for vacation in TN.  Busy, busy week (we will also celebrate fathers day on the next Sunday).  I'm a little frantic but loving it.  Our good friends Ben and Josie have made it a little easier for me by keeping Dani yesterday night and all day today. I'm actually going to leave as soon as I'm done here to go get her.  CJ and I were able to go out last night to celebrate his 34th birthday and today I worked on laundry and packing for vacation.  So thanks Ben and Josie!!!

Vacation is almost here and we are READY!!! We are going to visit some good friends (that we miss dreadfully) that live outside Nashville.  Daniel and Laura Meadow were our closest friends when we lived in KC.  Then they moved :(  We miss them a lot, did I say that already?  We unfortunately are not as close now as we were then but we know they are there when we need them or vice versa.  They are some of the few people we call when we have a huge problem and luckily we've been able to return the favor a few times.  Love, love, love them!  Can't wait to see them again!

My other good friend, Ashley Vance has moved to Florida.  Stinkin' Florida!  Soooooo far away and I miss her dearly.  I saw her a lot when they lived in MN (she visited a lot) and then she actually lived here in Burlington for 2 months before she moved to FL.  I got spoiled let me tell ya.  I miss her laugh, funny faces and sarcastic, irreverent sense of humor.  I love that girl and hate that I can't jump on a plane this very instant to give her a hug.  I know we will stay close ( I call her all the time :)) but it's just not the same. 

Dani is doing well.  She is finally POTTY TRAINED!!!!!!  I don't know if I blogged previously about the fact that she finally decided it was time or not.  But my little girl finally figured that she wasn't going to fight that battle anymore and she gave in!  Yeah!  I don't miss diapers in the least!  She's going to turn 4 tomorrow and I can't believe it.  AND she's going to start preschool in the fall.  This should not be.  I love her more each day and can't believe my baby is going to be going to school.  She's so cute but sassy.  Her attitude is our battle now.  Not really arrogant or whatever, but just defiant when she doesn't want to do something.  Telling me that she's not going to do something I asked her to do, things like that.  But I guess that's normal.  :)

I have a lot more in my head but they will all take their own blog posts so I'm going to close for now.  Later!

feeling alone

Wow, so much has happened recently, I'm not even sure what exactly I'm going to write in this entry. I've had more drama in my life over the past 2 weeks than I've had in the past 8 years. I'm really hurting right now but I'm praying that my pain won't be wasted. However, I'm not to the point yet that I'm past the hurt and able to see good in it. It's still too fresh.

2 weeks ago I had a horrible day with one of my best friends. Without going into details, I'll just say this. Most of the day we were frustrated with other people. After awhile, the frustration and anger bubbled over on each other. We had our first fight and it was a doozie. Not so much in intensity but it lasted a long time cuz we had a long drive home before it was over (2 hours) and I could drop her off. Having said that, we were able to talk on the way home and even though we were still tense with the stress of the day, I thought things were going to be ok. She hasn't talked to me since. I've sent emails and texts with no response. This was a close friend. So close we called each other sisters. I guess I misread all that, because in my book, you don't just shut out a sister over one stupid fight. Yet even as I'm mad, I miss her.

Then last week, I posted something on facebook about how I saw an example of why I hate war. A former soldier shared with friends for the first time, his struggles. He had been living with guilt for many many years because he had to shoot a man in self defense. He has seen that man's face everyday for close to 40 years and has felt that God could never forgive him for what he did. That is horrible. I DO NOT like war and don't support it. I have strong feelings about this (and some very valid reasons) BUT in my FB post all I said was I saw an example of why I don't support war. The men and women that go, have to live with the consequences of it. Even those that believe in why they're going (and this man did). I hate to see a soul so broken. It breaks my heart. I was simply hurting for him when I posted the status. Well, all hell broke loose and I became the whipping boy for anyone who dislikes those that "don't support the troops." (such an easy accusation to sling at someone) The worse part was it was FAMILY that were "talking" publicly about me on each others walls and status's. I even had one harrass me till I had to block him after I unfriended him due to his (current and past) comments.

These are people who are supposed to love me despite what they might view as flaws. These were cousins and aunts. Women who saw me grow up. They came to my dedication, graduation and wedding. Then my baby showers for Dani and the hospital when she was born. These are people who are supposed to be there for you when the going get rough. They aren't supposed to publicly flog you for something you didn't even say (or mean). They aren't supposed to call you stupid, ignorant, mean, closed minded, and heartless. Those words cut deeply and 6 days later I still cry over it. Yet, only one has even bothered to respond to a letter my brother sent out (privately) asking them to try to understand what I was actually saying. No one seems to care that they hurt me. I have apologized to them for what they thought I said (and what they obviously thought I meant by it) but only one has responded and it was a cousin not one of my aunts.

Why does that bother me so much???? I've been asking myself this question. I guess because my cousins didn't babysit me, they didn't grow up with my wonderful mother who gave birth to me, they didn't watch me grow up like my aunts did, they didn't change my diapers, they didn't hug and kiss me when I was still a toddler, and they didn't calm my fears or wipe my tears as a child. I could go on and on I'm sure. I look at my cousins and they aren't any more mature than I am nor would I expect them to be. But I look at my mom and I see wisdom that only comes with being a "grownup" for longer than me. I know I can still be immature, anyone my age still is. But I guess I expected my aunts to be the voice of reason not add fuel to the fire. I feel they should have known that their words would have consequences. Did they care they were hurting their niece's feelings? You don't live that long and not learn that what you say matters to those you say it about. Did they stop to think that they might be severing ties with someone they've watch grow up for 30 years (and my immediate family)? Did they stop to think at all? It didn't appear to be so from what I could see/read. All the posts sounded the same to me. There was no voice of wisdom coming from anywhere. No rational thoughts that might slow down the mob mentality that was rising to a fever pitch. No one seemed to care that I had feelings too.

I'm hurting. I feel alone, cut off, discarded. I fear the relationships will never be the same.



I am hurting and very few people seem to care.

Passion Party

I just had a great girls night out last night! Laura and I went to a Passion Party at Jilli's house (my SIL). It was a lot of fun!

It was so funny to watch some of the girls faces when the consultant would bring out these huge vibrators with multiple speeds and stuff. My MIL was there and she was one of the funniest. Although she did great and seemed to be pretty much at ease, I think she was keenly aware her baby girl was there, and me, her baby boy's wife. But it was still a lot of fun. It was made even better by the fact I took Laura with me. I had to convince her that a night out was what she needed when she tried to back out due to a stressful situation she's in right now, but once she agreed to go, she had a ball. Lots of girly talk and laughs! Just what the doctor ordered. And then of course both our husbands were glad to see us and our purchases walk in the door! he he, sorry had to put that in.

I'm going to host a party Sept 16th. If you want to come or order, let me know. By the way, the party was very tasteful so if you're a little more prudish than some, you'd still fit right in. :)

It's October!

And it's come in like a lion! It's been cold and rainy for days now. Ugh, not liking it. Plus I've been outside more lately since the weather's been bad than I was when the weather was beautiful. Why? you ask? I've been helping some friends move the past two days and it's been a tad chilly and a bit wet. Not fun to move in but I guess it beats blisteringly hot. Ive done that too.
Wow, life has been crazy lately. The main thing has been potty training Dani. I never knew how much energy it took! She's been doing really good although I think she's regressed a little bit by being around all the chaos of the moving. She's tried to go now and then but she's mostly gone in her pull up. However, at home she's fine.
Overall, I am sooooo proud of her. She's doing really great! She rarely, if ever, has pee accidents anymore. I have yet to get her to poop in the potty but that'll come. (I hope) Maybe, once things calm down around here, we can work on that.
We are starting a new small group and I'm really excited about it. We've become acquainted with a new couple at church who already know some friends of ours. They are fairly new to the faith and are looking to do some basic studies. I'm going to do the study that Donnie (my pastor brother) does with new believers. I trust his judgement. I'm excited that they are excited to learn more about Jesus! That's great. And I didn't even bring it up, they told me about wanting to learn more and happened to turn to me. I feel a little overwhelmed but excited. I hope God can use me in this.
Well I gotta run, Dani will be up soon. More later.

friendships

Sometimes I wonder if our social lives will ever be the same. For CJ especially. If there is one thing I regret about our move, it's CJ's lack of friends here. CJ is an extrovert even though he's not really outgoing. Meaning, he gets energy and feels better if he spends time with people. Me, I'm an introvert and do just fine without being around people all the time although I am social and need regular interaction. CJ's best friend Daniel had moved from KC by the time we left but he still had several other close friendships that gave him an outlet outside the home that he needs. He doesn't have that here and it makes me sad. Also, we don't have the close "couple" friends that we had there. We had several couples that we would have over late to play cards, watch movies or just hang out. Most of these couples were close enough that we spent most Thanksgivings and other holidays together.
I miss my close friends Ashley and Rebecca. Both held special places in my life. Ashley was more the "classic" best friend, if there is such a thing. We could talk about anything and did. He knew each other since we were little kids and that history just seemed to make us closer. I am not going to go on and on cuz I don't want to cry so I'll move on. Rebecca was such a different person but in such a remarkable way. She looked at the world from such a point of view that I never did and she helped me when I really needed it. We didn't spend as much time together as Ashley and me but there was something incredibly special about our friendship that I know I'll never find again.
CJ and I both don't make friends easy so this has not been easy. I just hope God has something/someone for us both.