7 months later

7 months later...

I am finally getting back to those other changes I promised 7 months ago lol.  Actually I don't really remember what other changes I was going to write about back then so I'll talk about the changes that are more recent. 

After all the stress mentioned last post, leaving church, my grandmother dying, and losing my job, I was a mess for several months.  I had to start working 3 nights a week and still am doing that actually.  But with all the stress I put on 10 lbs without even thinking about it.  In Febuary I decided this had to stop.  I was just starting to diet when I got a call from the Burlington YMCA.  They were offering a free 2 week trial.  My good friend Ashley had just moved back to the area (love it!!!) and we went together.  I ended up taking a discounted rate for 15 months instead of a free 2 weeks and I've been going ever since.  I also went to my doctor and she's been great.  The best thing she did for me was turn me on the an app called "myfitnesspal".  I've been tracking all my food and it really helped me change my eating habits.  I've been working out 4-5 days a week and have lost a grand total of...

52 pounds

I still have a long way to go but I feel great.  I've not been this weight since I was 19 maybe 20 years old.  I'm 3 lbs from the weight I was when I got married and 8 lbs from when I left my freshman year of college.  I still need to lose 73 lbs to hit my ideal/healthy weight but I'm on my way.  I have a goal of being 8 lbs less when we leave for vacation in 2 weeks but my average weekly weight loss has not been quite that much lately so we'll see.  I still feel really good about what I've done so far.  The next goal I have after vacation is running a 5k in October.  It's the 12:1 run hosted by Harmony Bible Church which is where we are attending now.  I feel it combines two passions of mine, providing clean water in the world and fitness goals.  It's rare those kind of passions come together so I am thrilled.  I have only run 1 mile recently and I am not training as hard as I should but I'm slowly working on it.  I have figured out to walk to the highway before I start running and I do better.  Running on gravel sucks because I constantly lose my rhythmn when the rocks move under my feet. 

So this blog will probably include a lot my fitness stuff since that seems to be what my life revolves around right now.  But I'm ok with that.  I finally am being a good role model for my daughter and that's extremely important to me.  That is a lot of what finally clicked for me.  I don't want her to struggle with her weight like I did.  I DO NOT want that for her.  Bullies are so cruel and it's only gotten worse since I was in school.  I admit I fear what bullies could do to her if she is a heavy child.  I don't like parenting out of fear but it's something I deal with...

Other things going on right now...  Dani starts kindergarten in the fall.  I.CAN.NOT.BELIEVE.IT!!!!!  She's my one and only.  I'll never have a baby, toddler, or preschooler again.  I am ok with it but I know I will miss her cuddles and dependance (somewhat) on me. I love watching her grow and change but I know I'll never experience that stage again so it's bittersweet. 
She turned 5 on June 15.  We had a Princess Tea Party that went over pretty well.  The kids didn't quite buy into the concept but still had a lot of fun. 

Church is going well.  It's an adjustment going to a new church and one that's so big.  We are slowly finding friends and our place.  Dani still asks about her old class but that doesn't surprise me.  She forgets nobody.  She asks about people that she met once 2 years ago.  Even though she asks about her old friends, she does enjoy her new class.  She loved the AWANA class she took last year so she's excited for that to start again in the fall.  We have a class we joined shortly after we started attending.  It's called Global Life and is all about a the global mindset the gospel demands.  We love the concept but have struggled to make relationships outside of the classroom.  I think a lot of it is simply time.  We came to Burlington First already knowing so many people that we just melted into old relationships.  We've never had to go to a completely new place and start from scratch.  We do know however, that we are in the right place so we trust relationships will come with time.  I have a few ladies that I've gotten to know a little bit and I see some great potential in those friendships.  However, in January my good friend Ashley moved back from FL so I've had my need for a friend pretty much met.  I know I need to still cultivate other relationships but it certainly slowed my efforts to reach out to other women. 

As I mentioned earlier I lost my job at our old church when we left and had to start working at the gas station 3 nights a week.  It's worked out that our schedules have worked (for the most part) so we don't have to pay childcare but it's been hard on CJ and I because 3 days a week we literally don't see each other for more than 2-3 minutes.  CJ will leave by 5:45am for work and gets off at 4.  I clock in at the gas station at 4 so I take Dani and he picks her up from me and takes care of her that evening.  I get off at 11(ish) and he's asleep when I get home.   It's definatly not ideal but it's what God has provided.  I even recently got a promotion to a part-time night manager.  It has helped a bit with money but not much.  I'm seeking out more responsiblities so I can negociate a bigger raise soon.  CJ and I really miss each other through out the week but so far this is the job that God has provided even when we've prayed for something else.  We just try to utilize the time we have and enjoy each others company when we're together. 

CJ and I are REALLY looking forward to our vacation that's coming up in 2 weeks.  We can't afford much but we are going to see our good friends Daniel and Laura Meadow in Erin, TN.  We LOVE those two and really miss them!  We really have no plans but to hang out and enjoy catching up.  Laura recently had a baby so this will work for them too. :)  A huge bonus to the vacation is that CJ and I will be together the whole week.  We've tried to not let our jobs mess up our marrige and for the most part we've succeeded but we could definetely use the time together to reconnect.  Especially after the next couple weeks.  I'm having to work 4 days a week since the other managers have been taking their vacations and then they all have the 4 of July holidays they are taking.  Since I'm part time I don't get paid vacations so I'm having to fill in when they are gone.  It will be good for the checkbook (we took a huge paycut when I lost my job) but bad for family time. 

As stressful as our work schedules have been the overall stress levels in our lives has decreased dramatically.  It's sad but the stress we were under at our old church was huge.  We didn't stay much longer than we felt God wanted, but the stress was still so much!  At Harmony we don't feel we have to fight to do the things about which we are passionate.  And even though Harmony has Baptist roots (it's nondenominational) we've heard more sermons about Holiness than ever.  I love how our Pastor talks about it.  It is so in line with what I believe about holiness and it's what I want Dani to learn as well.  It's just been great.  Not only have we had places to plug in and serve God in ways we're passionate about but we are getting wonderful/challenging preaching.  We didn't know if we would get the preaching/teaching aspect when we left the Nazarene church.  Honestly we didn't know what to expect but it's been so great to know we didn't lose but actually gained in that area. 

Life is vastly different than the last time I blogged.  As always I hope to blog again sooner rather than later but I'm done making that promise.  :)  I have a lot going on certainly but I do genuinely enjoy writing it down, so here's to hoping you can read about it soon :)

Reflective

Honestly, I'm not sure what this blog entry is going to be about...  I feel like I want to put my feelings to "paper" but I'm not quite sure what exactly I'm feeling...

I'm thinking about my life, the changes that have happened recently and not-so-recently and where we are headed. 

I'm thinking about Dani, my spit-fire of a daughter that is asleep in the next room.  I'm thinking about how Dani entering our life changed our future so dramatically.  We moved back to Iowa (which we said we'd never do) we worry about money and we depend on my parents more than we ever did as newlyweds.  However, we also sometimes just sit and marvel at this incredible human being that is in our lives.  We laugh at the cute things she says and does.  We feel a love for someone that is even more profound, deep and selfless than we have for each other.  We learn about God's love by watching her through our own eyes. 

I'm thinking about the love on my life, CJ.  This past week I saw a side of him I haven't seen in years.  His depression seemed to have lifted (thanks in no small part to an old friend) for a while to allow me to see the man I fell in love with 13 years ago.  I saw his heart, sensitivity and kindness that I have missed for a very long time.  Don't get me wrong, please.  I love him even when I don't always see "the man I fell in love with".  Even with his depression firmly in place (which for most that have chronic depression-it usually is) he is a man worthy of respect, love and admiration.  I love him more today that I did 13, 10, 5 or even 2 years ago.  The depression presents challenges but none that make me question that he is the man I want to wake up next to until the day I just don't wake up.  He is faithful, loyal, honest, hardworking, forgiving, talented, and sexy.  If the depression is something I have to deal with to be with him, that's ok with me.  I'd rather deal with that than some issues I see friends deal with with their husbands or wives.  He never gives me a moments hesitation that he is committed to me and our little girl.  He never deliberately hurts those he loves and he is quick to say he's sorry for undeliberate hurts.  I love him so much.

I'm thinking about our life now.  The good and the bad.  Our move from Olathe has had many ups and downs.  We wouldn't trade our life in Olathe for anything for Dani's sake.  She is close to all of her grandparents.  She sees them regularly and receives so much love from them.  I never had that.  I was not close to my grandparents at all and I smile when I see my parents and in-laws love on Dani each time they see her.  Moving was the best thing we could have done for Dani.  For CJ and me however, it's been difficult.  We left many friends, a vibrant and healthy church and a totally different lifestyle.  We have yet to feel at home here in many ways. 

I'm thinking about the future.  Dani starts preschool in the fall-she's growing up so fast.  Our views differ greatly from the church we attend and the gap just seems to be widening-will we still be there in 2 years?  We still miss our closest friends-will we ever find friends as good as we had in Olathe?  Dani's such a spitfire-what will she be like in 2, 10, 15 years?  We've decided to avoid the heartache of more years of infertility-will we regret only having one child? 

So many feelings running through my heart tonight.    

A needed break

Well, it's been a while.  A long while.  But a much needed break.  If you read back a couple entries, you know I had a lot going on in my life.  Lots of drama, and I don't do drama well.  My "blog mind" kinda shut down.  Every time I'd think about blogging I'd clam up so I figured I needed to stop for awhile. 
Lately, I've been wanting to write again, so here I am. 
 
Life is hectic but full right now.  This week is full of special days.  Saturday was Dani's birthday party, Monday was CJ's birthday, Wednesday is Dani's actual birthday, Friday is our 11th wedding anniversary AND we leave for vacation in TN.  Busy, busy week (we will also celebrate fathers day on the next Sunday).  I'm a little frantic but loving it.  Our good friends Ben and Josie have made it a little easier for me by keeping Dani yesterday night and all day today. I'm actually going to leave as soon as I'm done here to go get her.  CJ and I were able to go out last night to celebrate his 34th birthday and today I worked on laundry and packing for vacation.  So thanks Ben and Josie!!!

Vacation is almost here and we are READY!!! We are going to visit some good friends (that we miss dreadfully) that live outside Nashville.  Daniel and Laura Meadow were our closest friends when we lived in KC.  Then they moved :(  We miss them a lot, did I say that already?  We unfortunately are not as close now as we were then but we know they are there when we need them or vice versa.  They are some of the few people we call when we have a huge problem and luckily we've been able to return the favor a few times.  Love, love, love them!  Can't wait to see them again!

My other good friend, Ashley Vance has moved to Florida.  Stinkin' Florida!  Soooooo far away and I miss her dearly.  I saw her a lot when they lived in MN (she visited a lot) and then she actually lived here in Burlington for 2 months before she moved to FL.  I got spoiled let me tell ya.  I miss her laugh, funny faces and sarcastic, irreverent sense of humor.  I love that girl and hate that I can't jump on a plane this very instant to give her a hug.  I know we will stay close ( I call her all the time :)) but it's just not the same. 

Dani is doing well.  She is finally POTTY TRAINED!!!!!!  I don't know if I blogged previously about the fact that she finally decided it was time or not.  But my little girl finally figured that she wasn't going to fight that battle anymore and she gave in!  Yeah!  I don't miss diapers in the least!  She's going to turn 4 tomorrow and I can't believe it.  AND she's going to start preschool in the fall.  This should not be.  I love her more each day and can't believe my baby is going to be going to school.  She's so cute but sassy.  Her attitude is our battle now.  Not really arrogant or whatever, but just defiant when she doesn't want to do something.  Telling me that she's not going to do something I asked her to do, things like that.  But I guess that's normal.  :)

I have a lot more in my head but they will all take their own blog posts so I'm going to close for now.  Later!

The Great Iowa State Fair

CJ and I decided to take a little trip to the fair this year. As we were talking about the possibility of going last week, we got to talking about when the last time was we went. We figured out it was 10 flippin' year ago!! Seriously??? I used to work there every year as a teen and we went pretty often before that as a kid. We couldn't believe it had been that long. So we just HAD to come.

We went today and had a blast. What a great family day it was. We were there by 9:30am and stayed till 4pm. Dani did great! She loved the horses (wanted to ride one), was a bit freaked out but the deep-voiced sheep that baa'ed as he was getting sheared just a few feet away from us and thought the pigs were lazy because all they were doing was sleeping. She liked the milk from the Dairy Barn and LOVED the Big Slide! We were going to try to get away without going to the Midway but of course that didn't work. We spent 2 hours in there and would have been longer if we didn't need lunch so bad. It was 1:30 before we finally dragged her away from the rides to eat. Then we went to the butterfly house and the "farm" for little kids. It was soooo neat. They walk kids through the whole process in an interactive way of house food goes from seed to fuel to crops to the grocery store. She rode a horse (the pony rides), got to see a 2 hr old calf, piglets and hatching chicks, and got to meet Clifford the Big Red Dog. She was in heaven.

Of course, CJ and enjoyed ourselves too. We were thrilled that several buildings that we used to swelter in were now air conditioned and we still love the gyros in the triangle. It's so fun to see the fair through the eyes of your child. Everything was new to her and so interesting. She was so good. We only had 2 meltdowns and they really weren't that bad. And for Dani 2 is very minor. And they pretty much made sense in the context she was in. First she wanted to ride rides before we were ready. And second, she didn't want to put her "fruit" from the Farm in baskets because she knew she wouldn't get them back and she loves her plastic food at home. Plus the basket thing was just past nap time so she was bound to melt down sooner or later.

Bonus, we got to spend some time with some family tonight that I haven't seen in a year. Thanks Glen and Julie for putting us up! CJ said today walking down Grand Ave (in the fairgrounds) "We need to make this an annual trip". I couldn't agree more.

All in one week

Well, CJ and I are back from our vacation I posted about! It was really fun and relaxing. We had two whole days in the Dells, to just relax, sightsee and shop. We actually took several times to just go back to the room and relax and veg. That was really nice too. We had a whirlpool in our room that was large enough for us to sit side by side and we brought movies cuz our room had a DVD player (why don't more rooms provide those?) So relaxing! How often as parents of young kids do we just sit back and veg??? My favorite part? Probably the Dells boat tour. We took a 2 hour tour of the Upper Dells and it was really pretty. Plus, we got the best seats in the house, front row of the upper deck of the boat. We ended up getting sprayed a few times but it was worth it. We were able to just sit back and enjoy the ride. (we got some sun too!)

Then after the Dells (I was sad to leave) we went to stay with Josh and Ashley Vance in Minneapolis, MN. We did a lot more shopping and just hanging out. They have two kids, a 10 week old and a 2 year old. Their two year old was out of town for a reunion with the grandparents so it was easy breezy. Don't you sometimes miss those months of just being able to put the kid in a car seat and they go wherever? I forgot how easy a newborn can be compared to a toddler. (at least during the day) We absolutely love Josh and Ashley so it was great to spend so much time with them!

Although it was great to get away, by Saturday night I was so sick to see Dani it was painful. How do people go without seeing their kid for longer than that? I have no idea! I didn't talk to her the whole time cuz I didn't want to upset her, although, I called to check on her at least once a day. But on Sunday about 45 minutes from home I talked to her. I think those 45 minutes were the longest of the whole drive home. She did absolutely wonderfully the whole time! She did ask about us just a few times but was always fine when she was told that we were still on vacation and she could go home when we got home. That seemed to satisfy her totally. I kinda wonder if she missed "her house" more than she missed us! She such a homebody! Oh well, at least SHE doesn't mind if it's always messy lol.

So this week, Sunday was CJ's 33rd birthday and we got home from vacation. Today (Tuesday) is Dani's birthday, Wednesday we're going to the pool to celebrate as a family cuz today is too rainy. Thursday is our 10th anniversary. Saturday we're going to cousin Amos' house because they can't come to the party and then Sunday is her birthday party. We're inviting just family this year for obvious reasons. We've been so crazed! Plus throw in we had a huge garage sale the weekend before we left and we still need to clean up from it and crazed doesn't even describe it!

As crazy last weekend was and as crazy as this week is it's all worth it. I have a great life and a lot of celebrate! Thank you God for your blessings.

our family is complete

Well, the decision has been made. We are going to be a one child family. And I am completely fine and happy with the decision. Dani is amazing but we are happy with just her.

There are many, many, many reasons that went into making this decision. Just a few...

1)I had a horrible labor and c-section, one that I NEVER tell to new mothers because it's cruel and unusual punishment to do so. (well, maybe not but you get the drift) I went through bad postpartum depression and honestly, I don't want to live through any of those ever again.

2)We had a really hard time conceiving Dani. We tried for 5 years and they were years of heartache. We really don't want to go there again. I have a friend going through it now and it just breaks my heart all over again.

3)All my reasons in my "pro" list for having another baby are not because I actually want one. They are fears I have of Dani being an only child and the difficulties that may come to her because of it. Things like loneliness growing up and caring for aging parents alone. However, I've realized there are things we can do to help ease those concerns like making sure she has close relationships with friends and relatives, and taking financial responsibility for our own long term care.

4) Financially, we are just barely making it and we'd have to move to fit another child into our home.

5) I feel I'd be a better mom to Dani if I don't spread myself thinner than I am now. I want to change the world and therefore I try to volunteer my time. I feel either I'd have to stop volunteering and therefore not be the kind of example I want to be for my kids or I wouldn't spend the kind of time with my kids that they need.

6) We don't feel like anything is missing. We are happy and content with Dani.

When I first started contemplating whether we were done or not, I felt weird about my desire to have only one child. As if I was doing it "wrong" or something. I have quit trying to justify my decision and just accept the fact that it's our decision and as long as we both agree, it's just fine. There is no one right way to parent all children. All children are different, all parents are different. And with Dani's personality and my personality I feel being an only child will actually be better for her anyway.

I absolutely adore Dani. She's tied for the best thing that's ever happened to me (with CJ of course) She was absolutely worth the 5 years of heartache and the horrible labor and delivery. So now I'm going to raise her the best way I can.

And that is enough.

"outside" memories

As the weather gets warmer and warmer, I've been thinking about some of my memories that I have of spending time outside. I consider myself very lucky. I grew up on a farm and had parents that allowed me to explore it by myself. (I'm not sure I could even give that much freedom to Dani) I remember going to the "back 40" of our land and exploring the timber. I would look for animal prints and would use my imagination to pretend I was exploring some other land. I never got bored and considering I explored the same land over and over that's saying something. I think it was because I played by myself so much that I had to develop my imagination. This is something I hope Dani has. I had a lot of fun using my imagination both inside and outside the house. Plus, it gave hours to Mom that she didn't have to entertain me. :)

So as the weather is getting warmer I'm hoping to take Dani outside and just let her walk around. Let her explore outside of our regular yard and hopefully develop a love of exploring like I have. Who knows maybe I'll start again, after all she's still to young to go alone...

Nothing new bout this

Well all, this really doesn't surprise me. I've always been up and down when it comes to journaling or anything like it (blogging) but I always come back. I like it too much. It feels good to get my feelings down in print. However, it also take a lot of energy for me so when I feel drained I tend to stop for awhile. Does it surprise anyone I usually stop around the holidays?

Anyway, lots of things are happening but the main themes of my life are pretty much the same. I still spend most of my time with Dani. She is talking more and more. Sentences are forming longer and longer. She's doing really well despite the fact she's sick right now. She has a nasty cold and is being treated for a sinus infection. We are also potty training her right now. She has her good days and bad days. Right now is bad. I think the newness has worn off and she just doesn't get the excitement from going like she used to. I also think she's lazy. She doesn't want to worry about it cuz it's easier to just go and let Mommy or Daddy change her diaper. Oh well. She comes by that kind of attitude naturally.

CJ is doing better than a month ago. We've been struggling with his depression for several months. It's gotten really bad again. So he's started going to counseling again and he just saw his doctor today about changing his meds. The counseling has already helped some but not enough. Hopefully the combination of changes will help more. He's also eating better and trying to exercise more. He's lost about 15-20 lbs so far I think. He's looking goo-od. Of course I've always thought he's the most beautiful man but now he's just more so.

Our Sunday School is going really well. We are studying a book by John Burke entitled "No Perfect People Allowed" It has sparked some great discussion and growth in those who are coming. Our class is still small but that's ok. I'm really trying to just focus on the growth of those in our class and not worry about numbers. I'm really excited about the next two chapters. Chapter 4 talks about creating a "culture" of vulnerability and then chapter 5 follows up with a culture of acceptance. Of course acceptance is key if people are going to be vulnerable. I really hope we can nurture that kind of culture in our own class. Of course, I'm learning that it starts with me. Especially the vulnerability part. I'm hoping after these two chapters we can take the time to put these two principals into action. Maybe a week of sharing and prayer. We'll have to see how it goes over. To see if people take it to heart. It'll be interesting to see but honestly, I totally see us embracing the vulnerability and acceptance. Those in class seem to be totally absorbing the new ideas ("new" meaning ancient words said by Jesus) talked about in the book. I'm so excited.

Lately, thing have been going well EXCEPT in the area of money. The last couple months have really sucked. We've had emergency room visit bills, multiple car bills (sizable ones), our furnace motor went bad and I've been sick and have missed work. I know I'm not writing about all the expenses but those are the big ones. To top it all off, we are trying to SAVE $500 by April because we owe the IRS. We didn't expect it but it would have been very doable if all these extra expenses hadn't come up. It's really hard. I generally don't worry. CJ worries enough for both of us, but lately I've really been struggling with it. Seriously, we just don't have the money for everything! I don't know how it's all going to work. I know, I know that God will provide but sometimes it's harder to trust that than others. Usually, I don't struggle with it too much but lately it just seems like it's coming from all sides and it just won't let up. I guess you could say I'm being vulnerable :)

Well I know there's a lot more I could say but I'm going to wrap it up for right now. More soon...

Back to Reality

Well, vacation is over and life is stressful again. This kinda sucks. Let me back up.

CJ, Dani and I all went on vacation to Minneapolis, MN. We visited Ashley and Joshua Vance who just took their first pastorate position. It was nice to go on vacation, not have to pay for lodging and yet not have to fit in a million people (like when we go to KC). We still were pretty busy seeing everything but we had time to just lounge around and enjoy each other's company too. Minneapolis is a really beautiful city. Just wish we'd have been there a month ago when all the leaves were still on the trees. Oh well, we had record breaking high temps while we were there. Can't get much better than that.

We are back to our regular life here. I worked Tuesday (we got back Monday) and CJ went back to work today. He worked a 13 hour day just trying to get his department back to rights. I hope his bosses noticed how big of a difference it makes when he is gone. His dept was pretty crappy and looks MUCH better now.

Dani is really testing her boundaries since we got back. I don't know why but she's battling like crazy. Her favorite fits are now about getting dressed and bedtime. Plus a lot of little things throughout the day and boy does it add up. I had to stop today and apologize cuz I was being too harsh. I was in a bad mood cuz I was sick of fighting her but at this time I was the one being too demanding and mean. It was heartbreaking to me. I really stopped and looked in her eyes as I was yelling and she was so sad that I was talking to her that way. She looked so confused and upset. I'm tearing up now as I talk about it. I guess I didn't ruin everything cuz once I stopped and took a breath she went straight into my arms and let me apologize. I think this is the first time I've had to do this. At least to this degree. Poor thing.

Life is back to (pretty much) normal. Yipee!

It's October!

And it's come in like a lion! It's been cold and rainy for days now. Ugh, not liking it. Plus I've been outside more lately since the weather's been bad than I was when the weather was beautiful. Why? you ask? I've been helping some friends move the past two days and it's been a tad chilly and a bit wet. Not fun to move in but I guess it beats blisteringly hot. Ive done that too.
Wow, life has been crazy lately. The main thing has been potty training Dani. I never knew how much energy it took! She's been doing really good although I think she's regressed a little bit by being around all the chaos of the moving. She's tried to go now and then but she's mostly gone in her pull up. However, at home she's fine.
Overall, I am sooooo proud of her. She's doing really great! She rarely, if ever, has pee accidents anymore. I have yet to get her to poop in the potty but that'll come. (I hope) Maybe, once things calm down around here, we can work on that.
We are starting a new small group and I'm really excited about it. We've become acquainted with a new couple at church who already know some friends of ours. They are fairly new to the faith and are looking to do some basic studies. I'm going to do the study that Donnie (my pastor brother) does with new believers. I trust his judgement. I'm excited that they are excited to learn more about Jesus! That's great. And I didn't even bring it up, they told me about wanting to learn more and happened to turn to me. I feel a little overwhelmed but excited. I hope God can use me in this.
Well I gotta run, Dani will be up soon. More later.

Thank God for kids

When I was a little girl my parents had the Oak Ridge Boys Christmas cassette tape. We used to listen to it over and over every year. (mostly cuz we had, like, 3 Christmas cassettes) One of my favorite songs was called "Thank God for Kids" The chorus goes...

Thank God for kids there's magic for a while,
A special kind of sunshine in a smile.
Did you ever stop to think, 'I wonder why, the nearest thing to heaven is a child'?

The verses are just as good if not better.
I got a taste of that yesterday and today.
Last year, Dani was still 6 months and not really aware of most that was going on. This year at the IL's we had Dani at 18 months and Amos at 12 months and it was a riot. They were so cute and really got into opening the presents. And even if they didn't understand it all (which the obviously didn't) they did understand that this was a special time and they were front and center of it all.
I was sitting in my IL's living room taking pictures on the couch. The 2 kids were playing with some blocks. We were all watching them while we finally got our turn to open a present or two (actually more like 5 or 6). The kids were squealing and having fun. We were opening presents from each other and just having a good time. I know this sounds so cheesy but I had this overwhelming thought that said "Now, THIS, feels like Christmas" I haven't had so much fun on Christmas morning since I was a child myself. Kids add so much to the mix. I can't wait till next year when we'll have another one. (my brothers baby not me!) I love to watch them smile and hear them squeal with excitement when they see what's inside the wrapping. I know too that Dani will only get better over the next few years as she learns to anticipate the day.
It was a good day!

Expectations

Friday night we all ("all"=CJ, Mom and Dad, Erin and Donnie and their friend, Andy)went to the lighted Christmas parade. I was the one that kind of pushed it because, lately, as we've been driving around town I'll hear behind me oohs and ahhs from Dani when she sees Christmas lights. I thought she'd love the parade. She was fine while we waited. She was a little frustrated because I had her on a harness cuz she kept wanting to run away but otherwise good. The first thing of the parade was a fire pickup that had it's lights flashing, I think it freaked her out. She started crying and squirming and then everything freaked her out after that. I don't know if it was the floats moving by her or the noise of the generators 0n the floats or what but she hated every float. She ended up burying her face in my mom's coat and eventually falling asleep.

Confession... instead of taking her and comforting her as a "good" mom should, when I saw her freaking out in CJ's arms I got frustrated. This is the third time something like this has happened. By "like this" I mean, we planned an outing that I thought she'd love and she hated or acted up.
The first was the rodeo parade. She got over stimulated by all the sirens in the beginning so she was skittish the whole time. And the bands, which I thought she'd love since she loves music, freaked her out the worst.
The second outing was to the pumpkin patch. First, CJ's family all backed out at the last minute so that already had me frustrated. Secondly, Dani was in a foul mood the whole time we were there. She literally screamed in protest every time I took the camera out. I got a few candids but nothing with her in front of a hay bale or corn stalks or ya know, any picturesque photos that you view in your head. She didn't want to do anything. She even threw down a "Dani" sized pumpkin I gave her. I literally left the pumpkin patch in tears.
The third outing was this parade. I really didn't think we could go wrong with this because she's been loving the Christmas lights lately and she isn't bothered by crowds. How could we go wrong right?
I know they say not to have expectations and you're probably thinking that I need to let them go but how can I? In the 5 years we tried to conceive, I used to dream about these moments and how they would look. I can't just throw that all away can I?
Am I the only one who this happens to?

It don't get no better than this

This weekend was full of fun, hard work, but fun all the same. Yesterday was packed full with "Trunk or Treat" preparations. I helped Destiny and a sick Jessie, with getting all the last minute preparations done. I was in charge of all the outside decorations and I thought they looked good. :)
"Trunk or Treat" was a success. A friend of mine said she had 500 pieces of candy and gave out 2 to each kid and she was almost out! The kids enjoyed all the games and we had 15 trunks!!! Not bad for our first year. Look out next year, Jessie's already planning for it. :)
Today was totally different. I didn't have to run around working hard and making sure everything was done and taken care of. I did, however, have a full day. It was Plow Days today at my parents farm. All these farmers from the surrounding areas bring all their antique plows pulled by antique tractors and/or horses. There's food, dirt, and lots of lawn chairs. I took Dani over as soon as I was up and except for her nap time, we were there all day. She ran all around, getting into EVERYTHING but Grammie and PaPa were there to help. Dad walked around with her in his arms a lot today. He is SUCH a proud grandpa! Late in the day she came over to give him a kiss and he turned to one of his farmer friends and said, "It don't get no better than this" Ahhhhh
She'll sleep good tonight.
Please knock on wood for me!!!

when your best isn't good enough

What do you do when your best doesn't cut it? Sure beats the heck out of me! As a mom I try hard, but I feel like I'm coming up short quite often. As a wife, I feel like I try hard, I work outside the home, I cook, I clean, and nothing is enough. I don't make enough money, I don't cook enough to avoid eating out and enough for leftovers, and the house still is a mess! Sometimes I feel like throwing up my hands and giving in to my selfish urges and just quit trying. However, I know that won't solve anything so I keep plugging along, forever behind.
Now if it were just me that this affected, I could handle it. However, it doesn't affect just me, if affects my whole family. Obviously, the parenting decisions I make affect Dani a lot and the house and cooking really, really affect CJ as a messy house and money spent eating out stress him out a ton. So what do I do? Do I cut out the time I set aside to care for myself? Should I sacrifice my "down-time" to work on the house, therefore having a cleaner house (and a happier husband) but a more haggard life? Or do I just keep plugging away and hope things get better?
Is there a solution or is this going to always be my life until we're empty nesters? (what a depressing thought)

my limit

Yesterday was a bad day! In fact this whole week has been awful. The thing that I admire most about CJ's work ethic (how he will do what needs to be done and work hard until it's finished) has caused me to be alone with a sick, cranky baby most of the week. He has a big project at work that will be finished this weekend. I knew this week was coming for awhile but I did not know that Dani would be cranky and clingy the whole time.
Yesterday, CJ was supposed to be off at 1 and didn't get off until 5. During the day, I never got a break from Dani. The first nap she took, I ended up falling asleep so I never got the chance to just relax, recoup, and get ready for the next go 'round. The second nap she took as soon as she was down I went to town to get my hair cut and she was awake before I got back. I know that doesn't sound like much to you guys that are reading this, but before you write me off as dramatic let me tell you something. I NEED those times. If I don't get a chance to relax during naps, I am not nearly as good a mom as I need to be, especially to a sick child. Having someone demand your attention every minute they are awake is the most draining thing I've ever experienced. I can handle it if I get a break. If not, I will hit a wall very quickly. Well, I hit one last night. Luckily, we were able to find someone to watch Dani for us, so CJ and I went to dinner and walked around the mall a bit. It wasn't as much as I wanted but it was enough to hopefully get me through the rest of the week until CJ can be home more regularly, and hopefully, Dani will start feeling better.
If I can handle next week ok, with CJ being home in the evenings and Dani (hopefully) feeling better than I will get the recoup I need next weekend. My mother-in-law left a message with CJ saying they can take Dani next weekend on Saturday and Sunday!!
I love my daughter so much it hurts sometimes but I am not one of those moms who wants to be with her kids 24/7. I need a break. A time to replenish myself so I can be the best mom I can be. I used to feel guilty about that, but I have quit worrying about it. I am who I am and that's ok. If other moms can do it, that's great but I refuse to think I am any less of a great mom than them anymore! (Sometimes I wish this my type of personality was portrayed more in parenting magazines and other types of media more often. Surely, I'm not the only one with this personality)

moments

I have a sign on my wall that says "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away". I know it's a little cheesy but today it feels true.
Dani can be really tough sometimes now that she's more independent. She is so independent that she fights me all day, every day, every week. It's rare to find a time that she isn't trying to do something herself or frustrated by those things she can't. I know independence can be a good trait to use later in life but for a toddler who is still learning boundaries, it's wearing on the mother.
But God seems to know when I need a "breath-taking" moment. I knew Dani was completely out so I peeked in on her during her nap just a minute ago. I love to see her sleeping cuz she always ends up in a different position and each one is adorable. Usually it's on her side or stomach but today she was facing the door, completely sprawled out on her back. Bear was right by her face and her arm was behind her head. There is no way I'm going to be able to describe to you how love seems to course through my being when I see her sleeping. But it's so strong it always, without fail, makes me cry. It's enough to keep me strong when I should be completely worn out.
Thank you God for the moments that keep me going when the going is tough.

this weekend

Wow. What a busy, yet fun, weekend! I've really been confirmed of why we moved here over the last couple days.
We went to the Rodeo parade on Saturday. We met my mother-in-law and my parents both came. We also had some friends there as well. Dani had a good time seeing all of them. She loves being the center of attention! She actually didn't like the parade like I thought she would. I think it was just too overwhelming to her. But, she had plenty of people there to comfort her and distract her.
Yesterday was Grandparents Day. We had my in-laws up for lunch after church and Dani had a ball. She loves when they come to see us. (her) They are great grandparents and simply dote on her. They stayed for a good 4 hours and Dani didn't want them to leave. But as soon as they left we took her to see her other set of grandparents. That certainly wouldn't have happened in KC! There are a lot of things I've missed since we've moved but Dani has gained so much being near her grandparents. No one but CJ and I love her as much as these dear people.

Dani and poop

OMG! The most disgusting thing just happened today! I had Dani in time-out in her pack-and-play which happens to be right next to her diaper pail. The pail was full and a diaper must have been sitting on top. Long story short, I got up to get her out and found her sitting with a poopy diaper in her lap. It was everywhere! She'd smashed it in her hands it was on her face and in her hair. It was so nasty. I gasped her name pretty loudly and scared her. So the whole time I'm trying to clean her up she's crying and once tried to put her hand in her mouth. I grabbed it and scared her again so she cried even more. The smell was so gross I about threw up. Of course I gave her a bath right away but I still had to clean up the pack and play which was, of course, covered in poop too. Oh my word, I hope this is the last incident with poop ever, ever, ever!!!!

sick baby

Having a sick baby is so hard! Dani is so sick again! I took her to the doctor today and he said her infection is clearing up but she's got the flu now. So she's running another high fever, she threw up 3 times last night until she was just dry heaving and she's had diarrhea for 3 days now. I thought the diarrhea was just from the antibiotic. Nope, now I know. I really think I've been fighting this same bug for awhile now so I'm really really struggling with exhaustion. Like, right now, I soooo want to go take a nap while she is sleeping. But I know, if I do, I'll never sleep tonight. Happens every time! I just hope the flu goes away quickly and with the infection clearing up, I want her to feel better!

worst day ever

This day may go down in history as one of my worst days as a mother. Last night, Dani woke up with a 103.1 fever and woke up about 4 times total through out the night. She was a wreck, therefore so was I. I got no sleep cuz I got up with her everytime since CJ had to work today and when I finally got back in bed, I had the hardest time going back to sleep. And not only did she get up 4 times last night she cried out in her sleep a ton. So once I got to sleep I would get woke up by her crying! That's not even the worst part.
Today I took her to the doctor. The only time they could get me in was right at the start of her naptime but I took it. The doctor got called to the hospital for a delivery so all the appts were delayed. So poor Dani, sick and hungry (I didnt' have enough food) and tired, waited and waited. The doctor finally saw us and after examining her decided we needed some tests done. We tested her for an UTI. Which, a catheter and a 14 month old combined, is about as bad as it gets. Then they had to do a whole blood workup. The nurses were great but they couldnt' get the vein cuz Dani was so tense. She was crying so hard I about lost it. Luckily it was a good nurse and she didn't take the needle out, she just tried moving it around so she wouldn't have to stick Dani again. Finally, finally, she got the blood they needed. Then we had to wait for an hour while the lab processed it. Dani was so miserable and so was I. Finally, we get the results back and they arent' good, but they also don't tell us much. She has an infection "somewhere" her white blood cell counts are elevated and CRP (it stands for something something protein) numbers were high. So they've started her on an anti-biotic and if she's not better by Monday I have to take her in again. No matter how she's feeling, I have to take her in again Wednesday to have the CRP levels checked again. More blood tests, yeah!
While we were waiting for the results, Dani finally crashed and was trying to sleep on me which she hasnt' done since she was 6 months old. But everytime a door slammed or a child cried she would startle and would have to be calmed down. Talk about draining. I sang to her almost the whole hour we waited. It was the only thing that kept her calm. For about a 15 minute interval I really started to panic. I started thinking about the fact that many many parents receive bad news everyday. Their child has cancer or some other serious illness. I started crying and really had to pull it together cuz I couldn't sing and it upset Dani. I am still scared and if I let myself think about it I start crying all over again. I know God can heal Dani if it turns out to be my worst nightmare but I also know sometimes he doesn't heal like we want. I know that and am at peace with that for the most part but it's never been my baby.
If this antibiotic doesn't work, I'm really scared we could be faced with a serious situation next week. I'm really trying to trust God and accept what comes. I'm also trying to not get worked up cuz it could be nothing but a sinus infection that will immediately clear up. Let's hope it is. Hopefully this will continue to reign as my worst day as a mother for a long long time.