wake up call

I've been telling myself for about 6 months that I want to feel better, look better and be better in my 30's.  I have been overweight and self conscious since I was a young teen.  I had an undiagnosed case of insulin resistance for 10 years which made me hungry ALL THE TIME.  So for ten years I built habits that I've yet to break.  I've been on diets for most of my life till Dani was born.  After Dani was born, it was as if I just couldn't worry about it anymore so I stop "dieting".  I actually have been able to lose weight over the last 3 years but it has been slow and very undeliberate.  However, I have been realizing things are only going to get worse the older I get.  I'm going to develop diabetes, have high blood pressure and possibly die of a heart attack.  These are facts I just haven't wanted to face.  Today I got a huge wake up call. 

That being said, let me explain a little history.  I have PCOS and have been on birth control pills since I was a teen to control my erratic periods.  Once we decided to have Dani, I've pretty much been off birth control pills.  Even after Dani was born, we never went back on the pill.  Months ago, I went to the Doctor to discuss my birth control options since we officially decided to not try for a 2nd child.  I was told progesterone only birth control was my best option because the pill and patch have estrogen which can raise your blood pressure (and condoms just weren't an option anymore).  My current blood pressure was fine but he didn't want to mess that up.  So I went with Implanon, which is like Mirena but it goes in your arm for 3 years.  It was a horrific mess.  Within 2 weeks I was ready to rip it out myself!  I was an exhausted, hormonal mess (worse than when I was pregnant) with NO sex drive.  It was awful to say the least.  So I had it taken out.  I really had no viable options left except the pill.  I went on Ortho-tricyclen Low a month and a half ago.  I went in today for a follow up feeling really good about it.  I feel pretty good, I've lost 3 pounds and haven't had any side effects.  My blood pressure was 147/97!!!!!  That is really really bad!  So, I am going to be monitored for the next 2 weeks and then if it doesn't go down, I either have to go off it or I have to go on blood pressure medication.  I am 29!  I kinda freaked out.  I haven't really let anybody know how much that truly scared me. 

But, I have decided to break the habits that have ruled me for over 15 years.  I am going to exercise, eat right and lose weight.  I AM going to feel better in my 30's! 

Today, I started exercising.  This is the part that I've never been able to stick with so I'm most nervous about.  Any weight I've lost since Dani was born has been just from eating less and/or healthier.  But I know exercise is essential to lowering my blood pressure so I HAVE to stick it out.  I know I also need to stick to a stricter diet. 

I am setting goals to lose 15 pounds by Christmas and 20 by my 30th birthday which is Jan 13.  Of course that is no where close to my ideal weight but I know I need to set small goals.  I would love to be below my "wedding" weight by the time I'm 31 and that's very doable.  I would just need to lose 3 lbs a month for the next year after I lose the 20 lbs set for my coming birthday.  (Actually, I would be almost 10lbs lighter than I was at my wedding) If I can do that again the next year, I would be the weight I was when I was flippin' 12!!!  That's crazy.  And doable.  36 lbs in a year seems little considering how many times I've lost 20lbs and then gained them back.  However, I know it's going to be tough.  But I am sick of being fat!  I have been thinking so much more lately, about my school experience, with all this talk about bullying on the news.  I was bullied every day of school from about 3rd grade until I graduated.  It was awful and I still live with the consequences.  I still feel that I'm ugly, fat, slow and not even worth basic common courtesy some days.  However, I am improving in my self-image and I know I deserve better than to be ruled by such crappy habits that formed because an incompetent Doctor dismissed crucial tests results when I was 15.  I am sick of feeling that I am invisible because I'm always the fat girl in almost every group I go out with.  I am sick of feeling no one could possibly find me attractive.  I'm just sick of it.  But most of all, I refuse to let this fat make me more sick. I don't want to be stuck on diabetes and high blood pressure medication from the time I'm in my 20s till my body gives out when my grandchildren are still young. 

I am going to write about this in the future and I hope that helps keep me accountable.  (By the way, as I write this, Dani is mimicking me exercising this afternoon, too cute. She's doing lunges lol)