Thank God for kids

When I was a little girl my parents had the Oak Ridge Boys Christmas cassette tape. We used to listen to it over and over every year. (mostly cuz we had, like, 3 Christmas cassettes) One of my favorite songs was called "Thank God for Kids" The chorus goes...

Thank God for kids there's magic for a while,
A special kind of sunshine in a smile.
Did you ever stop to think, 'I wonder why, the nearest thing to heaven is a child'?

The verses are just as good if not better.
I got a taste of that yesterday and today.
Last year, Dani was still 6 months and not really aware of most that was going on. This year at the IL's we had Dani at 18 months and Amos at 12 months and it was a riot. They were so cute and really got into opening the presents. And even if they didn't understand it all (which the obviously didn't) they did understand that this was a special time and they were front and center of it all.
I was sitting in my IL's living room taking pictures on the couch. The 2 kids were playing with some blocks. We were all watching them while we finally got our turn to open a present or two (actually more like 5 or 6). The kids were squealing and having fun. We were opening presents from each other and just having a good time. I know this sounds so cheesy but I had this overwhelming thought that said "Now, THIS, feels like Christmas" I haven't had so much fun on Christmas morning since I was a child myself. Kids add so much to the mix. I can't wait till next year when we'll have another one. (my brothers baby not me!) I love to watch them smile and hear them squeal with excitement when they see what's inside the wrapping. I know too that Dani will only get better over the next few years as she learns to anticipate the day.
It was a good day!

Glad I don't live in Canada

I am so not loving the cold spell we are finding ourselves in right now! If I could just simply stay inside, sip hot chocolate, snuggle down under a blanket and watch bad Christmas movies I'd be fine but that is not my life!

First of all, we live on a lane that will drift shut with 1 inch of snow. Throw in some ice and we have Saturday night. CJ and I were leaving to go on a much-needed date when we had white-out conditions on the lane! I couldn't see anything and the van was going at a decent clip so not to get stuck. I ended up getting off to the side into a rut that Dad had accidentally made just the day before. We couldn't move an inch! So here we are, it's -30 degrees windchill and we are stuck in the middle of nowhere with "date" clothes on. Dad was at work and Mom was on call and recovering from a nasty sinus infection. We really really didn't want to walk home. (I had on dress shoes) Finally, Mom was able to come out and pick up CJ in the truck. He took her back home, bundled up in Dad's coveralls and got some gloves and a hat and then came back over. I tell ya, even though I knew he was coming back and I wasn't stranded alone, I really struggled with a small panic attack! I was sitting in the middle of nowhere, with 40 mph winds and whiteout conditions. It was cold and it took CJ nearly 20 minutes to get back and we'd already been sitting there for nearly 30 minutes before Mom came. It was surreal. Anyway, Dad told CJ to just find something solid under the van and wrap a chain under it. Then hook that chain to the truck and pull! Well... he found our heating line and broke it. There was absolutely nothing else under there!
So to make this long story short, we ended up leaving the van there until the next morning when Dad and I spent 2 hrs trying to find something to hook up to, that would hold strong so we could pull it out. It was cold and miserable!!!
I can't imagine living where every winter is bad and worse! I'm sure we'll end up being one of those old couples that "fly" south for the winter. ;) Fine by me!!

Expectations

Friday night we all ("all"=CJ, Mom and Dad, Erin and Donnie and their friend, Andy)went to the lighted Christmas parade. I was the one that kind of pushed it because, lately, as we've been driving around town I'll hear behind me oohs and ahhs from Dani when she sees Christmas lights. I thought she'd love the parade. She was fine while we waited. She was a little frustrated because I had her on a harness cuz she kept wanting to run away but otherwise good. The first thing of the parade was a fire pickup that had it's lights flashing, I think it freaked her out. She started crying and squirming and then everything freaked her out after that. I don't know if it was the floats moving by her or the noise of the generators 0n the floats or what but she hated every float. She ended up burying her face in my mom's coat and eventually falling asleep.

Confession... instead of taking her and comforting her as a "good" mom should, when I saw her freaking out in CJ's arms I got frustrated. This is the third time something like this has happened. By "like this" I mean, we planned an outing that I thought she'd love and she hated or acted up.
The first was the rodeo parade. She got over stimulated by all the sirens in the beginning so she was skittish the whole time. And the bands, which I thought she'd love since she loves music, freaked her out the worst.
The second outing was to the pumpkin patch. First, CJ's family all backed out at the last minute so that already had me frustrated. Secondly, Dani was in a foul mood the whole time we were there. She literally screamed in protest every time I took the camera out. I got a few candids but nothing with her in front of a hay bale or corn stalks or ya know, any picturesque photos that you view in your head. She didn't want to do anything. She even threw down a "Dani" sized pumpkin I gave her. I literally left the pumpkin patch in tears.
The third outing was this parade. I really didn't think we could go wrong with this because she's been loving the Christmas lights lately and she isn't bothered by crowds. How could we go wrong right?
I know they say not to have expectations and you're probably thinking that I need to let them go but how can I? In the 5 years we tried to conceive, I used to dream about these moments and how they would look. I can't just throw that all away can I?
Am I the only one who this happens to?

Flies!!!

Ok this is going to be a stupid post but I have to vent...
What is with all the stupid flies and how do they get in my house???? I just killed about 10 flies that were on my bedroom window this morning. Then I go in there after being gone for a couple hours and there was 20! It's like plucking a gray hair, 2 grow in it's place. I thought the cold was supposed to kill them anyway! I have more than in the summer time. Plus I absolutely abhor flies! They are so gross and dirty! You'd think I'd be used to them, growing up on a farm. They love manure and we had a ton of it with all the animals around. I never got used to them. I can remember going outside where they used to congregate on our garage doors with a fly swatter and going crazy with it. I guess I thought that if I killed enough of them, they'd quit hanging out there. I don't think it ever worked but I sooooooo wanted to get rid of them that I kept trying. Well, I don't do that anymore but I still try to keep them out of my house. Ugh! They are gross!

crazy plans

Wow, when I think about the schedule we have the next two days I feel like I need to sit and catch my breath! Here's a run down...
Tonight, not too bad. As soon as Dani wakes up (she's napping) we are going back over to my mom's and Erin and I are going to start making supper for everyone. It's going to be huge!
Tomorrow is busy. We start by volunteering from 8-11 at Burlington High School at the big dinner they have there every year. We are packing box lunches early so they can be delivered to shut ins around the area. Then I'll have to run home and get ready and let Dani take a nap. At 1 is the Miller get-together lunch. As soon as we're done there, we are hitting the road to go to CJ's parents for supper with them and his sister's family.
Friday is even busier. We are going shopping in the morning, then back in time for Dani's nap. Then CJ and I are going to the Shaffer's get-together over in Illinois. Then we have to be back in time for the lighted Christmas parade in Fort Madison. I absolutely can't wait to see Dani's expressions as she sees all the lights. She's so animated!
If this was just us, it would be fine. However, poor Dani might have a hard time. I hope she adapts easily. She's getting less and less flexible as she's getting older.
I hope everyone has a great week. Don't forget to take time to be thankful, even if it's simply time taken in the car, going from one dinner to the next.

a common cold??

I HATE being sick. Always have but even more so since I've had Dani. Gone are the days when I can simply call in sick and take care of myself till I'm better. No...now I have to either suck it up and get up anyway to care for my little girl who still needs to be fed, diapered, played with and read to, or I have to find a babysitter on short notice. Well, Thursday I simply sucked it up and played with Dani myself. Friday and Saturday (today)that just didn't seem to be an option, I could barely function enough to get up and go to the bathroom but less take care of a lively, busy toddler. Plus, I really didn't want her to get what I had/have. So, God bless 'em, the Eagens have watched her for me the past two days.
She absolutely loves going there! There are 3 kids who just love on, dote on and play with her all day. For a little girl who loves being the center of attention there is nothing better.
So needless to say the past two days have been much more fun for her than for me. I've been so sick with a cold. I can't remember the last time a COLD knocked me out like this. Last night, I went out and bought humidifiers for ours and Dani's bedrooms. They made a decent difference. Dani has been having a cough and been congested too but this morning when she woke up it was all gone. That makes me feel a lot better. I'm hoping it was all just because of dry air and not because she's got the same bug as me. As for me, I did sleep better. I didn't wake up with a mouth full of cotton balls like I have been (since I have to breathe exclusively through my mouth since my nose is so stuffed up) and my nose was actually less congested. I pretty much stayed in my bedroom today reading and napping so I got a lot of benefit from the humidifier. As much as I hated to spend the money (they are expensive! I bought cheap ones last year from Walmart but I threw them out because they made no difference whatsoever), they were worth the investment. Even if just for Dani's sake. She slept through the whole night and woke up completely congestion free and hasn't coughed once. Yeah!
I don't think I'll be making it to church tomorrow. Even if I feel better I don't want to infect everyone. Plus I really need to not push it tomorrow cuz I have to work Monday and Tuesday so I need to conserve my energy to make it through. I'm always exhausted by Wednesday anyway and I've never had to make it through while being sick. I already know the Eagens are going to take Dani Tuesday all day since I work till midnight Monday night and then go in again at 4pm till 10pm Tuesday night. Hopefully I'll get a nap to get me through on Tuesday. If I can just make it through, hopefully I'll be able to take it easy through the rest of the week. My brother and sister-in-law are going to be here (yeah!) but we don't have any big plans so hopefully we'll just sit around and do nothing. That's my kind of vacation!
I'm starting to ramble and it's time for my drugs-I can tell, my nose is getting more stuffy again...

No room at the inn

I'm very excited by little things sometimes and today it happened again. CJ and I are going to Des Moines for the Tyler get-together on Dec 6th. We went last year and stayed at my Uncle Glen's house which worked out great. (we usually stay there anytime we go to Des Moines) However, this year there is no space for us to stay there since both his daughters and both Grandbabies moved back in. The one guest room he has is always occupied by my aunt. So my Grandmother graciously offered to pay for a hotel room. When I first heard about it, it felt like an answer to prayer. Then I got to thinking of the challenges it presents. First of all, Dani can't sleep in the same room as us. She cries if she sees us. Also, she is still having a bottle when she wakes up and before she goes to bed. That requires a fridge to store the milk (we could do with a cooler if need be so this isn't a huge issue) and a microwave to warm it up. (we've tried weaning her off to cold milk but she won't have it so this is a huge issue) Today I was looking online to book a room and discovered a hotel that specializes in long stays but will still book a room for 1 night if need be. It has a kitchenette (with fridge and microwave included) and is L shaped so we should be able to put Dani out of view. Plus it's only about $15 more than others we were looking at and is still within the budget given to us. Yeah!!! It makes me happy! I know it seems little to most of you but this really takes a lot of stress out of this trip. I no longer have to worry about this stuff. I have literally been stressing about these two issues for weeks, ever since the room was offered. Yeah!

All at once

I find myself asking if anything else can go wrong and apparently the answer is yes. Dani has been having a really rough time for the past 2 weeks. She's been teething really badly. She's getting her "eye" teeth (I don't know if that's the proper spelling.) and apparently they are some of the worst. (they still haven't come in) Tuesday she got the first shot of two for her flu shot. I guess for the first-timers they split the vaccine in half so she's getting the second shot next month. After the flu shot she got a canker sore the size of Rhode Island in her mouth. THEN she fell and hit her mouth really hard. She has a huge, bloody fat lip and a blood blister on her gums. NOW, she's starting to cough and we just found out she was exposed to bronchitis! She's is sorry shape. And as you parents know, as they are so you are...
She is not sleeping at all. Last night she cried more than she ever did as a newborn. But there's nothing we could do but let her cry because we already gave her all her medicine and all she is wanting is for us to hold her. She's been wanting to fall asleep with us rocking her but as soon as we start to get up to put her down (cuz she's out cold) she starts crying and doesn't sleep in her crib. It's sooooo frustrating and yet we feel so bad for her cuz she's so miserable. She cries out for us even in her sleep. None of us have gotten sleep in 3 days! I'm so exhausted. And you should see the poor thing, she's a mess!
A friend of ours offered a solution that I think we're going to try. We don't have a recliner but they have one and they said they'd bring it here and we could put it in her room and she could sleep on one of us. I'm a little hesitant about it cuz I don't want to start a bad habit. But us sleeping away from her isn't working either so I think we're going to try it just so we can hopefully, get a little sleep.
Poor thing, I know she has the worst of it but I sometimes find myself throwing ME the pity party in my sleep-deprived state.

true thanksgiving

The Holiday season! I love it! I am sitting at my desk, listening to Christmas music, sipping hot chocolate, thinking about the festivities to come in the next month or so. I looking forward to it even more this year for two main reasons. 1) Even though it's not Dani's first Christmas it's the first that she will register what's going on. I'm sure this excitement will continue over the next few years as she learns to anticipate the day in advance. 2) Donnie and Erin will be here twice over the next two months. This is the first Holiday season we've lived far away from them and I miss them. They are going to be here in two weeks for Thanksgiving!
Another reason I'm excited is this year we are going to serve the community on Thanksgiving. What a great way to remember what we have to be thankful for. I guess Burlington High School has a dinner every year on Thanksgiving Day. They serve lots of people there in the cafeteria and also deliver meals to people who are home-bound. Well, on Thanksgiving morning we are going to put meals together that are to be delivered to shut-ins. I am excited about it actually. I think it'll be a great way to celebrate the day together as a family.
It's been interesting to see the little sacrifices that we will make that day in order to serve and the reactions of some of my family members to those sacrifices. One person was really hesitant to devote 3 hrs to something else on Thanksgiving, and one was sad to miss the Macy's Parade, a tradition for them. I don't think badly of them for thinking of those things and being a bit hesitant, service always requires a bit of sacrifice. However, we all know it's worth it and are happy to serve those less fortunate on a day we celebrate how much we actually have. As evident by the amount of food I'm sure we will stuff ourselves with later that day. :)
I hope to continue this new tradition, especially as Dani gets older and can help too. I want her to never take any of our blessings for granted, even to the food we eat.

10 years ago

Saturday CJ and I made a day trip to the Iowa City area and did some Christmas/grocery/anything shopping. We went to Tanger Outlet mall and Sams Club. We got gifts for several people, Christmas shopping is half done!
At the last minute we decided that the trip would be way to much for Dani and we arranged for the Eagens to take her (thank God for them!!!!!) for the day. She enjoys going there so much more than traipsing around with us. I'm really glad we did that because 1)the day was longer than we had planned but mostly 2)because CJ and I needed the day together. It's been awhile since we've connected like that. You married folk will be able to relate to this. I know marriage has it's ups and downs, but lately we've been going through a down patch. It sucks actually. Knowing it happens doesn't necessarily make it easy to get through.
Saturday, we laughed and talked, not really about anything deep but just easy banter and conversation. We were completely comfortable with each other, no work stress, house cleaning stress, or anything that causes our daily fights. It was lighthearted and free like when we were teenagers (or as close as we will ever get).
On the way home, we realized that ten years ago that weekend was the weekend we went to Coralville Mall (outside Iowa City) and got our promise rings. The weather was even the same. Snow flurries enough to make it pretty but no enough to make driving hazardous. It was a good memory to recall together.

It don't get no better than this

This weekend was full of fun, hard work, but fun all the same. Yesterday was packed full with "Trunk or Treat" preparations. I helped Destiny and a sick Jessie, with getting all the last minute preparations done. I was in charge of all the outside decorations and I thought they looked good. :)
"Trunk or Treat" was a success. A friend of mine said she had 500 pieces of candy and gave out 2 to each kid and she was almost out! The kids enjoyed all the games and we had 15 trunks!!! Not bad for our first year. Look out next year, Jessie's already planning for it. :)
Today was totally different. I didn't have to run around working hard and making sure everything was done and taken care of. I did, however, have a full day. It was Plow Days today at my parents farm. All these farmers from the surrounding areas bring all their antique plows pulled by antique tractors and/or horses. There's food, dirt, and lots of lawn chairs. I took Dani over as soon as I was up and except for her nap time, we were there all day. She ran all around, getting into EVERYTHING but Grammie and PaPa were there to help. Dad walked around with her in his arms a lot today. He is SUCH a proud grandpa! Late in the day she came over to give him a kiss and he turned to one of his farmer friends and said, "It don't get no better than this" Ahhhhh
She'll sleep good tonight.
Please knock on wood for me!!!

little road trip

Yesterday was a good day till about 11:14pm. It was all downhill from there. It didn't start quite as well as I wanted but I guess you can't have everything. :)
Saturdays are supposed to be my morning to sleep in. I couldn't so I was up at 7:30. I went ahead and got up and played with Dani. Then around 9 we took her into the Eagens, who were going to keep her overnight. Then CJ and I went out for breakfast at Hy-Vee. (I love going to breakfast with him. It's such a different feel than dinner) Then I dropped him off at home and went over to Mom's. She's finally back online and needs help figuring out facebook and blogs and stuff. I had lunch with Mom and Dad and came home to get ready for St. Louis.
Chris, CJ's brother, is home from his second tour in Iraq and really really likes hockey. He paid for all of us to go a St. Louis Blues (a professional hockey team) game.
So we left CJ's parents about 3:30 and drove down the to the game that started at 7:30. We barely made it. We stopped twice. Once for gas and the other to eat at Ponderosa's. (gag) However, the game was totally awesome! If you haven't been to a live game, don't say you don't like hockey at all. I can say I don't like watching it on TV but live-it's awesome. Although, I wish I'd read the book "Hockey for Dummies" before we went cuz I was totally lost. However, the lady sitting beside me was really nice. Apparently she volunteers at the stadium at least once a month and was a wealth of knowledge. The only downer of the whole game was during the second period a woman came and sat down right behind me and was screaming so loud she literally gave me a headache. It was ridiculous! She would scream "shoot, shoot" when they were in no position to do so and stuff like that. So I moved during the third period and all was right in the world again. :) Chris even bought Dani and Amos (Dani's cousin) little jersey's. They are so cute!
The game ended at 10:30 and by 10:45 we were on the road. I remember saying at 11:10 that if I could stay this awake (I was driving)I'd be good to go. However, at 11:14 (no joke) I was about asleep. It was like all the adrenaline left my body and there was no turning back. We even stopped at Bowling Green and got coffee and protein but to no avail. I drove all the way back to his parents but it was hell.
We fell into bed at 2:06 this morning and I slept hard till 11. I found I loved hockey (live anyway) but I still wish we could have stayed overnight. That late trip home made the hockey game not worth it. However, if we'd have stayed, I would have nothing but awesome memories of this little road trip.

technique

A funny thing happened to me on Wednesday night...but first I have to give you some back ground.
I grew up loving music and I was blessed enough to go to a high school that had a good music program. I didn't always like Al (my choir director) but he challenged us and that is what I liked most. I certainly would never ever chose to go back to high school but there is ONE thing I miss, being challenged musically. I loved working my butt off on a challenging piece of music! I loved getting every minor detail perfect which was something Al focused on for All-State tryouts and in his top choir which I was part of. The harder the music, the more reward I got out of my hard work. As an adult, who sings Bach? Certainly not me. I miss it! However, on Wednesday night, Chris, a guy at my church who is leading our Christmas choir, introduced us to our music for the first time. It's not Bach but it's closer than most stuff we sing on a weekly basis. I found myself falling back into my old technique habits. Making sure my posture was good, my breathing was correct, my vowels formed properly. I was paying attention to phrasing, dynamics, and all those minor details. I haven't dealt with these details in around 9 years and it all came flooding back to me. Al should be proud! :)
I think I'm going to like choir this Christmas!

marriage relationships

Why is it that we treat our spouse worse than we would a stranger? We would never snap at someone else for eating too loud, being a little late, or whatever else little pet peeve you can think of. We give others so much grace and none to those closest to us.
I heard a story of someone who was talking about something I talk about a lot and it was like someone slapped me across the face with it. I don't remember the context or even where I heard it but I'm going to paraphrase. This man was telling an acquaintance/friend about how much he was learning about God's grace. About how God doesn't kick us when we're down, how God's not this person who only gives us so many chances and that's it, how he loves us even at our worst, etc etc. When he was done, the friend said that it must be wonderful to be your wife and children. How could you learn so much about God's grace and not therefore, be that much more grace-full to those around you? The man stopped and realized all these realizations he'd had, hadn't transferred into his home. He saw how he was supposed to give more grace to the world around him and even to himself, but not to his own family. He said it changed his life.
As Paul said, I am the chief of sinners. I am so ungraceful to CJ. I expect him to always be courteous, even when he's tired and stressed and thoughtful of my feelings at all times, in all situations. When he fails I have very little grace. However, I expect him to be graceful to me. When I'm tired, I get super crabby. Sometimes I just get in a mood and there's no snapping me out of it. I expect him to deal with it and know that it's just because I'm tired, moody, emotional, or whatever else excuse I give. In other words, he needs to give me grace. Most of the time he's pretty good about it, especially the moodiness. He's learned it's just me and I'll snap out of it sometime soon. (just that much more quickly if he shows me the grace I am so obviously needing) There are some situations that push his buttons that he falls short of showing me the grace I need but who doesn't? I certainly do that all the time.
This issue has been brought to the forefront of my mind recently by a movie I went to go see with CJ. It's called Fireproof. If you haven't seen it yet, go. It's wonderful. The most wonderful thing about it wasn't the acting, although that was better than the previous movies, or even that it was a "Christian" movie, all the "Christian" stuff could have been taken away and this part would have still been left. The best part was that it reminded us to appreciate our spouse and treat them like they are they are worthy of love and grace. To hold our tongue instead of spouting off that little jab, to study our spouse again, their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick. Basically to do the things we used to that made them fall in love with us in the first place. How many of our spouses would have fallen in love with us if we treated them then like we do now? After CJ and I went to see Fireproof, we had one of the best dates we've had in years. Probably one of the best since we've been married! It wasn't about where we went or what we did (we went shopping for Dani and went to Carlos O'Kellys) but how we treated each other.
I know our relationships change after marriage, it's inevitable. There is a study that has shown the intensity of feelings can physically not be maintained chemically in our brain. That intense "I must be with them every second of every day" feeling. To try to hold on to those feelings is not realistic at all. But what we can and should but don't keep up is the basic courtesy, the deference to each others feelings, the unselfishness, and outward expressions of love on a daily basis. How many marriages might have been saved if these weren't done away with after the "honeymoon" phase ended?

when your best isn't good enough

What do you do when your best doesn't cut it? Sure beats the heck out of me! As a mom I try hard, but I feel like I'm coming up short quite often. As a wife, I feel like I try hard, I work outside the home, I cook, I clean, and nothing is enough. I don't make enough money, I don't cook enough to avoid eating out and enough for leftovers, and the house still is a mess! Sometimes I feel like throwing up my hands and giving in to my selfish urges and just quit trying. However, I know that won't solve anything so I keep plugging along, forever behind.
Now if it were just me that this affected, I could handle it. However, it doesn't affect just me, if affects my whole family. Obviously, the parenting decisions I make affect Dani a lot and the house and cooking really, really affect CJ as a messy house and money spent eating out stress him out a ton. So what do I do? Do I cut out the time I set aside to care for myself? Should I sacrifice my "down-time" to work on the house, therefore having a cleaner house (and a happier husband) but a more haggard life? Or do I just keep plugging away and hope things get better?
Is there a solution or is this going to always be my life until we're empty nesters? (what a depressing thought)

holding out vs. holding on

I just got done talking to a friend of mine who is struggling with the desire to have a baby at the wrong time. Every time I hear of someone wanting to have a baby and can't reminds me of 5 years of my life. CJ and I wanted a baby so badly for 5 years and couldn't make it happen. Everything we tried failed both financially and physically. Some times we were physically unable to conceive, sometimes financially not prepared. Both ways were difficult to deal with.
One thing I've learned through the process is that when God doesn't answer right away and seems to be "holding out" on you, he's not. He has plans that are for our good. He doesn't hold out to be cruel or even just because he can. God's goodness is beyond our comprehension. He IS good and that applies to all our circumstances. Even the hard to understand ones. God doesn't hold out on us, he holds on to us though our pain and struggle. He holds on to guide us through to the other side.
I once heard it said "The enemy of the best is the good." Having a baby on our schedule is a good thing. Having a baby on God's schedule is the best. Sometimes we jump the gun and take matters into our own hands if at all possible. Usually there is a mess to clean up. And in the matters of children, they are usually the ones to deal with the mess of our lives.
If I had conceived Dani on MY timetable she'd have had to deal with a very selfish, self-centered, immature mother who needed to grow up. I am a vastly different person than what I was 7 years ago when we first started trying to have a baby. Dani is reaping the benefits of God's patience. So is our marriage. I don't think CJ and I would still be married if we'd have had to deal with some of our struggles, complicated by the stress of children. That, or our children would be living in a tense, unloving environment. Thank God he held on to me in my pain of infertility until he was ready to pour out blessings on CJ and I and also Dani. Our marriage is strong, our parenting is mature and Dani has parents who love her deeply.
God isn't holding out, he's holding on.

4-wheeling

When I was kid, I loved being outdoors. I used to leave the house with a picnic lunch and not return till afternoon. I would explore ravines, creekbeds and all the nooks and crannies I could find in the area. I know I ventured off my dad's property many many times but no one cared. I used to see all kinds of wild life and I learned how to determine whether the tracks I'd see were fresh. I did this less and less as I got to be a teenager and got more involved in sports, choir, band and boys but I still love to get out in nature when I can. One of my favorite things to do is go 4-wheeling. I takes me out to many of my old haunts quickly. Plus, since CJ won't ever get a motorcycle, it's the closest thing I have. ;)
Yesterday, a friend came to my dad's property to check out a deer stand and couldn't find it. It turned into a full-out "hunt" to find it. We drove the 4-wheeler everywhere. It was soooo fun! I haven't been out on the 4-wheeler since May. I need to do it more often.

great date

Great guy, great movie, great food...what else do you need for a great date?
Tonight was wonderful! CJ and I went out on a date that lasted all afternoon. We started by dropping Dani off at some friends. They are keeping her overnight for us so we didn't have to worry about how late we could be out and getting her put down on time, etc, etc. Then we went and watched the movie "Fireproof". Talk about romantic! I was in tears several times. It really moved CJ too so the rest of the night he was incredibly romantic with me. It was a date like we used to have before we were married. He opened doors for me and everything! I loved it! Then we did a little shopping at different stores. I know it isn't romantic in and of itself but the mood we were in... anything would have been romantic. We were holding hands, walking close and stealing kisses. Ahhhhhh.
Then we went to Carlos O'Kellys, one of our old time favorites. I'm still stuffed! :)
I am not one of those people that expects marriage to feel like dating. Life gets in the way. We have to work, pay bills, clean house, cook and care for children. However, it is nice to have an evening that touches those old feelings. I think we should start all our future dates with a romantic movie. Sets the mood for the evening!! ;)

Weight update

Slowly but surely plugging along. I've lost 14lbs so far. I don't remember what it was the last time I blogged, it's been awhile. It's so easy to want a quick fix. (are quick fixes always wrong when it comes to weight?) I trying to stay focused but it's hard.

Pride

One thing I've noticed about Republicans is a sense of pride. "I can do it myself, thank you very much, and if I can't I'll die trying." That is why it is rare to find a person below the poverty line that is a republican.
Oppression is a very real thing in this country and those that say otherwise are usually white and male. Which would make sense, they've never experienced oppression in this country's history. But walk through a very poor part of the country or the inner city and you'll see oppression, in many forms (prejudice, racism, sexism, etc) are alive and well.
Now before you let yourself think of all that's wrong with what I'm saying and how you are going to prove it (you know who you are) pause for a second. There ARE people that simply can not buck up and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. And even if they do the best they can with what they have, they wouldn't be able to all they would like to do, all they need to do to ensure their children don't end up like they are. Oh they might be able to finally pay bills, buy a house in a slightly "better" neighborhood so their kids aren't constantly dealing with violence and drugs but that doesn't ensure their kids can go to college (at least without mounds and mounds of debt to overcome) or that they can retire with dignity or even afford quality health care to ensure their families health comes first, not the mortgage or anything else.
The gap in this country is HUGE!!! The rich are Sooo rich and the poor... many are certainly better off than some in the world but that's really not saying much is it? I hear some of the numbers of dollars made by one person, the number of houses they have, cars, toys, square footage, jewelry and on and on and on. It is insane. If the rich would quit focusing on their own pleasure for a second they could do some amazing things in this world. And right now I'm talking to the super rich, (probably none of them read this blog) but I'll talk to the rest of us in a minute. If $30 dollars a month feeds and educates one child a month what would a million a year do? A thousand? Ten thousand? Do you really need another Jaguar? If a child that was starving in a third world country came and saw your collection of houses and cars would you really feel so proud of it? I bet you'd feel a little ashamed of yourself. "I can spend all this on myself but not $30 on you..."
To the rest of us...
I think the USA would be better if the churches really did what they were supposed to do but they don't. If the body of Christ really lived the way Jesus preached. Caring for the sick, poor, widowed, down on their luck kind of folks. We should be first in line to volunteer at food pantries, homeless shelters, crisis pregnancy centers, crisis hotlines, women's shelters, etc etc. Are we? Not really. There are certainly exceptions to this and I've met them but they are unfortunately, a minority. We live in the here and now. We have to deal with the reality as we know it. Yes, the ideal is the church taking care of those people, but they don't, so I'm turning to a very distant second choice rather than ignoring the problem. Whether or not you think I'm wrong I don't care. My heart is right and that I know for sure. I value democracy but not at the expense of people. So don't comment and tell me all about how the government is going to take away democracy. Protecting democracy is not my, nor should it be the church's, goal. My comfort is not my main goal either. Some of the best growth in churches across the would has happened during times of oppression. I certainly hope democracy doesn't go away but it wouldn't end Jesus' mission in our lives. In fact it would probably help us turn our focus off saving the country through politics.
I will say one thing here, I've heard many many times about how I need to do my research and how Obama is a Socialist and how he's going to take away freedom like Stalin and others but we have something in our country unlike in the past. Checks and balances! The president can not come in and change everything to his liking. We have judges and congress to counteract that. Ok, I'm done with this.

hypocritical politics

Yesterday I joined a group on facebook called "Christians for Obama" Today I was looking at my profile and saw that someone had commented on that fact. They said they thought it was hypocritical as a Christian to vote for someone who was for abortion and homosexual rights.
Now first of all, I am not judging this person. He is an older teen in my church and 9 years ago, I was him. So I can no sooner judge him than judge myself. I understand why he believes what he does and why. However, I wholeheartedly disagree.
What I believe is hypocritical, is calling yourself a christian and then doing the exact opposite of what Jesus did while on earth. He deliberately avoided legislating morality. He was challenged all the time on questions that were highly important to the "moral" people of his day. They would be parallel in importance that Christians today give to homosexual rights and abortion. He refused to debate on that level. He always turned the conversation around to talk about what his Father thought was really important. He would talk about loving those who believed different than you, serving those less fortunate, feeding the poor, caring for the sick and so on. He said the world would know who we were by how we love not by how we vote. I am voting for Obama because he has a heart for those that Jesus spoke about, he has good ideas to help them, and they are a priority for him. McCain seems to have other priorities that I don't agree with. The war is a big one. I find it ironic (and hypocritical) that those that most vehemently oppose abortion generally approve of war. (Iraq in particular) Innocent lives are lost everyday in war. How is that different? If we call ourselves pro life we must truly be for life in all ways. Anti-abortion, anti-death penalty, and anti-war. I am pro-life. But the two issues I think can actually be changed in politics right now are not going to be changed with McCain in office. I like Obama's views on reducing abortions. I think that needs to happen before Roe V Wade is overturned. Think about it. What would happen in this country if it was overturned tomorrow. We would have the same number of pregnancies and instead of abortions we would have abandoned, drug addicted, or simply unwanted children. What kind of "life" are we giving those children? I'm not saying this makes it ok to kill them but let's focus on what we can change. Roe V Wade isn't going to get overturned tomorrow but we can love a poor, unwed mother who is struggling with a decision. We could consider adopting a child who's mother made the right decision and gave them up for adoption but no one wants them anymore because they have problems from growing up in an orphanage.
What is more Christian? Protesting outside an abortion clinic or volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center? Protesting at the gay pride parade or befriending a gay person on your block and loving them unconditionally? Which will change the heart of those we are trying to reach? Homosexuality will not go away if we outlaw homosexual unions. People will simply continue living a homosexual lifestyle (that is more turned off to God's message of love by the evangelical right's outright hatred) but they will experience heartaches of not being able to have rights to their loved ones in times of crisis like heterosexuals do. We will simply make hard time worse.
If Christians want to make a statement about the sanctity of marriage then we need to stop getting divorced at the same rate of non-Christians. What's "sacred" about that? When we start doing that, then we might have a platform to start talking about marriage being sacred.
Bottom line is, true change starts within. The only thing that can change the heart is Jesus' love. The only way to show that love is to simply love with no agenda.

closing at work

Tonight was my second night at my new job and the first night I closed. I'm going to close every Thursday night. I found out tonight I will only have one more night of training and then I'll be closing on my own. That would be all well and good if I had a good trainer. I'm am a little scared if next time goes like this time. By the end of the night, the manager was just doing things herself and not showing me what she was doing. Most of the closing duties I didn't even see her do. It was very frustrating. I understand it's midnight and she wants to get out but I have to do this by myself very soon and I hate not feeling like I know what I'm doing.
However, it's not all her fault. There is no training system in place. There's no instructions (written) it's all verbal. So, if I don't remember all her instructions I have nothing to refer to. That is not good!!!!
So I'm more than a little nervous for next week...

proud of me

I heard the words I used to long to hear as I was growing up, "I'm proud of you" from my dad yesterday. Growing up, I was interested in things my dad could have cared less about and personality-wise we are polar opposites. Needless to say, we weren't close. I was the rebel child where as my brother knew he wanted to be a preacher at 15 and was very easy to be proud of. I rarely, if ever, heard that he was proud of me.
I had just led a choir practice at church yesterday afternoon and as we were walking out Dad put his arm on my back and said I had done a good job and he was proud of me. He said I reminded him of himself when he had led choir. I know he's really trying and I have forgiven him for his shortcomings when I was growing up, but those words still touch that little girl in me that used to long to hear those words. It felt good to hear.

working girl

Well, I'm officially a working girl again. Yesterday I got hired at Hy-Vee for two nights a week a 6 and a 8 hr shift. It doesn't pay much but it's more than I'm making now. (nothing) We are trying really hard to save and pay down debt. We are going through Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey again and we want to get back on track.
Years ago before CJ started his Farmers business we had been working on the debt snowball (paying off debt quickly) but once we started the business that all went down the drain. Since then, we've had to deal with some pretty messy finances and the expense of our new baby. Since we moved here I've not been working because my job that was lined up didn't work out. We've been able to pay our bills (most months)but that's it. However, having one of us home with Dani all the time is a very high priority in our book so we've made due. Well, we have been able to work it out with HyVee that I'm going to go in at 4 and CJ is getting off at 4 so I'll be able to hand Dani off to CJ in the parking lot.
In the words of Dave...we're getting "gazelle intense!!!"

my limit

Yesterday was a bad day! In fact this whole week has been awful. The thing that I admire most about CJ's work ethic (how he will do what needs to be done and work hard until it's finished) has caused me to be alone with a sick, cranky baby most of the week. He has a big project at work that will be finished this weekend. I knew this week was coming for awhile but I did not know that Dani would be cranky and clingy the whole time.
Yesterday, CJ was supposed to be off at 1 and didn't get off until 5. During the day, I never got a break from Dani. The first nap she took, I ended up falling asleep so I never got the chance to just relax, recoup, and get ready for the next go 'round. The second nap she took as soon as she was down I went to town to get my hair cut and she was awake before I got back. I know that doesn't sound like much to you guys that are reading this, but before you write me off as dramatic let me tell you something. I NEED those times. If I don't get a chance to relax during naps, I am not nearly as good a mom as I need to be, especially to a sick child. Having someone demand your attention every minute they are awake is the most draining thing I've ever experienced. I can handle it if I get a break. If not, I will hit a wall very quickly. Well, I hit one last night. Luckily, we were able to find someone to watch Dani for us, so CJ and I went to dinner and walked around the mall a bit. It wasn't as much as I wanted but it was enough to hopefully get me through the rest of the week until CJ can be home more regularly, and hopefully, Dani will start feeling better.
If I can handle next week ok, with CJ being home in the evenings and Dani (hopefully) feeling better than I will get the recoup I need next weekend. My mother-in-law left a message with CJ saying they can take Dani next weekend on Saturday and Sunday!!
I love my daughter so much it hurts sometimes but I am not one of those moms who wants to be with her kids 24/7. I need a break. A time to replenish myself so I can be the best mom I can be. I used to feel guilty about that, but I have quit worrying about it. I am who I am and that's ok. If other moms can do it, that's great but I refuse to think I am any less of a great mom than them anymore! (Sometimes I wish this my type of personality was portrayed more in parenting magazines and other types of media more often. Surely, I'm not the only one with this personality)

friendships

Sometimes I wonder if our social lives will ever be the same. For CJ especially. If there is one thing I regret about our move, it's CJ's lack of friends here. CJ is an extrovert even though he's not really outgoing. Meaning, he gets energy and feels better if he spends time with people. Me, I'm an introvert and do just fine without being around people all the time although I am social and need regular interaction. CJ's best friend Daniel had moved from KC by the time we left but he still had several other close friendships that gave him an outlet outside the home that he needs. He doesn't have that here and it makes me sad. Also, we don't have the close "couple" friends that we had there. We had several couples that we would have over late to play cards, watch movies or just hang out. Most of these couples were close enough that we spent most Thanksgivings and other holidays together.
I miss my close friends Ashley and Rebecca. Both held special places in my life. Ashley was more the "classic" best friend, if there is such a thing. We could talk about anything and did. He knew each other since we were little kids and that history just seemed to make us closer. I am not going to go on and on cuz I don't want to cry so I'll move on. Rebecca was such a different person but in such a remarkable way. She looked at the world from such a point of view that I never did and she helped me when I really needed it. We didn't spend as much time together as Ashley and me but there was something incredibly special about our friendship that I know I'll never find again.
CJ and I both don't make friends easy so this has not been easy. I just hope God has something/someone for us both.

my dream

Have you ever had a dream when you were half awake and half asleep? I did yesterday. But because I was half awake, my body was aware and my senses thought I was totally awake. So my brain dreamed something and my senses thought it was actually happening. Not a great start. What I remember is... CJ was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat. Our friend Ben was in the back and Dani was in the car seat. We were going somewhere and all of a sudden came across a flooded road. It was a familiar road to us and I knew there were deep dips in the road coming up where the water covered it. We were in a hurry and now we were going to have to turn around. All of a sudden I feel CJ gun it and I heard myself scream "CJ! No!" (I wonder if I actually said it in my sleep. I've done that before and I felt like I actually said it when I woke up) I squeezed my eyes shut and the next few events I felt rather than saw... We hit the water and I immediately felt the resistance. Then the water went deep and our wheels were no longer on the pavement. Then I felt the van's front come up and we flipped over so the wheels were on top. I felt myself reach over to open the window, wondering if that was the right thing to do and then realized I couldn't let the car flood until I had Dani out of her car seat! I was in a huge panic when I opened my eyes and realized it was a dream. But it felt so real! All that adrenaline was coursing through my veins and my heart was beating fast. I hate those kind of experiences! Don't you?

9/11

We can all remember where we were 7 years ago today. I can see it like it was yesterday. I will watch coverage today and remember like everyone else in this country.
However, I don't want to mourn, I want to celebrate today! This is the 10 year anniversary of CJ and I finally getting together for the final time. We'd been off and on for 2 years prior but on Sept 11, 1998, he kissed me and I knew this was it, for real.
What was different this time? We had spent the prior 6 months becoming best friends. I was actually seriously dating someone else and I wasn't going to cheat and had no desire to do so. I never thought CJ and I would be more than friends again. However, my relationship fell apart but my friendship with CJ remained strong.
CJ was over watching a movie with me that night (Sept 11) and for some reason he kissed me in the middle of it. It was magical. I felt so connected to him, like I'd never felt connected before. It was right and I knew it. Over the next month we waited. We didn't want to rush anything but by October, we knew this was it! We've never looked back and I've never regretted it. I fell in love with my best friend and there's nothing that compares to that.

Fall

Ahhhhh, cool weather, turning leaves, pumpkin patches, hay rides, Halloween. I love fall! I'm already finding myself watching the trees as a drive through the countryside to see if they're turning yet. I know they turn earlier here than they did in KC but I can't remember how much earlier so I'm not taking any chances. At the Rodeo Parade last Saturday, I got handed a flier talking about a Pumpkin patch. I've actually been wondering where one is around here cuz I can't wait to take Dani soon. I took Dani last year but she was just too small to appreciate it. This year she'll be able to walk around and maybe even point to a pumpkin, which we will interpret as her pick. :)
Yeah, I know winter is coming but I just try not to think about that. Fall seems to be here a bit early and I'm going to revel in it while I can.

moments

I have a sign on my wall that says "Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away". I know it's a little cheesy but today it feels true.
Dani can be really tough sometimes now that she's more independent. She is so independent that she fights me all day, every day, every week. It's rare to find a time that she isn't trying to do something herself or frustrated by those things she can't. I know independence can be a good trait to use later in life but for a toddler who is still learning boundaries, it's wearing on the mother.
But God seems to know when I need a "breath-taking" moment. I knew Dani was completely out so I peeked in on her during her nap just a minute ago. I love to see her sleeping cuz she always ends up in a different position and each one is adorable. Usually it's on her side or stomach but today she was facing the door, completely sprawled out on her back. Bear was right by her face and her arm was behind her head. There is no way I'm going to be able to describe to you how love seems to course through my being when I see her sleeping. But it's so strong it always, without fail, makes me cry. It's enough to keep me strong when I should be completely worn out.
Thank you God for the moments that keep me going when the going is tough.

this weekend

Wow. What a busy, yet fun, weekend! I've really been confirmed of why we moved here over the last couple days.
We went to the Rodeo parade on Saturday. We met my mother-in-law and my parents both came. We also had some friends there as well. Dani had a good time seeing all of them. She loves being the center of attention! She actually didn't like the parade like I thought she would. I think it was just too overwhelming to her. But, she had plenty of people there to comfort her and distract her.
Yesterday was Grandparents Day. We had my in-laws up for lunch after church and Dani had a ball. She loves when they come to see us. (her) They are great grandparents and simply dote on her. They stayed for a good 4 hours and Dani didn't want them to leave. But as soon as they left we took her to see her other set of grandparents. That certainly wouldn't have happened in KC! There are a lot of things I've missed since we've moved but Dani has gained so much being near her grandparents. No one but CJ and I love her as much as these dear people.

Dani and poop

OMG! The most disgusting thing just happened today! I had Dani in time-out in her pack-and-play which happens to be right next to her diaper pail. The pail was full and a diaper must have been sitting on top. Long story short, I got up to get her out and found her sitting with a poopy diaper in her lap. It was everywhere! She'd smashed it in her hands it was on her face and in her hair. It was so nasty. I gasped her name pretty loudly and scared her. So the whole time I'm trying to clean her up she's crying and once tried to put her hand in her mouth. I grabbed it and scared her again so she cried even more. The smell was so gross I about threw up. Of course I gave her a bath right away but I still had to clean up the pack and play which was, of course, covered in poop too. Oh my word, I hope this is the last incident with poop ever, ever, ever!!!!

Rebellion

Does anybody else believe there is good rebellion? I personally think the world would be much better off if more people rebelled. There are a lot of things in this world that aren't working but also aren't being changed. The political system, social security, credit cards, and a lot of things in churches. Why does it take planting a new church for a church to be a comfortable place for new comers? Why can't pastors and lay people learn new ways of doing things in order to reach the lost? Isn't that the main goal of a church? Paul said he would do whatever it took to reach the lost or be whoever he needed to be to reach those different from him. I'm sure people he was writing to didn't just skim over those words like we do. That was scandalous! Especially to Jews, the elitists! They were God's chosen people and compromise of Jewish "integrity" was not taken lightly! For those who weren't Jewish, those words would have shown a whole new side of Paul. Someone who did things differently. Someone who cared enough to meet them where they were. Someone who could relate to them in a way they felt comfortable. Someone who didn't care about "tradition" and making the "elite" comfortable. He knew his calling and did whatever it took to show them Jesus' love.
That is what we are supposed to be like! Not all of us are going to become traveling evangelists or great writers or martyrs. But we all need to learn where people are, what they believe, what they struggle with and meet them as they are.
Why do we insist on the same ol', same ol'? Same church services, same dress code...let me stop right there. I hear the argument a lot that dressing up for church shows God we care and revere him when we come to church. Who taught us that lie? God has never cared about our outward appearance! The greatest preacher ever (besides Jesus) wore skins for clothes. John the baptist dressed down even by his own cultures standards. Some of the best dressed people in church are the least caring people I know. They do not imitate Jesus anymore than the one dressed in jeans and a t-shirt because of what they wear. Why do we think the verse that says God doesn't look at the outward appearances but he cares about our heart doesn't apply to church? Since when does a skirt (or suit and/or tie) say how much we love Jesus?
Anyway, sorry about my little tangent there. We are to meet people where they are. How can we do that if we aren't in touch with what they watch, where they go, what they believe, or how they feel about things in their world? Yet the church tells us to avoid places "sinners" go, abhor non-christian music and television, (by the way, "christian" tv is my least favorite ever!) and a 1,2,3, formula for "saving" someone is the only way taught to us of how the lead someone into a relationship with Jesus. Maybe we should rebel against the "traditions" that are only in place for the church goers and start a new ones that will attract unchurched families. It's not about us Church! It's about them! Now we need to act like it.

Fantasy Football

Yesterday we had some friends out for grilling and football. Does it get any more "Labor Day" than that? After stuffing ourselves with brats and hot dogs we turned on the football and started our own Fantasy Football League. We got to draft 20 players. We also got to learn how absolutely clueless I am. I like football. I follow my teams somewhat and I love going to live games. The atmosphere at a football game is better than any sport! However, I know like, 3 players total and I got last pick so I only got 1 player that I was familiar with. Towards the end I just started asking CJ to tell me who to pick. He was a good sport and did it. I just hope he didn't screw me. :) So we'll see how my team does this fall. With my beginners luck I'll probably blow everyone away! Go Rachel!!!

Grace Wholesaler

Phineas Bresee, the man who founded our denomination, was called a grace wholesaler. How many people would say that about members of our denomination now? Yes, we are called unto holiness but holiness means to be like Christ. That does not just mean "to be without sin" The Bible already makes it clear Jesus was the only one "without sin". Jesus doesn't focus on us not sinning, his focus was on us loving God and loving each other. What does loving each other require? Grace! We are imperfect people and we need to give each other grace in our shortcomings. Also, we need to remember in our quest for "holiness" that God has more grace than we can ever use up. Now before you write me off as an abuser of grace, listen for a sec. God wants to be in relationship with us. That is his main goal. He loves us and knows that is what is going to fulfill us. However, when we are willfully living outside his will, our relationship is strained, and it's all our fault. God is not waiting with his bully club, or even a sigh of disappointment. He is simply yearning for the day we see the errors of our ways and come back in relationship with him. He doesn't hold his expectations over our heads and shake his head when we fail, but he does live in expectation of a relationship that is deep and real and rejoices when that relationship is going strong.
So I am in no way advocating sinning with the attitude that "God will forgive me later" but I am completely advocating an attitude that forbids me from beating myself up for sinning. God is not doing so, so why should I? God uses our guilty conscience to convict us many times but feeling guilty is not the same thing as shame. Grace is from God, shame is a devil's lie. Shame says, "Hang your head, you've blown it and God is ashamed of you. You only get so many chances and you may have blown the last one. If it's not the last one, you're at least wearing the ice thinner and thinner, you better be careful that God doesn't get sick of your messing up." (etc etc) How do I know that's what shame says? Because I used to live with shame. Alot! One of the downfalls of growing up in a "holiness" denomination is a child can easily misunderstand and think if they don't meet the standard of "no sin" than they are not doing something right. Grace has to be emphasized just as much as holiness or it gets lopsided very easily. Is it any wonder our teens learn early to put on a facade of "holinesss"? I learned early, I knew all the right answers, the right way to dress and the right way to live (outwardly). I probably look more rebellious now than I did then but I am closer to God now more than ever no matter how I look on the outside. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be anyway? Doesn't God look at the heart?
I could go on and on all day and probably should because I don't think I explained it as well as I should, but I'm not going to.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...

Tad's Birthday

Today would have been my cousin Tad's birthday. A year ago this month, he committed suicide. My mom is meeting with his mom (her sister) today halfway between KC (where my aunt lives) and here. I was talking to my mom about it a couple days ago and I ended up crying. I can not imagine losing Dani. The thought of it takes my breath away. In the midst of the conversation about Tad we were also talking about Steven Curtis Chapman and his family losing his youngest in a car accident. It would be devastating to lose my parents, sibling or especially CJ but I don't know if I could even handle Dani being injured much less killed. "Lord please protect my little girl"

my weekend

The last time I blogged I was feeling rather sick. Well, that lasted far too long but I finally got over it on Friday. So what do I do Saturday? Rest, take it easy??? No way Jose. We decided to go to Coralville and Cedar Rapids and do some shopping. My mom came with us. She ended up buying more than us! It was a long day.
When we finally got to the Coralville mall. We took Dani straight to the kids play area to let her run off some steam after sitting in the car for 1 1/2 hours. She did really well. It was really busy and I ended up wanting to slug some bigger kids who would run right over her and not even stop. I felt like grabbing their arms and dragging them back to make them apologize and help her up. I didn't though. I thought some other mothers might beat me up. :) I think we actually stayed at the playground a little too long cuz Dani was tired by the time we left. We shopped a little at the mall but the main reason we went there was because we have to have our wedding/engagement rings inspected and cleaned every six months to keep up our warranty with Zales. Coralville mall is the closest Zales there is. After the mall we went to Chilli's for lunch. Dani ate so much! I fed her baby food before the meal came cuz she hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was almost 2. Then when we were eating chips and salsa, I gave her Cheerios because when we eat, she cries if we don't feed her too. Then, when the meal came she wanted our food. So we gave her some cheese and chicken and a little bit of steak from my fajita meal. Mom gave her two bites of guachamole too. She loved it!! I couldn't believe how much she ate! More about this later.
Then after lunch, we drove 20 minutes north to Cedar Rapids to go to Sams Club. I had a list and wanted to get in and out in a jiffy. However, Mom and CJ had other ideas. They went down every isle, tried every sample and generally (as my dad likes to say) dilly dallied around. So it was 5:15 before we left Sams!
On the way home, poor Dani had a complete meltdown. She was sick of being in the car but I could tell it was more than that. I think her stomach completely protested all the food and the spiciness of it. The poor thing was completely inconsolable. Even today she's had a horrible time. We finally found some old Mylicon drops from when she was a little baby. They seemed to finally help. (she's also done a lot of farting and burping) I have learned my lesson!
CJ usually works every single Saturday night and I usually have to be at church early every Sunday morning. He actually had that Sat off and this Sun was my one week off in August so we decided to take advantage of all this and have my mom keep Dani overnight. Even though our date didn't get to start until 8, we went out. We went miniature golfing which we haven't done in ages and love to do. I got 3 hole-in-ones! CJ was so jealous! (and I was shocked) Then we went for ice cream instead of dinner cuz we were still full from lunch. It was nice. Plus it was really a rare treat for us both to sleep in and then get ready in 45 minutes. We haven't been able to do that for 14 1/2 months!
This afternoon was nice. We came home from church and I just made chicken salad for lunch and Dani went right down for a nap. We just laid around and watched tv and relaxed. We pretty much did that all afternoon and evening. We did have to deal with a cranky baby when she woke up about 3:30 but we discovered the Mylicon drops and she calmed down.
This week promises to be pretty good. CJ has both Tuesday and Thursday off. I love having him home during the week. So does Dani. Our days are good with just us girls but he makes it great. I know that sounds really cheesy but it's true.

sickness

I am so freakin' sick of being sick or other people in my family being sick! Last night CJ didn't feel good and today I feel like I'm about to collapse into a heap. I feel so weak, my stomach is cramping and upset, my head is spinning with a monster headache and I think I'm running a fever. Thank God he gave a me a reprieve today. I put Dani down about noon for her second nap and she was asleep by 12:30. I was up for about an hour during which I finally ate! I rarely get breakfast with her. As soon as I ate I started to feel really sick and my headache came on so fast, it literally left my head spinning. By 1:30 I couldn't even sit up anymore. The problem with this is Dani is usually up after about 1 1/2 hour. I dragged myself into bed all the while praying that Dani would stay asleep for another hour just to give me some rest. I woke up after about an hour and she was still out! At 3, I called CJ at work and found out he was planning to stay late so I begged him to come home, praying Dani would stay asleep till he got home. He got home by 3:30 and she woke up at 3:37. Over 3 hours!!!! That's insane for her! She never does that! I think God just knew I couldn't handle it by myself.
I hope I feel better tomorrow or it could be a very, very long day

thankful

Tonight I was just sitting here. Thinking about my life since we've moved back to Iowa and I was just overwhelmed with appreciation and love for my husband CJ. So I'm going to brag on him a bit.
He is my hero. He says what he feels, loves those close to him and has complete trust in me. I can be completely open and honest with him and he doesn't judge me or use the info against me ever. In so many ways he's my perfect match. I've realized it more and more since we've moved back here. We've had to depend on each other more since we've left most of our friends and it's been a good thing. We both needed friendship in the worst way over the last few years and God provided them, however, since Dani was born, friendships have changed and taken on a different role in our lives. We are much more focused on our family now.
CJ has gone back to Hy-Vee here in IA and he doesn't have a ton of free time, but he has prioritized really well. He puts his family first and knows how to set limits so we, his girls, don't get jipped of the time we need. He is an incredible father to our little girl! I couldn't ask for a more adoring daddy for her. Her face completely lights up when he gets home for work! She loves him so much and he has earned that love!
As for me and him. I said earlier he is my perfect match... let me clarify that a bit. Our relationship is not perfect. We fight and get incredibly frustrated with each other. We both are yellers and sometimes our fights get loud. However, he is my opposite in all the right ways. He balances me when I need it and reminds me that my way isn't necessarily the right/only way. In fact, most of our similarities are where we get in trouble. We actually wish sometimes we were the opposite of each other in more ways than we already are!
When it boils down to it; he is an amazing man! I am lucky to have married him and I wouldn't have my life with anyone else.

contentment vs. complacency

When does contentment become complacency? I try to be content with what we have even though we barely are making it and some months we don't. I have pursued any jobs that would possibly work with CJ's schedule but nothing has panned out. So I am trusting God to provide money as we need it and he'll bring along the right job when he wants to. (Granted I have to keep my eyes open and pursue it when it comes.) It's just, so far, any job I've pursued, the door has shut in my face. So, I try to be content with what we have and make the budget work even if we cut out a lot. We are not able to make progress on debt like we want to but it's just not possible right now. We barely pay essentials! I want to pay down debt when I finally get a job but until then I am just going to be happy with paying the bills. Is that contentment or complacency?

doctor visits

I feel like I should rent my own room at the hospital lately. I've been taking Dani to the doctor so much recently. Then, today, I had to go myself. I got this really sore raised bump on the left, top side of my left foot. Plus, my ankle is a little swollen. I noticed it last night and overnight it got much worse. Not so much more swollen but much more sore. So I called about a million doctors offices and finally found one that was accepting new patients AND had an opening for today. (CJ was off and I didn't want to try to limp around taking care of Dani in yet another Dr office) Long story short, I have "tendinitis" in my foot. The tendon that flexes and pulls the foot inward is inflamed and very sore. I have no idea how it got inflamed but here I am in a very hot, uncomfortable boot in the middle of summer. Hopefully, it will get better soon.

sick baby

Having a sick baby is so hard! Dani is so sick again! I took her to the doctor today and he said her infection is clearing up but she's got the flu now. So she's running another high fever, she threw up 3 times last night until she was just dry heaving and she's had diarrhea for 3 days now. I thought the diarrhea was just from the antibiotic. Nope, now I know. I really think I've been fighting this same bug for awhile now so I'm really really struggling with exhaustion. Like, right now, I soooo want to go take a nap while she is sleeping. But I know, if I do, I'll never sleep tonight. Happens every time! I just hope the flu goes away quickly and with the infection clearing up, I want her to feel better!

Good news

My good news today is two fold. One Dani is doing better. She's definitely not herself yet but she's feeling much better than she was Saturday. Also, I've lost 8 lbs so far!
To be honest it doesn't feel too real. I haven't done as much change as I want/need to yet. I haven't gotten into a exercise routine. I can count on one hand how many time's I've exercised. And although I have been eating better, I've not been nearly as good as I want/need to be. Really, I think the biggest change is simply I haven't been eating out nearly as much. Mostly that's been for money reasons but it's been obviously helping the diet too. hmmmmm, that's a nice discovery. Although, I've hated cooking so much. Me and the kitchen are not friends! :)

complexity of God

I was impressed yet again of how God deals with us each individually. We all worship in different ways, he speaks to us in different ways and we all grow in relationship with him in completely different ways. Why do we think there is only one good way to worship, pray and grow? Ever notice how people can be soooo completely different from others? Even in the same church, SS class, or even family. God made us all in his image. He is so complex he needed/wanted to make us all individuals. He is so many things and he can relate to us intimately because he has those same personality traits.
Today he showed me again how he speaks to me in music. I used to think this was bad because a lot of preachers or leaders would write off the emotional "meeting" I had with God during worship as just emotions and they would never bring real change. I beg to differ. I am never closer to God as when I am singing and this doesn't even have to worship songs, or even Christian music for that matter. I believe the most beautiful way he relates to me is through music. That is a small part of his personallity and he made is a big part of mine. I find comfort, awe, desire, and love for him in music and it doesn't leave me once the song is over! It's not (just) an emotional "high" for me. It's real communication and relationship with my Creator.

worst day ever

This day may go down in history as one of my worst days as a mother. Last night, Dani woke up with a 103.1 fever and woke up about 4 times total through out the night. She was a wreck, therefore so was I. I got no sleep cuz I got up with her everytime since CJ had to work today and when I finally got back in bed, I had the hardest time going back to sleep. And not only did she get up 4 times last night she cried out in her sleep a ton. So once I got to sleep I would get woke up by her crying! That's not even the worst part.
Today I took her to the doctor. The only time they could get me in was right at the start of her naptime but I took it. The doctor got called to the hospital for a delivery so all the appts were delayed. So poor Dani, sick and hungry (I didnt' have enough food) and tired, waited and waited. The doctor finally saw us and after examining her decided we needed some tests done. We tested her for an UTI. Which, a catheter and a 14 month old combined, is about as bad as it gets. Then they had to do a whole blood workup. The nurses were great but they couldnt' get the vein cuz Dani was so tense. She was crying so hard I about lost it. Luckily it was a good nurse and she didn't take the needle out, she just tried moving it around so she wouldn't have to stick Dani again. Finally, finally, she got the blood they needed. Then we had to wait for an hour while the lab processed it. Dani was so miserable and so was I. Finally, we get the results back and they arent' good, but they also don't tell us much. She has an infection "somewhere" her white blood cell counts are elevated and CRP (it stands for something something protein) numbers were high. So they've started her on an anti-biotic and if she's not better by Monday I have to take her in again. No matter how she's feeling, I have to take her in again Wednesday to have the CRP levels checked again. More blood tests, yeah!
While we were waiting for the results, Dani finally crashed and was trying to sleep on me which she hasnt' done since she was 6 months old. But everytime a door slammed or a child cried she would startle and would have to be calmed down. Talk about draining. I sang to her almost the whole hour we waited. It was the only thing that kept her calm. For about a 15 minute interval I really started to panic. I started thinking about the fact that many many parents receive bad news everyday. Their child has cancer or some other serious illness. I started crying and really had to pull it together cuz I couldn't sing and it upset Dani. I am still scared and if I let myself think about it I start crying all over again. I know God can heal Dani if it turns out to be my worst nightmare but I also know sometimes he doesn't heal like we want. I know that and am at peace with that for the most part but it's never been my baby.
If this antibiotic doesn't work, I'm really scared we could be faced with a serious situation next week. I'm really trying to trust God and accept what comes. I'm also trying to not get worked up cuz it could be nothing but a sinus infection that will immediately clear up. Let's hope it is. Hopefully this will continue to reign as my worst day as a mother for a long long time.

parented again

I am so grateful that my parents are generous, giving people. But sometimes it is hard when I feel "parented" by them again. I was one of those teenagers that didn't want told what to do anyway, so to have it still done as an adult is really, really tough to take.
My parents have been incredibly generous since we've moved back. They've helped us a lot, even financially some. So my main struggle is I feel I can't talk to them about their comments because in a way they are "parenting" me again. Ya know, as a teen I never completely understood why their comments galled me so much and as an adult I haven't had to deal with comments so it wasn't an issue. It's a little disheartening to see me react in the same way to comments that are meant to help or guide. But my strong willed, rebellious spirit rears it ugly head every single time. I have to bite my tongue every time they say something. Is it me that's wrong to react that way or should they stop "parenting" me even as they help us occasionally.

as a mother

I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes as a mother. Right now I am sitting here trying to ignore my daughter as she is screaming at the top of her lungs in her crib. I made the mistake of going in and picking up her bear off the floor because she was having a terrible time going to sleep. She would nod off but then cry out because he wasn't with her. So I thought... "If I can just get in there and hand him to her she'll probably go right out" Um, no! She's been screaming ever since because I didn't get her out.
I make decisions everyday for Dani and CJ usually leaves most of them to me since I'm with her everyday, all day. Should we switch to milk now? How much mixed with formula? How fast do we replace the formula until it's all milk. What will she wear today? Does she need a bath today? Does she have an ear infection or is it just teething? Should we take her to the doctor or just wait another day? Is she ready for a nap? Why is she crying in her crib? Should go in or should we wait a bit and see if she goes to sleep? Why is she rejecting the food I'm giving her while signing she's wanting to eat? What should I feed her instead? Is she getting the right nutrition? Can she eat this size of bite or is it too big? and on and on and on. I seem to always the the decision maker whenever there is a question concerning Dani. I know, I know, I am with her all day and therefore probably know the answer better than anyone else but sometimes I get tired of always being responsible for someone else's well being. Why? Because usually I don't know more than anyone else! I'm just guessing too and if I make the wrong decision then everyone has to live with the consequences, including the innocent victim here, Dani. I know now why parents always feel guilty if their kids don't turn out "right". Because everyday the parents have probably felt like they've made wrong decisions and now those kids are "proving" them right.
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and husband!! I love them so much some days it hurts. But when I hear women gush about how they love being a mom and it is the best thing they've ever done and how they wouldn't change it for the world, I wonder if I'm the only one who feels completely inadequate and tired out by it all. Caring for a husband and child everyday of your life is hard! I know that CJ is not another child to care for and he doesn't make me to feel that way (most of the time) but he needs love and care just like I do. The difference is he hasn't been already doing that all day when he gets home. I know, I know, he's been working all day but that's usually a physical tiredness. What I'm talking about is a emotional exhaustion. Like, you have nothing more to give, you're just waiting for Saturday so maybe Mom can take Dani for a couple hours and then you find out she can't so you get no break and you have no idea when you're going to be able rejuvinate but you continue to love your family like they need. So you run on empty for days, just doing the best you can. Then you make stupid decisions like going in a picking up the darn bear. Let me tell ya, listening to your daughter cry for you is the most draining thing ever. But when you're rung dry, what's left anyway?

My weight

I am not going to post my weight on my very public blog but I am going to talk about it. I need to lose weight. I have for a long time. I have never been able to and now my parents have offered some incentives to help me and give me an extra boost of motivation during tough times.
I have a hard time not being bitter sometimes about my weight. I was "tested" for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 15. Back then, all they did was do an ultrasound to check and see if your ovaries we covered in cysts. Mine weren't so they said I didn't have it. They also tested me for thyroid problems. When my thyroid test came back it was fine but my insulin levels were high. Right then and there I should have been tested for insulin resistance, a condition that causes weight loss and PCOS, and a whole host of problems.
Needless to say I gained weight over the next 9 years like it was nobodies business. Finally, after being on my millionth diet and gaining 5 pounds I decided I needed to go to the doctor. Gasp, I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. This also explained the hell CJ and I had been going through trying to have a baby and coming up empty for years. I found out from this doctor how insulin resistance causes your body to store fat and never burn it. Thus the body has no energy but tons of fat layers. If I had been diagnosed back when I was 15, I would be at least 100 lbs lighter and probably have more children.
However, I have to deal with the here and now. I am what weight I am and I have to go from here. I'm setting a goal to lose 50 lbs over the next year. That's about 1 lb a week which is what Drs. tend to recommend. I hope that having accountablity and the incentives my parents are offering will help me do what I've never been able to do... Get to a healthy weight.

Sunday School Class

Our new Sunday School class just started Sunday. We only had one family show but I think next week there will probably be at least three more. I had two families that had signed up and just forgot it started this week and another woman talked to me about trying it out. I think it's going to be a good group to start with. Definitely a variety.

I soooo want this group to be different than just your typical SS class. I want us to be tight so we can help each other through some crap we are or will be going through. Then, through our closeness, I want us to reach out to others in our community. I really hope service projects, charity work, etc will be a regular activity for us. The first one I've thought of is to find some elderly shut ins or almost shut-ins and do yard work this fall when all the leaves are falling and lawns typically need a lot of work.

Inside the church I see us being leaders too. There is a lot of talk in our church, (as in most churches) about what's wrong, what needs to change and how we aren't as effective as we should be. I envision our class as those that will start doing things that need done to make our church what it can be. I'm hoping if we, as a group, get passionate about reaching out to our community in effective and new ways that it will catch on in the church. I see alot of potential but a lot of apathy in our church and I think we just need to be reminded to be like Jesus. Not to have Jesus feed me, revive my spirits, serve my needs. But to feed others, revive others' spirits, serve others' needs.
This area of Iowa has a lot of low income families. We have a lot of opportunities to serve them. But we can't expect them to come to us. We have to go to them and meet them where there at.

One very important dream I have it a ministry call "Angel Food Ministries" It was everywhere in KC where we moved from. Here? The closest one is in IL about 2 hrs away. Angel Food is a program where anyone can order a box of food valued at about $60-$70 for $30. That's a big deal for people struggling to make ends meet. There's no income requirement, no limit to # of boxes. This could be a great way to serve the people in our community with no strings attached. Plus, as an added bonus, for every box the church sells, the ministry donates $1 to the church's benevolence fund. (the fund the churches uses to help those in need) So we'd have a bigger fund to help more people.

I have a lot of ideas that I hope to start with this group. I know we won't be able (or willing for that matter) to do it all by ourselves. But maybe, just maybe, we can show the church what we believe Jesus would have us doing and they'll want to join in.

why?

Why am I doing this? I got the idea from my brother. His blog is how my family keeps up with him. I really don't need my blog for that reason as much as him but I like the idea of being able to "diary" things I'm learning and doing. A lot is changing in my life. My little girl, Dani, changes everyday. I'm learning so much in my walk with Christ. I'm getting involved in a new church and participating/leading some new things that are happening there. To top it all off, my parents have challenged me to lose weight before a cruise in less than two years. I have struggled with weight my whole life and am still struggling with it! Maybe if I write down my feelings and/or struggles I'll see more clearly why I have struggled so much.
So this blog will hopefully be my outlet for struggles, a diary of sorts and a source of communication with my friends and family. Enjoy!