Reflective

Honestly, I'm not sure what this blog entry is going to be about...  I feel like I want to put my feelings to "paper" but I'm not quite sure what exactly I'm feeling...

I'm thinking about my life, the changes that have happened recently and not-so-recently and where we are headed. 

I'm thinking about Dani, my spit-fire of a daughter that is asleep in the next room.  I'm thinking about how Dani entering our life changed our future so dramatically.  We moved back to Iowa (which we said we'd never do) we worry about money and we depend on my parents more than we ever did as newlyweds.  However, we also sometimes just sit and marvel at this incredible human being that is in our lives.  We laugh at the cute things she says and does.  We feel a love for someone that is even more profound, deep and selfless than we have for each other.  We learn about God's love by watching her through our own eyes. 

I'm thinking about the love on my life, CJ.  This past week I saw a side of him I haven't seen in years.  His depression seemed to have lifted (thanks in no small part to an old friend) for a while to allow me to see the man I fell in love with 13 years ago.  I saw his heart, sensitivity and kindness that I have missed for a very long time.  Don't get me wrong, please.  I love him even when I don't always see "the man I fell in love with".  Even with his depression firmly in place (which for most that have chronic depression-it usually is) he is a man worthy of respect, love and admiration.  I love him more today that I did 13, 10, 5 or even 2 years ago.  The depression presents challenges but none that make me question that he is the man I want to wake up next to until the day I just don't wake up.  He is faithful, loyal, honest, hardworking, forgiving, talented, and sexy.  If the depression is something I have to deal with to be with him, that's ok with me.  I'd rather deal with that than some issues I see friends deal with with their husbands or wives.  He never gives me a moments hesitation that he is committed to me and our little girl.  He never deliberately hurts those he loves and he is quick to say he's sorry for undeliberate hurts.  I love him so much.

I'm thinking about our life now.  The good and the bad.  Our move from Olathe has had many ups and downs.  We wouldn't trade our life in Olathe for anything for Dani's sake.  She is close to all of her grandparents.  She sees them regularly and receives so much love from them.  I never had that.  I was not close to my grandparents at all and I smile when I see my parents and in-laws love on Dani each time they see her.  Moving was the best thing we could have done for Dani.  For CJ and me however, it's been difficult.  We left many friends, a vibrant and healthy church and a totally different lifestyle.  We have yet to feel at home here in many ways. 

I'm thinking about the future.  Dani starts preschool in the fall-she's growing up so fast.  Our views differ greatly from the church we attend and the gap just seems to be widening-will we still be there in 2 years?  We still miss our closest friends-will we ever find friends as good as we had in Olathe?  Dani's such a spitfire-what will she be like in 2, 10, 15 years?  We've decided to avoid the heartache of more years of infertility-will we regret only having one child? 

So many feelings running through my heart tonight.    

Vacation

WE ARE IN TENNESSEE!

We are visiting our friends Daniel and Laura Meadow outside Nashville, TN.  Yesterday CJ, Dani and I visited the Nashville Zoo.

We got a great show at the Elephant area.

                                          

You can't see it really well but there was a huge elephant right behind us!

Me and Dani at the giraffes

Riding the "train"

The Carousel was her reward for being good that day

It was flippin' HOT!  It was about 100 degrees and humid but we still had fun :)  I'll hopefully blog more but right now I just wanted to add some pics.

11 Year Anniversary

I was 19.  CJ had just turned 23 four days before.  We were best friends turned friends in love and had spent the last 18 months planning our perfect wedding.  We invited all our friends and family and had 300 guests.  I spent the morning getting ready at the church, along with my mom and bridesmaids.  I was relaxed and confident that the day was going to perfect. It was. 

At 11am, CJ and I saw each other for the first time in the sanctuary as I walked down the isle alone to where he was standing on stage.  I know people were peeking through the windows in the back but it was a private moment between my soon-to-be husband and his bride.  Pictures (millions of them) would start in 15 minutes but we were in our own little world.  I don't remember what we talked about but I remember how ridiculously happy I was the whole time.  Our photographer discreetly took some pictures before she gave us our privacy and both of us are beaming at each other.  My favorite wedding picture is from this time. 

Fast forward through pictures and lunch and it's 2pm--time for the ceremony.  We had tons of music; 5 songs plus the processional and recessional music.  The ceremony was just over an hour but I thought it passed in minutes.  5 songs leave a lot of time to just stand there but those times were my favorite parts of the ceremony.  Of course, I loved to say our vows and hear the words passed down from generation to generation but during the songs we just talked.  People told us later how they thought we'd never shut up!  I didn't care!  We were having a ball!  On our video I love seeing us laugh and joke with each other.  I looked like I slept with a hanger in my mouth my smile was so big, lol.  I DO remember some of what we said, but not most of it.  But again, I remember how ridiculously happy I was through the whole ceremony.  I cried (everybody cried) during my "Daddy" song but never again the ceremony.  (CJ cried more than I did :))  I was too stinkin' happy! 

On June 17, 2000 I married my best friend.  I love him more today, 11 years later.  We've weathered many ups and downs but we've come out on the other side stronger and more committed.  Love you C.  With all my heart.     

A needed break

Well, it's been a while.  A long while.  But a much needed break.  If you read back a couple entries, you know I had a lot going on in my life.  Lots of drama, and I don't do drama well.  My "blog mind" kinda shut down.  Every time I'd think about blogging I'd clam up so I figured I needed to stop for awhile. 
Lately, I've been wanting to write again, so here I am. 
 
Life is hectic but full right now.  This week is full of special days.  Saturday was Dani's birthday party, Monday was CJ's birthday, Wednesday is Dani's actual birthday, Friday is our 11th wedding anniversary AND we leave for vacation in TN.  Busy, busy week (we will also celebrate fathers day on the next Sunday).  I'm a little frantic but loving it.  Our good friends Ben and Josie have made it a little easier for me by keeping Dani yesterday night and all day today. I'm actually going to leave as soon as I'm done here to go get her.  CJ and I were able to go out last night to celebrate his 34th birthday and today I worked on laundry and packing for vacation.  So thanks Ben and Josie!!!

Vacation is almost here and we are READY!!! We are going to visit some good friends (that we miss dreadfully) that live outside Nashville.  Daniel and Laura Meadow were our closest friends when we lived in KC.  Then they moved :(  We miss them a lot, did I say that already?  We unfortunately are not as close now as we were then but we know they are there when we need them or vice versa.  They are some of the few people we call when we have a huge problem and luckily we've been able to return the favor a few times.  Love, love, love them!  Can't wait to see them again!

My other good friend, Ashley Vance has moved to Florida.  Stinkin' Florida!  Soooooo far away and I miss her dearly.  I saw her a lot when they lived in MN (she visited a lot) and then she actually lived here in Burlington for 2 months before she moved to FL.  I got spoiled let me tell ya.  I miss her laugh, funny faces and sarcastic, irreverent sense of humor.  I love that girl and hate that I can't jump on a plane this very instant to give her a hug.  I know we will stay close ( I call her all the time :)) but it's just not the same. 

Dani is doing well.  She is finally POTTY TRAINED!!!!!!  I don't know if I blogged previously about the fact that she finally decided it was time or not.  But my little girl finally figured that she wasn't going to fight that battle anymore and she gave in!  Yeah!  I don't miss diapers in the least!  She's going to turn 4 tomorrow and I can't believe it.  AND she's going to start preschool in the fall.  This should not be.  I love her more each day and can't believe my baby is going to be going to school.  She's so cute but sassy.  Her attitude is our battle now.  Not really arrogant or whatever, but just defiant when she doesn't want to do something.  Telling me that she's not going to do something I asked her to do, things like that.  But I guess that's normal.  :)

I have a lot more in my head but they will all take their own blog posts so I'm going to close for now.  Later!