Reflective

Honestly, I'm not sure what this blog entry is going to be about...  I feel like I want to put my feelings to "paper" but I'm not quite sure what exactly I'm feeling...

I'm thinking about my life, the changes that have happened recently and not-so-recently and where we are headed. 

I'm thinking about Dani, my spit-fire of a daughter that is asleep in the next room.  I'm thinking about how Dani entering our life changed our future so dramatically.  We moved back to Iowa (which we said we'd never do) we worry about money and we depend on my parents more than we ever did as newlyweds.  However, we also sometimes just sit and marvel at this incredible human being that is in our lives.  We laugh at the cute things she says and does.  We feel a love for someone that is even more profound, deep and selfless than we have for each other.  We learn about God's love by watching her through our own eyes. 

I'm thinking about the love on my life, CJ.  This past week I saw a side of him I haven't seen in years.  His depression seemed to have lifted (thanks in no small part to an old friend) for a while to allow me to see the man I fell in love with 13 years ago.  I saw his heart, sensitivity and kindness that I have missed for a very long time.  Don't get me wrong, please.  I love him even when I don't always see "the man I fell in love with".  Even with his depression firmly in place (which for most that have chronic depression-it usually is) he is a man worthy of respect, love and admiration.  I love him more today that I did 13, 10, 5 or even 2 years ago.  The depression presents challenges but none that make me question that he is the man I want to wake up next to until the day I just don't wake up.  He is faithful, loyal, honest, hardworking, forgiving, talented, and sexy.  If the depression is something I have to deal with to be with him, that's ok with me.  I'd rather deal with that than some issues I see friends deal with with their husbands or wives.  He never gives me a moments hesitation that he is committed to me and our little girl.  He never deliberately hurts those he loves and he is quick to say he's sorry for undeliberate hurts.  I love him so much.

I'm thinking about our life now.  The good and the bad.  Our move from Olathe has had many ups and downs.  We wouldn't trade our life in Olathe for anything for Dani's sake.  She is close to all of her grandparents.  She sees them regularly and receives so much love from them.  I never had that.  I was not close to my grandparents at all and I smile when I see my parents and in-laws love on Dani each time they see her.  Moving was the best thing we could have done for Dani.  For CJ and me however, it's been difficult.  We left many friends, a vibrant and healthy church and a totally different lifestyle.  We have yet to feel at home here in many ways. 

I'm thinking about the future.  Dani starts preschool in the fall-she's growing up so fast.  Our views differ greatly from the church we attend and the gap just seems to be widening-will we still be there in 2 years?  We still miss our closest friends-will we ever find friends as good as we had in Olathe?  Dani's such a spitfire-what will she be like in 2, 10, 15 years?  We've decided to avoid the heartache of more years of infertility-will we regret only having one child? 

So many feelings running through my heart tonight.