Yesterday was a good day till about 11:14pm. It was all downhill from there. It didn't start quite as well as I wanted but I guess you can't have everything. :)
Saturdays are supposed to be my morning to sleep in. I couldn't so I was up at 7:30. I went ahead and got up and played with Dani. Then around 9 we took her into the Eagens, who were going to keep her overnight. Then CJ and I went out for breakfast at Hy-Vee. (I love going to breakfast with him. It's such a different feel than dinner) Then I dropped him off at home and went over to Mom's. She's finally back online and needs help figuring out facebook and blogs and stuff. I had lunch with Mom and Dad and came home to get ready for St. Louis.
Chris, CJ's brother, is home from his second tour in Iraq and really really likes hockey. He paid for all of us to go a St. Louis Blues (a professional hockey team) game.
So we left CJ's parents about 3:30 and drove down the to the game that started at 7:30. We barely made it. We stopped twice. Once for gas and the other to eat at Ponderosa's. (gag) However, the game was totally awesome! If you haven't been to a live game, don't say you don't like hockey at all. I can say I don't like watching it on TV but live-it's awesome. Although, I wish I'd read the book "Hockey for Dummies" before we went cuz I was totally lost. However, the lady sitting beside me was really nice. Apparently she volunteers at the stadium at least once a month and was a wealth of knowledge. The only downer of the whole game was during the second period a woman came and sat down right behind me and was screaming so loud she literally gave me a headache. It was ridiculous! She would scream "shoot, shoot" when they were in no position to do so and stuff like that. So I moved during the third period and all was right in the world again. :) Chris even bought Dani and Amos (Dani's cousin) little jersey's. They are so cute!
The game ended at 10:30 and by 10:45 we were on the road. I remember saying at 11:10 that if I could stay this awake (I was driving)I'd be good to go. However, at 11:14 (no joke) I was about asleep. It was like all the adrenaline left my body and there was no turning back. We even stopped at Bowling Green and got coffee and protein but to no avail. I drove all the way back to his parents but it was hell.
We fell into bed at 2:06 this morning and I slept hard till 11. I found I loved hockey (live anyway) but I still wish we could have stayed overnight. That late trip home made the hockey game not worth it. However, if we'd have stayed, I would have nothing but awesome memories of this little road trip.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
technique
A funny thing happened to me on Wednesday night...but first I have to give you some back ground.
I grew up loving music and I was blessed enough to go to a high school that had a good music program. I didn't always like Al (my choir director) but he challenged us and that is what I liked most. I certainly would never ever chose to go back to high school but there is ONE thing I miss, being challenged musically. I loved working my butt off on a challenging piece of music! I loved getting every minor detail perfect which was something Al focused on for All-State tryouts and in his top choir which I was part of. The harder the music, the more reward I got out of my hard work. As an adult, who sings Bach? Certainly not me. I miss it! However, on Wednesday night, Chris, a guy at my church who is leading our Christmas choir, introduced us to our music for the first time. It's not Bach but it's closer than most stuff we sing on a weekly basis. I found myself falling back into my old technique habits. Making sure my posture was good, my breathing was correct, my vowels formed properly. I was paying attention to phrasing, dynamics, and all those minor details. I haven't dealt with these details in around 9 years and it all came flooding back to me. Al should be proud! :)
I think I'm going to like choir this Christmas!
I grew up loving music and I was blessed enough to go to a high school that had a good music program. I didn't always like Al (my choir director) but he challenged us and that is what I liked most. I certainly would never ever chose to go back to high school but there is ONE thing I miss, being challenged musically. I loved working my butt off on a challenging piece of music! I loved getting every minor detail perfect which was something Al focused on for All-State tryouts and in his top choir which I was part of. The harder the music, the more reward I got out of my hard work. As an adult, who sings Bach? Certainly not me. I miss it! However, on Wednesday night, Chris, a guy at my church who is leading our Christmas choir, introduced us to our music for the first time. It's not Bach but it's closer than most stuff we sing on a weekly basis. I found myself falling back into my old technique habits. Making sure my posture was good, my breathing was correct, my vowels formed properly. I was paying attention to phrasing, dynamics, and all those minor details. I haven't dealt with these details in around 9 years and it all came flooding back to me. Al should be proud! :)
I think I'm going to like choir this Christmas!
Monday, October 20, 2008
marriage relationships
Why is it that we treat our spouse worse than we would a stranger? We would never snap at someone else for eating too loud, being a little late, or whatever else little pet peeve you can think of. We give others so much grace and none to those closest to us.
I heard a story of someone who was talking about something I talk about a lot and it was like someone slapped me across the face with it. I don't remember the context or even where I heard it but I'm going to paraphrase. This man was telling an acquaintance/friend about how much he was learning about God's grace. About how God doesn't kick us when we're down, how God's not this person who only gives us so many chances and that's it, how he loves us even at our worst, etc etc. When he was done, the friend said that it must be wonderful to be your wife and children. How could you learn so much about God's grace and not therefore, be that much more grace-full to those around you? The man stopped and realized all these realizations he'd had, hadn't transferred into his home. He saw how he was supposed to give more grace to the world around him and even to himself, but not to his own family. He said it changed his life.
As Paul said, I am the chief of sinners. I am so ungraceful to CJ. I expect him to always be courteous, even when he's tired and stressed and thoughtful of my feelings at all times, in all situations. When he fails I have very little grace. However, I expect him to be graceful to me. When I'm tired, I get super crabby. Sometimes I just get in a mood and there's no snapping me out of it. I expect him to deal with it and know that it's just because I'm tired, moody, emotional, or whatever else excuse I give. In other words, he needs to give me grace. Most of the time he's pretty good about it, especially the moodiness. He's learned it's just me and I'll snap out of it sometime soon. (just that much more quickly if he shows me the grace I am so obviously needing) There are some situations that push his buttons that he falls short of showing me the grace I need but who doesn't? I certainly do that all the time.
This issue has been brought to the forefront of my mind recently by a movie I went to go see with CJ. It's called Fireproof. If you haven't seen it yet, go. It's wonderful. The most wonderful thing about it wasn't the acting, although that was better than the previous movies, or even that it was a "Christian" movie, all the "Christian" stuff could have been taken away and this part would have still been left. The best part was that it reminded us to appreciate our spouse and treat them like they are they are worthy of love and grace. To hold our tongue instead of spouting off that little jab, to study our spouse again, their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick. Basically to do the things we used to that made them fall in love with us in the first place. How many of our spouses would have fallen in love with us if we treated them then like we do now? After CJ and I went to see Fireproof, we had one of the best dates we've had in years. Probably one of the best since we've been married! It wasn't about where we went or what we did (we went shopping for Dani and went to Carlos O'Kellys) but how we treated each other.
I know our relationships change after marriage, it's inevitable. There is a study that has shown the intensity of feelings can physically not be maintained chemically in our brain. That intense "I must be with them every second of every day" feeling. To try to hold on to those feelings is not realistic at all. But what we can and should but don't keep up is the basic courtesy, the deference to each others feelings, the unselfishness, and outward expressions of love on a daily basis. How many marriages might have been saved if these weren't done away with after the "honeymoon" phase ended?
I heard a story of someone who was talking about something I talk about a lot and it was like someone slapped me across the face with it. I don't remember the context or even where I heard it but I'm going to paraphrase. This man was telling an acquaintance/friend about how much he was learning about God's grace. About how God doesn't kick us when we're down, how God's not this person who only gives us so many chances and that's it, how he loves us even at our worst, etc etc. When he was done, the friend said that it must be wonderful to be your wife and children. How could you learn so much about God's grace and not therefore, be that much more grace-full to those around you? The man stopped and realized all these realizations he'd had, hadn't transferred into his home. He saw how he was supposed to give more grace to the world around him and even to himself, but not to his own family. He said it changed his life.
As Paul said, I am the chief of sinners. I am so ungraceful to CJ. I expect him to always be courteous, even when he's tired and stressed and thoughtful of my feelings at all times, in all situations. When he fails I have very little grace. However, I expect him to be graceful to me. When I'm tired, I get super crabby. Sometimes I just get in a mood and there's no snapping me out of it. I expect him to deal with it and know that it's just because I'm tired, moody, emotional, or whatever else excuse I give. In other words, he needs to give me grace. Most of the time he's pretty good about it, especially the moodiness. He's learned it's just me and I'll snap out of it sometime soon. (just that much more quickly if he shows me the grace I am so obviously needing) There are some situations that push his buttons that he falls short of showing me the grace I need but who doesn't? I certainly do that all the time.
This issue has been brought to the forefront of my mind recently by a movie I went to go see with CJ. It's called Fireproof. If you haven't seen it yet, go. It's wonderful. The most wonderful thing about it wasn't the acting, although that was better than the previous movies, or even that it was a "Christian" movie, all the "Christian" stuff could have been taken away and this part would have still been left. The best part was that it reminded us to appreciate our spouse and treat them like they are they are worthy of love and grace. To hold our tongue instead of spouting off that little jab, to study our spouse again, their likes and dislikes, what makes them tick. Basically to do the things we used to that made them fall in love with us in the first place. How many of our spouses would have fallen in love with us if we treated them then like we do now? After CJ and I went to see Fireproof, we had one of the best dates we've had in years. Probably one of the best since we've been married! It wasn't about where we went or what we did (we went shopping for Dani and went to Carlos O'Kellys) but how we treated each other.
I know our relationships change after marriage, it's inevitable. There is a study that has shown the intensity of feelings can physically not be maintained chemically in our brain. That intense "I must be with them every second of every day" feeling. To try to hold on to those feelings is not realistic at all. But what we can and should but don't keep up is the basic courtesy, the deference to each others feelings, the unselfishness, and outward expressions of love on a daily basis. How many marriages might have been saved if these weren't done away with after the "honeymoon" phase ended?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
when your best isn't good enough
What do you do when your best doesn't cut it? Sure beats the heck out of me! As a mom I try hard, but I feel like I'm coming up short quite often. As a wife, I feel like I try hard, I work outside the home, I cook, I clean, and nothing is enough. I don't make enough money, I don't cook enough to avoid eating out and enough for leftovers, and the house still is a mess! Sometimes I feel like throwing up my hands and giving in to my selfish urges and just quit trying. However, I know that won't solve anything so I keep plugging along, forever behind.
Now if it were just me that this affected, I could handle it. However, it doesn't affect just me, if affects my whole family. Obviously, the parenting decisions I make affect Dani a lot and the house and cooking really, really affect CJ as a messy house and money spent eating out stress him out a ton. So what do I do? Do I cut out the time I set aside to care for myself? Should I sacrifice my "down-time" to work on the house, therefore having a cleaner house (and a happier husband) but a more haggard life? Or do I just keep plugging away and hope things get better?
Is there a solution or is this going to always be my life until we're empty nesters? (what a depressing thought)
Now if it were just me that this affected, I could handle it. However, it doesn't affect just me, if affects my whole family. Obviously, the parenting decisions I make affect Dani a lot and the house and cooking really, really affect CJ as a messy house and money spent eating out stress him out a ton. So what do I do? Do I cut out the time I set aside to care for myself? Should I sacrifice my "down-time" to work on the house, therefore having a cleaner house (and a happier husband) but a more haggard life? Or do I just keep plugging away and hope things get better?
Is there a solution or is this going to always be my life until we're empty nesters? (what a depressing thought)
Sunday, October 12, 2008
holding out vs. holding on
I just got done talking to a friend of mine who is struggling with the desire to have a baby at the wrong time. Every time I hear of someone wanting to have a baby and can't reminds me of 5 years of my life. CJ and I wanted a baby so badly for 5 years and couldn't make it happen. Everything we tried failed both financially and physically. Some times we were physically unable to conceive, sometimes financially not prepared. Both ways were difficult to deal with.
One thing I've learned through the process is that when God doesn't answer right away and seems to be "holding out" on you, he's not. He has plans that are for our good. He doesn't hold out to be cruel or even just because he can. God's goodness is beyond our comprehension. He IS good and that applies to all our circumstances. Even the hard to understand ones. God doesn't hold out on us, he holds on to us though our pain and struggle. He holds on to guide us through to the other side.
I once heard it said "The enemy of the best is the good." Having a baby on our schedule is a good thing. Having a baby on God's schedule is the best. Sometimes we jump the gun and take matters into our own hands if at all possible. Usually there is a mess to clean up. And in the matters of children, they are usually the ones to deal with the mess of our lives.
If I had conceived Dani on MY timetable she'd have had to deal with a very selfish, self-centered, immature mother who needed to grow up. I am a vastly different person than what I was 7 years ago when we first started trying to have a baby. Dani is reaping the benefits of God's patience. So is our marriage. I don't think CJ and I would still be married if we'd have had to deal with some of our struggles, complicated by the stress of children. That, or our children would be living in a tense, unloving environment. Thank God he held on to me in my pain of infertility until he was ready to pour out blessings on CJ and I and also Dani. Our marriage is strong, our parenting is mature and Dani has parents who love her deeply.
God isn't holding out, he's holding on.
One thing I've learned through the process is that when God doesn't answer right away and seems to be "holding out" on you, he's not. He has plans that are for our good. He doesn't hold out to be cruel or even just because he can. God's goodness is beyond our comprehension. He IS good and that applies to all our circumstances. Even the hard to understand ones. God doesn't hold out on us, he holds on to us though our pain and struggle. He holds on to guide us through to the other side.
I once heard it said "The enemy of the best is the good." Having a baby on our schedule is a good thing. Having a baby on God's schedule is the best. Sometimes we jump the gun and take matters into our own hands if at all possible. Usually there is a mess to clean up. And in the matters of children, they are usually the ones to deal with the mess of our lives.
If I had conceived Dani on MY timetable she'd have had to deal with a very selfish, self-centered, immature mother who needed to grow up. I am a vastly different person than what I was 7 years ago when we first started trying to have a baby. Dani is reaping the benefits of God's patience. So is our marriage. I don't think CJ and I would still be married if we'd have had to deal with some of our struggles, complicated by the stress of children. That, or our children would be living in a tense, unloving environment. Thank God he held on to me in my pain of infertility until he was ready to pour out blessings on CJ and I and also Dani. Our marriage is strong, our parenting is mature and Dani has parents who love her deeply.
God isn't holding out, he's holding on.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
4-wheeling
When I was kid, I loved being outdoors. I used to leave the house with a picnic lunch and not return till afternoon. I would explore ravines, creekbeds and all the nooks and crannies I could find in the area. I know I ventured off my dad's property many many times but no one cared. I used to see all kinds of wild life and I learned how to determine whether the tracks I'd see were fresh. I did this less and less as I got to be a teenager and got more involved in sports, choir, band and boys but I still love to get out in nature when I can. One of my favorite things to do is go 4-wheeling. I takes me out to many of my old haunts quickly. Plus, since CJ won't ever get a motorcycle, it's the closest thing I have. ;)
Yesterday, a friend came to my dad's property to check out a deer stand and couldn't find it. It turned into a full-out "hunt" to find it. We drove the 4-wheeler everywhere. It was soooo fun! I haven't been out on the 4-wheeler since May. I need to do it more often.
Yesterday, a friend came to my dad's property to check out a deer stand and couldn't find it. It turned into a full-out "hunt" to find it. We drove the 4-wheeler everywhere. It was soooo fun! I haven't been out on the 4-wheeler since May. I need to do it more often.
great date
Great guy, great movie, great food...what else do you need for a great date?
Tonight was wonderful! CJ and I went out on a date that lasted all afternoon. We started by dropping Dani off at some friends. They are keeping her overnight for us so we didn't have to worry about how late we could be out and getting her put down on time, etc, etc. Then we went and watched the movie "Fireproof". Talk about romantic! I was in tears several times. It really moved CJ too so the rest of the night he was incredibly romantic with me. It was a date like we used to have before we were married. He opened doors for me and everything! I loved it! Then we did a little shopping at different stores. I know it isn't romantic in and of itself but the mood we were in... anything would have been romantic. We were holding hands, walking close and stealing kisses. Ahhhhhh.
Then we went to Carlos O'Kellys, one of our old time favorites. I'm still stuffed! :)
I am not one of those people that expects marriage to feel like dating. Life gets in the way. We have to work, pay bills, clean house, cook and care for children. However, it is nice to have an evening that touches those old feelings. I think we should start all our future dates with a romantic movie. Sets the mood for the evening!! ;)
Tonight was wonderful! CJ and I went out on a date that lasted all afternoon. We started by dropping Dani off at some friends. They are keeping her overnight for us so we didn't have to worry about how late we could be out and getting her put down on time, etc, etc. Then we went and watched the movie "Fireproof". Talk about romantic! I was in tears several times. It really moved CJ too so the rest of the night he was incredibly romantic with me. It was a date like we used to have before we were married. He opened doors for me and everything! I loved it! Then we did a little shopping at different stores. I know it isn't romantic in and of itself but the mood we were in... anything would have been romantic. We were holding hands, walking close and stealing kisses. Ahhhhhh.
Then we went to Carlos O'Kellys, one of our old time favorites. I'm still stuffed! :)
I am not one of those people that expects marriage to feel like dating. Life gets in the way. We have to work, pay bills, clean house, cook and care for children. However, it is nice to have an evening that touches those old feelings. I think we should start all our future dates with a romantic movie. Sets the mood for the evening!! ;)
Monday, October 6, 2008
Weight update
Slowly but surely plugging along. I've lost 14lbs so far. I don't remember what it was the last time I blogged, it's been awhile. It's so easy to want a quick fix. (are quick fixes always wrong when it comes to weight?) I trying to stay focused but it's hard.
Pride
One thing I've noticed about Republicans is a sense of pride. "I can do it myself, thank you very much, and if I can't I'll die trying." That is why it is rare to find a person below the poverty line that is a republican.
Oppression is a very real thing in this country and those that say otherwise are usually white and male. Which would make sense, they've never experienced oppression in this country's history. But walk through a very poor part of the country or the inner city and you'll see oppression, in many forms (prejudice, racism, sexism, etc) are alive and well.
Now before you let yourself think of all that's wrong with what I'm saying and how you are going to prove it (you know who you are) pause for a second. There ARE people that simply can not buck up and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. And even if they do the best they can with what they have, they wouldn't be able to all they would like to do, all they need to do to ensure their children don't end up like they are. Oh they might be able to finally pay bills, buy a house in a slightly "better" neighborhood so their kids aren't constantly dealing with violence and drugs but that doesn't ensure their kids can go to college (at least without mounds and mounds of debt to overcome) or that they can retire with dignity or even afford quality health care to ensure their families health comes first, not the mortgage or anything else.
The gap in this country is HUGE!!! The rich are Sooo rich and the poor... many are certainly better off than some in the world but that's really not saying much is it? I hear some of the numbers of dollars made by one person, the number of houses they have, cars, toys, square footage, jewelry and on and on and on. It is insane. If the rich would quit focusing on their own pleasure for a second they could do some amazing things in this world. And right now I'm talking to the super rich, (probably none of them read this blog) but I'll talk to the rest of us in a minute. If $30 dollars a month feeds and educates one child a month what would a million a year do? A thousand? Ten thousand? Do you really need another Jaguar? If a child that was starving in a third world country came and saw your collection of houses and cars would you really feel so proud of it? I bet you'd feel a little ashamed of yourself. "I can spend all this on myself but not $30 on you..."
To the rest of us...
I think the USA would be better if the churches really did what they were supposed to do but they don't. If the body of Christ really lived the way Jesus preached. Caring for the sick, poor, widowed, down on their luck kind of folks. We should be first in line to volunteer at food pantries, homeless shelters, crisis pregnancy centers, crisis hotlines, women's shelters, etc etc. Are we? Not really. There are certainly exceptions to this and I've met them but they are unfortunately, a minority. We live in the here and now. We have to deal with the reality as we know it. Yes, the ideal is the church taking care of those people, but they don't, so I'm turning to a very distant second choice rather than ignoring the problem. Whether or not you think I'm wrong I don't care. My heart is right and that I know for sure. I value democracy but not at the expense of people. So don't comment and tell me all about how the government is going to take away democracy. Protecting democracy is not my, nor should it be the church's, goal. My comfort is not my main goal either. Some of the best growth in churches across the would has happened during times of oppression. I certainly hope democracy doesn't go away but it wouldn't end Jesus' mission in our lives. In fact it would probably help us turn our focus off saving the country through politics.
I will say one thing here, I've heard many many times about how I need to do my research and how Obama is a Socialist and how he's going to take away freedom like Stalin and others but we have something in our country unlike in the past. Checks and balances! The president can not come in and change everything to his liking. We have judges and congress to counteract that. Ok, I'm done with this.
Oppression is a very real thing in this country and those that say otherwise are usually white and male. Which would make sense, they've never experienced oppression in this country's history. But walk through a very poor part of the country or the inner city and you'll see oppression, in many forms (prejudice, racism, sexism, etc) are alive and well.
Now before you let yourself think of all that's wrong with what I'm saying and how you are going to prove it (you know who you are) pause for a second. There ARE people that simply can not buck up and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. And even if they do the best they can with what they have, they wouldn't be able to all they would like to do, all they need to do to ensure their children don't end up like they are. Oh they might be able to finally pay bills, buy a house in a slightly "better" neighborhood so their kids aren't constantly dealing with violence and drugs but that doesn't ensure their kids can go to college (at least without mounds and mounds of debt to overcome) or that they can retire with dignity or even afford quality health care to ensure their families health comes first, not the mortgage or anything else.
The gap in this country is HUGE!!! The rich are Sooo rich and the poor... many are certainly better off than some in the world but that's really not saying much is it? I hear some of the numbers of dollars made by one person, the number of houses they have, cars, toys, square footage, jewelry and on and on and on. It is insane. If the rich would quit focusing on their own pleasure for a second they could do some amazing things in this world. And right now I'm talking to the super rich, (probably none of them read this blog) but I'll talk to the rest of us in a minute. If $30 dollars a month feeds and educates one child a month what would a million a year do? A thousand? Ten thousand? Do you really need another Jaguar? If a child that was starving in a third world country came and saw your collection of houses and cars would you really feel so proud of it? I bet you'd feel a little ashamed of yourself. "I can spend all this on myself but not $30 on you..."
To the rest of us...
I think the USA would be better if the churches really did what they were supposed to do but they don't. If the body of Christ really lived the way Jesus preached. Caring for the sick, poor, widowed, down on their luck kind of folks. We should be first in line to volunteer at food pantries, homeless shelters, crisis pregnancy centers, crisis hotlines, women's shelters, etc etc. Are we? Not really. There are certainly exceptions to this and I've met them but they are unfortunately, a minority. We live in the here and now. We have to deal with the reality as we know it. Yes, the ideal is the church taking care of those people, but they don't, so I'm turning to a very distant second choice rather than ignoring the problem. Whether or not you think I'm wrong I don't care. My heart is right and that I know for sure. I value democracy but not at the expense of people. So don't comment and tell me all about how the government is going to take away democracy. Protecting democracy is not my, nor should it be the church's, goal. My comfort is not my main goal either. Some of the best growth in churches across the would has happened during times of oppression. I certainly hope democracy doesn't go away but it wouldn't end Jesus' mission in our lives. In fact it would probably help us turn our focus off saving the country through politics.
I will say one thing here, I've heard many many times about how I need to do my research and how Obama is a Socialist and how he's going to take away freedom like Stalin and others but we have something in our country unlike in the past. Checks and balances! The president can not come in and change everything to his liking. We have judges and congress to counteract that. Ok, I'm done with this.
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