Week 2

Another update.  It's going ok, I only exercised once this week but I'm watching what I'm eating and I lost 5 lbs! I did exercise today so hopefully this week is off to a better start.  God bless Dani.  She thinks exercising is fun so she asked me to exercise today after we'd been up for about 2 1/2 hours.   So I did. That was a great motivation.  Hopefully she'll keep it up.  Who needs a support group when you've got Dani :)

I went to the Doctor yesterday as a follow up to my blood pressure, it was down again 133/94 but it's still too high, boo.  So off to my family practitioner to see if I need to be on blood pressure meds.  I've decided to stay on the birth control and just suck it up and take meds until I no longer need to do so.  Hopefully, that will be soon.  Thanks for the encouragement I've received from some of you.  I really do appreciate it.

Mice

Have I ever told you all that I have a slight phobia of mice?  Ok, it's not slight!  I am terrified of mice!  This is the one thing I absolutely hate about living in the country.  We get mice all the time, especially in the fall after they are run out of the fields.  Did I mention we are surrounded by fields?  Yuck!  I have had some especially messed up run ins with mice this year, I won't bore you (or amuse you, some of them are doozies) with all of them but after today's I just had to write it. 

We've been trying to catch a certain mouse for about a week now, no can do. But I've noticed less "evidence" lately so I checked my mouse bait and noticed one had definitely been gotten into.  So I figured it had gone off and died somewhere. (yes!) Adios and good riddance

I was getting Dani dressed when I notice mice droppings in Dani's bottom drawer.  Eeew.  So I went to see if it was just the one on top or if it was more.  I picked up a handful of tights and saw a mouse!  OH MY GOSH!!!!!  I almost touched it!!!!  It was dead but looked little.  The one I'd seen I was sure was bigger than that.

This is where I really tried to overcome my fears.  I decided I couldn't leave it in the drawer and since it was dead I would grab something long ( was NOT going to touch it even with gloves on) and get it into a plastic sack to throw outside till CJ could dispose of it.  (thank goodness he's not scared of mice, he does all mice getting)  So I grabbed a wooden spoon I never use and started moving the tights around when I see another small mouse in a different spot!  OH MY GOSH!!!!  I realized that I think it's a nest and the mother took the bait back as food.  That was WAY too much for me to handle and I just couldn't have it in my house anymore and there was no way in heck I was going to try to be brave anymore!  That was a lost cause to begin with, I don't know what I was thinking.  So her drawer is sitting outside on our porch until CJ gets home at 7pm tonight.  First thing he's gonna do tonight is get those things out of range of the house and shake out all the clothes, sanitize the drawer and then wash all the clothes those things touched!  Living in the country is just making this phobia worse.  Mice are proving to me they are as bad as I have feared since I was 6 years old!

Week 1

I am making myself follow up!  This week has been ok, not great but kinda what I expected.  I have exercised twice, and been focusing on cutting out junk food.  I haven't lost weight but today when I went to the doctor for my blood pressure check it was 142/91.  Still too high but lower than last week. 

Dani got sick Thursday night and is still sick so that has been a hindrance to my exercising.  That, and the fact that I started a new job that I work from home for, so my free time has been monopolized by that.  I really have no set schedule at home so time management is really my downfall.  I'm working on that.  I hope this doesn't all sound like excuses, it's just what I've noticed to be my stumbling blocks to exercising. 

So there ya go, week one down.

wake up call

I've been telling myself for about 6 months that I want to feel better, look better and be better in my 30's.  I have been overweight and self conscious since I was a young teen.  I had an undiagnosed case of insulin resistance for 10 years which made me hungry ALL THE TIME.  So for ten years I built habits that I've yet to break.  I've been on diets for most of my life till Dani was born.  After Dani was born, it was as if I just couldn't worry about it anymore so I stop "dieting".  I actually have been able to lose weight over the last 3 years but it has been slow and very undeliberate.  However, I have been realizing things are only going to get worse the older I get.  I'm going to develop diabetes, have high blood pressure and possibly die of a heart attack.  These are facts I just haven't wanted to face.  Today I got a huge wake up call. 

That being said, let me explain a little history.  I have PCOS and have been on birth control pills since I was a teen to control my erratic periods.  Once we decided to have Dani, I've pretty much been off birth control pills.  Even after Dani was born, we never went back on the pill.  Months ago, I went to the Doctor to discuss my birth control options since we officially decided to not try for a 2nd child.  I was told progesterone only birth control was my best option because the pill and patch have estrogen which can raise your blood pressure (and condoms just weren't an option anymore).  My current blood pressure was fine but he didn't want to mess that up.  So I went with Implanon, which is like Mirena but it goes in your arm for 3 years.  It was a horrific mess.  Within 2 weeks I was ready to rip it out myself!  I was an exhausted, hormonal mess (worse than when I was pregnant) with NO sex drive.  It was awful to say the least.  So I had it taken out.  I really had no viable options left except the pill.  I went on Ortho-tricyclen Low a month and a half ago.  I went in today for a follow up feeling really good about it.  I feel pretty good, I've lost 3 pounds and haven't had any side effects.  My blood pressure was 147/97!!!!!  That is really really bad!  So, I am going to be monitored for the next 2 weeks and then if it doesn't go down, I either have to go off it or I have to go on blood pressure medication.  I am 29!  I kinda freaked out.  I haven't really let anybody know how much that truly scared me. 

But, I have decided to break the habits that have ruled me for over 15 years.  I am going to exercise, eat right and lose weight.  I AM going to feel better in my 30's! 

Today, I started exercising.  This is the part that I've never been able to stick with so I'm most nervous about.  Any weight I've lost since Dani was born has been just from eating less and/or healthier.  But I know exercise is essential to lowering my blood pressure so I HAVE to stick it out.  I know I also need to stick to a stricter diet. 

I am setting goals to lose 15 pounds by Christmas and 20 by my 30th birthday which is Jan 13.  Of course that is no where close to my ideal weight but I know I need to set small goals.  I would love to be below my "wedding" weight by the time I'm 31 and that's very doable.  I would just need to lose 3 lbs a month for the next year after I lose the 20 lbs set for my coming birthday.  (Actually, I would be almost 10lbs lighter than I was at my wedding) If I can do that again the next year, I would be the weight I was when I was flippin' 12!!!  That's crazy.  And doable.  36 lbs in a year seems little considering how many times I've lost 20lbs and then gained them back.  However, I know it's going to be tough.  But I am sick of being fat!  I have been thinking so much more lately, about my school experience, with all this talk about bullying on the news.  I was bullied every day of school from about 3rd grade until I graduated.  It was awful and I still live with the consequences.  I still feel that I'm ugly, fat, slow and not even worth basic common courtesy some days.  However, I am improving in my self-image and I know I deserve better than to be ruled by such crappy habits that formed because an incompetent Doctor dismissed crucial tests results when I was 15.  I am sick of feeling that I am invisible because I'm always the fat girl in almost every group I go out with.  I am sick of feeling no one could possibly find me attractive.  I'm just sick of it.  But most of all, I refuse to let this fat make me more sick. I don't want to be stuck on diabetes and high blood pressure medication from the time I'm in my 20s till my body gives out when my grandchildren are still young. 

I am going to write about this in the future and I hope that helps keep me accountable.  (By the way, as I write this, Dani is mimicking me exercising this afternoon, too cute. She's doing lunges lol)

Heavenly rewards

Growing up, I remember many times hearing people talk about rewards in heaven.  Most of the time, the rewards were "material".  For instance, some would have huge mansions and others shacks.  It never sat well with me but I was young and didn't really think about it much and when I did think about it, I just figured my pastors knew more than me. 

Recently I heard this again.  This time I've studied scriptures for myself and I no longer blindly accept what others tell me.  Instantly I thought about how almost every time Jesus talks about rewards, it's not material.  For instance, the Beatitudes.  Blessed are all these people for...

-theirs is the kingdom of heaven
-they will be comforted
-they will be filled (with righteousness)
-they will be shown mercy
-they will see God
-they will be called sons of God

These are not material rewards.  I would think "rewards" would be the lives you've touched, times God has used you (that will finally be made clear) and the peace you will feel when you see how God used those trials to bring good. 

It seems this is just an extension of the "prosperity" gospel.  When the Bible talks about blessings we immediately think money and that if we have a lack of money, God isn't blessing us.  So if we are storing up rewards in heaven they must be material possessions right?  I don't think so.  What do you think?

feeling alone

Wow, so much has happened recently, I'm not even sure what exactly I'm going to write in this entry. I've had more drama in my life over the past 2 weeks than I've had in the past 8 years. I'm really hurting right now but I'm praying that my pain won't be wasted. However, I'm not to the point yet that I'm past the hurt and able to see good in it. It's still too fresh.

2 weeks ago I had a horrible day with one of my best friends. Without going into details, I'll just say this. Most of the day we were frustrated with other people. After awhile, the frustration and anger bubbled over on each other. We had our first fight and it was a doozie. Not so much in intensity but it lasted a long time cuz we had a long drive home before it was over (2 hours) and I could drop her off. Having said that, we were able to talk on the way home and even though we were still tense with the stress of the day, I thought things were going to be ok. She hasn't talked to me since. I've sent emails and texts with no response. This was a close friend. So close we called each other sisters. I guess I misread all that, because in my book, you don't just shut out a sister over one stupid fight. Yet even as I'm mad, I miss her.

Then last week, I posted something on facebook about how I saw an example of why I hate war. A former soldier shared with friends for the first time, his struggles. He had been living with guilt for many many years because he had to shoot a man in self defense. He has seen that man's face everyday for close to 40 years and has felt that God could never forgive him for what he did. That is horrible. I DO NOT like war and don't support it. I have strong feelings about this (and some very valid reasons) BUT in my FB post all I said was I saw an example of why I don't support war. The men and women that go, have to live with the consequences of it. Even those that believe in why they're going (and this man did). I hate to see a soul so broken. It breaks my heart. I was simply hurting for him when I posted the status. Well, all hell broke loose and I became the whipping boy for anyone who dislikes those that "don't support the troops." (such an easy accusation to sling at someone) The worse part was it was FAMILY that were "talking" publicly about me on each others walls and status's. I even had one harrass me till I had to block him after I unfriended him due to his (current and past) comments.

These are people who are supposed to love me despite what they might view as flaws. These were cousins and aunts. Women who saw me grow up. They came to my dedication, graduation and wedding. Then my baby showers for Dani and the hospital when she was born. These are people who are supposed to be there for you when the going get rough. They aren't supposed to publicly flog you for something you didn't even say (or mean). They aren't supposed to call you stupid, ignorant, mean, closed minded, and heartless. Those words cut deeply and 6 days later I still cry over it. Yet, only one has even bothered to respond to a letter my brother sent out (privately) asking them to try to understand what I was actually saying. No one seems to care that they hurt me. I have apologized to them for what they thought I said (and what they obviously thought I meant by it) but only one has responded and it was a cousin not one of my aunts.

Why does that bother me so much???? I've been asking myself this question. I guess because my cousins didn't babysit me, they didn't grow up with my wonderful mother who gave birth to me, they didn't watch me grow up like my aunts did, they didn't change my diapers, they didn't hug and kiss me when I was still a toddler, and they didn't calm my fears or wipe my tears as a child. I could go on and on I'm sure. I look at my cousins and they aren't any more mature than I am nor would I expect them to be. But I look at my mom and I see wisdom that only comes with being a "grownup" for longer than me. I know I can still be immature, anyone my age still is. But I guess I expected my aunts to be the voice of reason not add fuel to the fire. I feel they should have known that their words would have consequences. Did they care they were hurting their niece's feelings? You don't live that long and not learn that what you say matters to those you say it about. Did they stop to think that they might be severing ties with someone they've watch grow up for 30 years (and my immediate family)? Did they stop to think at all? It didn't appear to be so from what I could see/read. All the posts sounded the same to me. There was no voice of wisdom coming from anywhere. No rational thoughts that might slow down the mob mentality that was rising to a fever pitch. No one seemed to care that I had feelings too.

I'm hurting. I feel alone, cut off, discarded. I fear the relationships will never be the same.



I am hurting and very few people seem to care.

Purpose of Church

A while ago someone posted the question "Why do you go to church" on their status on Facebook. I, like many others, gave my version of an answer. Mine said in essence "I go because we can do more good for others as a group than as individuals" I truly believe this. (I do think it's good to have Christian friends/ group that will challenge you and to discuss the Bible/ideas with. However you can have these relationship outside of a church building.)

So what do you do when opportunities to help those outside the church aren't available to you? What do you do when most of the ministries at the church are inward focused? And is it worth leaving behind relationships that mean a lot to you in order to go somewhere you feel will allow you serve God as part of a body of Christ?

To be honest I've really been struggling with these questions. I love a lot of people in our church. We have some close relationships with those that attend there. However, except for Angel Food Ministries, the Domestic Violence Shelter collections and Food Pantry drives (the first two we started) all the ministries I can think of are about people already in the church. And there doesn't seem to be any initiative to serve those outside the church. We are told to invite others in but not to go out and serve and love those that won't enter our doors. For instance, our teens have lots of fund raisers in order to do lots of things that are all about their entertainment. Personally, I think they would learn a lot more about Jesus by serving the homeless/poor/hungry than going to yet another retreat/camp/whatever. They go rock climbing but never sweep the rocky doorstep of an elderly person. Same with our children's program. I want Dani to grow up learning the body of Christ is there to serve and love others. It's not about us.

And I don't think we need to go to church to "be fed". We are all responsible for our own personal growth. Yes we can learn from others but it is ultimately our own personal walk. I do my own study at home from the Bible, books that challenge me and from several close friendships that also challenge me and allow me to question and grow. This is not a reason to stay in my thoughts.

However, there are people we love here. CJ is mentoring a teenager and that relationship is blossoming into something great. I have a relationship also that kind of has that mentoring quality and both of these relationships would probably suffer if we left. There's also some relationships I could stand to lose. They are unhealthy and would be good to get away from. (I will not explain this, just trust me)

We are not jumping into leaving and we aren't even looking at other churches yet. I think our relationships are holding us right now but it's a struggle. Does anyone else struggle with this? Is our situation so unique?

Tan vs Khaki

I have an issue I want to vent about!

Seriously??? Do you think we are made of money? You know how much money we make! What am I talking about? I'm talking about the new dress code they are implementing at CJ's and my work. They are switching all new shirts and have said they only allow black or TAN pants not khaki, only tan. What the heck is the difference??? CJ was told the other day his pants were khaki not tan in color. When he told me this I just wanted to throw something at his boss. Seriously?? You know what CJ makes, in fact you set his salary. There is no way we can afford for him to buy all new shirts AND pants just to satisfy your whim of a new "sharper" dress code. That's all this is to him! He says he wants to get back to a sharper look. Well I'm sorry that a khaki pant, dress shoes, shirt and tie are not sharp enough for you! CJ is going to be given 2 new shirts and that's it. The rest we have to purchase out of our own pocket and they are not cheap! We get nada to help with the cost of replacing pants. I'm sorry but we do not have an extra $200 to go drop on new clothes all at once! The new dress code starts next week. I SOOOOO WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I, as a part-timer, get one shirt and luckily that is going to work as I only work one day a week. I do not care if I have to replace my pants. I ain't gonna! I stand behind a counter and no one cares about my damn pants!

PLUS we now can't wear our own sweatshirts or coats around the store even when we are working outside. We have to purchase fleece jackets. Not only fleece jackets, BLACK fleece. CJ purchased several jackets last year when they said he could no longer wear his jacket when in the cooler (he worked as a dairy manager so he was in a big fridge much of the time). So now 2 out of the 3 we purchased (NOT cheap) no longer will work. The one black one we did purchased, was stolen out of his cooler so we have to buy another one! I AM SOOOO FRUSTRATED!!!!

So thank you, you freakin' managers for allowing me to work for you for a whole month just so I can afford to pay for new clothes so that I will look "sharp" when you look at me from your nice new car we can not afford to buy with what you pay us.

The Great Iowa State Fair

CJ and I decided to take a little trip to the fair this year. As we were talking about the possibility of going last week, we got to talking about when the last time was we went. We figured out it was 10 flippin' year ago!! Seriously??? I used to work there every year as a teen and we went pretty often before that as a kid. We couldn't believe it had been that long. So we just HAD to come.

We went today and had a blast. What a great family day it was. We were there by 9:30am and stayed till 4pm. Dani did great! She loved the horses (wanted to ride one), was a bit freaked out but the deep-voiced sheep that baa'ed as he was getting sheared just a few feet away from us and thought the pigs were lazy because all they were doing was sleeping. She liked the milk from the Dairy Barn and LOVED the Big Slide! We were going to try to get away without going to the Midway but of course that didn't work. We spent 2 hours in there and would have been longer if we didn't need lunch so bad. It was 1:30 before we finally dragged her away from the rides to eat. Then we went to the butterfly house and the "farm" for little kids. It was soooo neat. They walk kids through the whole process in an interactive way of house food goes from seed to fuel to crops to the grocery store. She rode a horse (the pony rides), got to see a 2 hr old calf, piglets and hatching chicks, and got to meet Clifford the Big Red Dog. She was in heaven.

Of course, CJ and enjoyed ourselves too. We were thrilled that several buildings that we used to swelter in were now air conditioned and we still love the gyros in the triangle. It's so fun to see the fair through the eyes of your child. Everything was new to her and so interesting. She was so good. We only had 2 meltdowns and they really weren't that bad. And for Dani 2 is very minor. And they pretty much made sense in the context she was in. First she wanted to ride rides before we were ready. And second, she didn't want to put her "fruit" from the Farm in baskets because she knew she wouldn't get them back and she loves her plastic food at home. Plus the basket thing was just past nap time so she was bound to melt down sooner or later.

Bonus, we got to spend some time with some family tonight that I haven't seen in a year. Thanks Glen and Julie for putting us up! CJ said today walking down Grand Ave (in the fairgrounds) "We need to make this an annual trip". I couldn't agree more.

Passion Party

I just had a great girls night out last night! Laura and I went to a Passion Party at Jilli's house (my SIL). It was a lot of fun!

It was so funny to watch some of the girls faces when the consultant would bring out these huge vibrators with multiple speeds and stuff. My MIL was there and she was one of the funniest. Although she did great and seemed to be pretty much at ease, I think she was keenly aware her baby girl was there, and me, her baby boy's wife. But it was still a lot of fun. It was made even better by the fact I took Laura with me. I had to convince her that a night out was what she needed when she tried to back out due to a stressful situation she's in right now, but once she agreed to go, she had a ball. Lots of girly talk and laughs! Just what the doctor ordered. And then of course both our husbands were glad to see us and our purchases walk in the door! he he, sorry had to put that in.

I'm going to host a party Sept 16th. If you want to come or order, let me know. By the way, the party was very tasteful so if you're a little more prudish than some, you'd still fit right in. :)

our first VBS

Well, Dani is officially old enough to go to "school". Vacation Bible School. It's been great but just a teensy bit bittersweet. She's actually old enough to go to VBS??? When did this happen? She's done well, I've heard. Last night she got put in time out twice but she was a bear yesterday (according to CJ who was also a bear --they were home alone together all day hmmmmm) so that doesn't really surprise me. I am actually looking forward to the VBS program for the first time since I was IN one. Break out the video camera!

what do we do with these?

Recently I heard someone liken those (like me) that believe America's founding fathers were not what we would define "Christian", to those that deny the Holocaust. Needless to say I was extremely offended and saddened by this. I realize that many of our Founding Fathers said "religious" things in public forums that would support the "Christian" claim. However, what do we do with these quotes?

UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION
The First Amendment
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion..."

Article VI, Section 3
"...no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."


JOHN ADAMS
"Can a free government possibly exist with the Roman Catholic religion?"
-letter to Thomas Jefferson

"As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation. But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the most bloody religion that ever existed?"
-letter to F.A. Van der Kamp, Dec. 27, 1816

"I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved-- the Cross. Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!"
-letter to Thomas Jefferson

"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion."
-Adams signed the Treaty of Tripoli (June 7, 1797). Article 11

"Twenty times in the course of my late reading, have I been upon the point of breaking out, 'this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.'"
-a letter to Charles Cushing (October 19, 1756)

JAMES MADISON
"What influence, in fact, have ecclesiastical establishments had on society? In some instances they have been seen to erect a spiritual tyranny on the ruins of the civil authority; on many instances they have been seen upholding the thrones of political tyranny; in no instance have they been the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wish to subvert the public liberty may have found an established clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just government, instituted to secure and perpetuate it, needs them not."
-"A Memorial and Remonstrance", 1785

"Experience witnesseth that ecclesiastical establishments, instead of maintaining the purity and efficacy of religion, have had a contrary operation. During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution."
-"A Memorial and Remonstrance", 1785

"Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise."
-letter to Wm. Bradford, April 1, 1774

"The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries."
-1803 letter objecting use of gov. land for churches

THOMAS JEFFERSON
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot ... they have perverted the purest religion ever preached to man into mystery and jargon, unintelligible to all mankind, and therefore the safer engine for their purpose."
- to Horatio Spafford, March 17, 1814

"Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear."
- letter to Peter Carr, Aug. 10, 1787

"It is too late in the day for men of sincerity to pretend they believe in the Platonic mysticisms that three are one, and one is three; and yet that the one is not three, and the three are not one. But this constitutes the craft, the power and the profit of the priests."
- to John Adams, 1803

"History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance, of which their political as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purpose."
- to Baron von Humboldt, 1813

"Gouverneur Morris had often told me that General Washington believed no more of that system (Christianity) than did he himself."
-in his private journal, Feb. 1800

It is not to be understood that I am with him (Jesus Christ) in all his doctrines. I am a Materialist; he takes the side of Spiritualism, he preaches the efficacy of repentance toward forgiveness of sin; I require a counterpoise of good works to redeem it."
- to Carey, 1816

"The priests of the superstition, a bloodthirsty race, are as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore."
- to Story, Aug. 4, 1820

"The doctrines of Jesus are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of Calvin.
1. That there are three Gods.
2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, is nothing.
3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit the faith.
4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use.
5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save."
- to Benjamin Waterhouse, Jun. 26, 1822

"Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a common censor over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced an inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth."
-"Notes on Virginia"

The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words. And the day will come, when the mystical generation [birth] of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation [birth] of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter."
- to John Adams, Apr. 11, 1823

"No man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship, place, or ministry whatsoever."
-Virginia Act for Religious Freedom

"... I am not afraid of priests. They have tried upon me all their various batteries of pious whining, hypocritical canting, lying and slandering. I have contemplated their order from the Magi of the East to the Saints of the West and I have found no difference of character, but of more or less caution, in proportion to their information or ignorance on whom their interested duperies were to be played off. Their sway in New England is indeed formidable. No mind beyond mediocrity dares there to develop itself."
- letter to Horatio Spofford, 1816

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the Common Law."
-letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, 1814

"Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between church and State."
-letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT
"The Complete Jefferson" by Saul K. Padover, pp 518-519

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
From Franklin's autobiography, p. 66:
"...Some books against Deism fell into my hands....It happened that they wrought an effect on me quite contrary to what was intended by them; for the arguments of the Deists, which were quote to be refuted, appeared to me much stronger than the refutations, in short, I soon became a thorough Deist."

From Franklin's autobiography, p. 66:
"My parents had given me betimes religious impressions, and I received from my infancy a pious education in the principles of Calvinism. But scarcely was I arrived at fifteen years of age, when, after having doubted in turn of different tenets, according as I found them combated in the different books that I read, I began to doubt of Revelation itself"


THOMAS PAINE
From The Age of Reason, pp. 89:
"I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of....Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and of my own part, I disbelieve them all."

From The Age of Reason:
"All natural institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian, or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit."

From The Age of Reason:
"What is it the Bible teaches us? -- rapine, cruelty, and murder."


There are many more quotes and information on these and other Founding Fathers. How can we, as Christians, bury our heads in the sand and "forget" these quotes?

One last thing, in the same conversation that this person likened me and others with my same beliefs with those that deny the Holocaust, they said "Actions speak louder than words" This is so true. Do a little research on the lives of these people and most of them certainly did not live "Christian" lives. Besides the fact that the very constitution they drafted denied basic rights to women and black people. They also oversaw the slaughter of millions of Indians and started the slave trade to pad their own pockets. They saw some people (anyone other than the white man) as less than human and not worth even basic rights under in this new country. Does that sound Christ-like or "Christian" to you?

Immigration's real "criminals"

I've been reading a few blogs and some news stories about immigration lately. I had some thoughts come into my mind while I was cleaning today and had to put it down. First of all, I believe as Christians, we have a responsibility to love and serve anyone we come in contact with, especially the poor and downtrodden. Most illegal immigrants would fall into this category. However, I am not going to tackle the "Christian" views in this post, I'm going to address it from a "political" viewpoint.

First of all, open your mind with me for just a second and imagine you are in the immigrants shoes... You live in a country where, despite all your best efforts, you have been unable to make a living for your family. Your children are always hungry and you can't stand seeing them get sick from malnutrition that never gets resolved. A man comes and promises a job in the US that will make all your dreams come true. So you make a gut-wrenching decision to leave them behind, not knowing when you will see them again, if ever, for the decision to sneak across the border is fraught with danger. So you kiss them goodbye and promise to send home all the money you can, as soon as you can.

Once you get into America, your "contact" brings you to an "employer" who gives you a "job". You work all day, into the night and barely have enough left after paying for your own scanty meals, to send anything home. But you keep at it because at least this work is better than no work back home.

You soon realize no one could legally make someone work in these conditions. No American citizen could be forced to work like this. A few months in, you'd love to speak out against this employer that abuses you for little pay, while his bank account gets more and more bloated to satisfy his appetite for pleasures your family has no hope of ever seeing. Resentment builds but you have no way to bring justice to this person. If you show the slightest hint of rebellion, he'll have you deported and it's back to your children starving. So you keep at it.

Imagine all this, and then imagine the country you're in calls you a criminal. They ignore the fact you had no way to get in legally (95% of people that come in illegally would never get approved in our current system), and your children were starving. They ignore the fact that you took no job they would have worked themselves. They ignore the "Employer" that made it possible to get the job in the first place and then took advantage of your illegal status to exploit and control you in order to pad his own pockets.

Who is the REAL criminal in this scenario? Why are the men/women that "employ" these illegal immigrants never talked about in all the immigration policies debates? If they are, I've not heard it. This seems like such a simple solution in my eyes. Shut down the slave labor that promises hope of work not available to them in Mexico and for what would they continue to sneak in? I know, I know, it's not "simple" but neither is fencing and patrolling the whole border! I'm thinking focusing on the employers would still be easier than that!

Shut down the greed and we'd shut down the illegal border crossings. And then once that happens, we Christians better be ALL OVER the fact we need to be helping those that still have no work in Mexico. We can't forget the poor just because we no longer deal with them as illegal immigrants.

All in one week

Well, CJ and I are back from our vacation I posted about! It was really fun and relaxing. We had two whole days in the Dells, to just relax, sightsee and shop. We actually took several times to just go back to the room and relax and veg. That was really nice too. We had a whirlpool in our room that was large enough for us to sit side by side and we brought movies cuz our room had a DVD player (why don't more rooms provide those?) So relaxing! How often as parents of young kids do we just sit back and veg??? My favorite part? Probably the Dells boat tour. We took a 2 hour tour of the Upper Dells and it was really pretty. Plus, we got the best seats in the house, front row of the upper deck of the boat. We ended up getting sprayed a few times but it was worth it. We were able to just sit back and enjoy the ride. (we got some sun too!)

Then after the Dells (I was sad to leave) we went to stay with Josh and Ashley Vance in Minneapolis, MN. We did a lot more shopping and just hanging out. They have two kids, a 10 week old and a 2 year old. Their two year old was out of town for a reunion with the grandparents so it was easy breezy. Don't you sometimes miss those months of just being able to put the kid in a car seat and they go wherever? I forgot how easy a newborn can be compared to a toddler. (at least during the day) We absolutely love Josh and Ashley so it was great to spend so much time with them!

Although it was great to get away, by Saturday night I was so sick to see Dani it was painful. How do people go without seeing their kid for longer than that? I have no idea! I didn't talk to her the whole time cuz I didn't want to upset her, although, I called to check on her at least once a day. But on Sunday about 45 minutes from home I talked to her. I think those 45 minutes were the longest of the whole drive home. She did absolutely wonderfully the whole time! She did ask about us just a few times but was always fine when she was told that we were still on vacation and she could go home when we got home. That seemed to satisfy her totally. I kinda wonder if she missed "her house" more than she missed us! She such a homebody! Oh well, at least SHE doesn't mind if it's always messy lol.

So this week, Sunday was CJ's 33rd birthday and we got home from vacation. Today (Tuesday) is Dani's birthday, Wednesday we're going to the pool to celebrate as a family cuz today is too rainy. Thursday is our 10th anniversary. Saturday we're going to cousin Amos' house because they can't come to the party and then Sunday is her birthday party. We're inviting just family this year for obvious reasons. We've been so crazed! Plus throw in we had a huge garage sale the weekend before we left and we still need to clean up from it and crazed doesn't even describe it!

As crazy last weekend was and as crazy as this week is it's all worth it. I have a great life and a lot of celebrate! Thank you God for your blessings.

our family is complete

Well, the decision has been made. We are going to be a one child family. And I am completely fine and happy with the decision. Dani is amazing but we are happy with just her.

There are many, many, many reasons that went into making this decision. Just a few...

1)I had a horrible labor and c-section, one that I NEVER tell to new mothers because it's cruel and unusual punishment to do so. (well, maybe not but you get the drift) I went through bad postpartum depression and honestly, I don't want to live through any of those ever again.

2)We had a really hard time conceiving Dani. We tried for 5 years and they were years of heartache. We really don't want to go there again. I have a friend going through it now and it just breaks my heart all over again.

3)All my reasons in my "pro" list for having another baby are not because I actually want one. They are fears I have of Dani being an only child and the difficulties that may come to her because of it. Things like loneliness growing up and caring for aging parents alone. However, I've realized there are things we can do to help ease those concerns like making sure she has close relationships with friends and relatives, and taking financial responsibility for our own long term care.

4) Financially, we are just barely making it and we'd have to move to fit another child into our home.

5) I feel I'd be a better mom to Dani if I don't spread myself thinner than I am now. I want to change the world and therefore I try to volunteer my time. I feel either I'd have to stop volunteering and therefore not be the kind of example I want to be for my kids or I wouldn't spend the kind of time with my kids that they need.

6) We don't feel like anything is missing. We are happy and content with Dani.

When I first started contemplating whether we were done or not, I felt weird about my desire to have only one child. As if I was doing it "wrong" or something. I have quit trying to justify my decision and just accept the fact that it's our decision and as long as we both agree, it's just fine. There is no one right way to parent all children. All children are different, all parents are different. And with Dani's personality and my personality I feel being an only child will actually be better for her anyway.

I absolutely adore Dani. She's tied for the best thing that's ever happened to me (with CJ of course) She was absolutely worth the 5 years of heartache and the horrible labor and delivery. So now I'm going to raise her the best way I can.

And that is enough.

VACATION!!!!!!!!

Yeah!!!! CJ and I have made plans for our first real vacation in 10 years! The last one being our honeymoon. It's going to be our 10 year anniversary this June and we really wanted to do something. It's been a really tough year money-wise, Murphy has been our constant companion but we've been able to scrape up enough to make this vacation happen. We're going to Wisconsin Dells for 3 days/2 nights and then to Minneapolis, MN to visit our friends Josh and Ashley Vance for 3 days/3 nights. (Can't wait to meet their new baby boy, Elake)

I found a motel on TripAdvisor.com. It's rated #1 in value and customer satisfaction in the Wisconsin Dells area. We got a whirlpool room, with a private balcony over the pool and a king sized bed for $85 a night! Yeah! They also have rooms with multiple rooms and kitchens for about the same price. They have several really nice, new playgrounds and grills that we can use. Plus a heated outdoor pool, an indoor pool and 2 hot tubs. We've decided if we like this place then we'll bring Dani here for our next vacation.

I read all the reviews for this place! At least back till 2007 or so and I only saw 3 bad reviews. All of them had a reply from the owner (it's family owned, has been since it opened) and he basically told them they should have called to let them know of their problems (they keep records of all calls and complaints, there was none for these people) and he would have either fixed it or given the a FULL REFUND! He even offered to give them a refund now. Seriously? I was shocked. There were probably about 5 reviews that gave descriptions of problems they'd had and they were ALL satisfied with how it was fixed, quickly! One person described how their fridge didn't close properly and the manager was there within 5 minutes and when he couldn't repair it, he had a new one brought to them in 15 minutes. That's awesome. All the rooms have been remodeled over the last 3 years and the beds, I've heard, are to die for. They put some big money into all new Sealy beds. Can't wait to sleep on them!

It's definately a motel, not a huge resort like so many of the hotels there in the Dells, but we don't need that. I think every single review said the place was unbelievably clean even before the rooms were remodeled and everything was old. Plus, the rooms are supposed to be really big, even the suites with multiple rooms. All I need is a quiet spot to relax with my hubby. It's on the edge of town so it's not surrounded by noise and traffic but it's just a couple blocks from the downtown area with all the restaurants and shops. It's sounds perfect!

Anyway, I'm just excited, can you tell? I have no idea what I'm going to do without Dani for 6 days but I know she's in good hands. Grandma Lynn and Mimi (my mom) are going to watch her for us. It'll be really good for CJ and I to have this time together. Plus it'll be great to see Josh and Ashley. We saw them in November but that's too long ago. I'm going through Ashley withdrawal. :)

Happy (almost) 10 years Baby!!!

Angel Food Ministry report

This weekend marked the biggest weekend so far in our Angel Food Ministry. A family that we've been giving to since we started giving away boxes in November, came to our church for a baby shower we threw for them. It was so great. The whole family came, the couple of course, both grandmothers, and a sister in law. (the brother and grandfather were watching the kids)

For the past week, members of our congregation have been bringing gifts for the shower. We didn't make the shower open to all so we wouldn't overwhelm the family. But lots of people brought gifts even though they weren't coming to the shower. I was so excited by how many gifts the family got. They were overwhelmed by it all. They couldn't believe the church would give them so much stuff when they don't even attend. The family seemed so open to us.

One of the verses Angel Food tries to embody is Matthew 25:35 and 40. It says (Matthew 25:35) "For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited me in." When they challenged Jesus and asked when did they do this for their God, the answer is "To the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of mine, even the least of them, you did it to me (Matt 25:40)." I believe we are doing this through AF and I love it! I love it because I feel we are doing exactly what God wants us to. It feels good to be right in the center of his will and feel his blessings on what we're doing.

Are leaders baseball umps or football refs?

I've been thinking about this for the past several weeks. How do we show respect to our leaders? Especially those leaders in church. Our national leaders are challenged, criticized, and spoken out about all the time. We can say whatever we want about them without feeling guilty and I believe this is a good thing. However, I think some people take this to the extreme (baby killer anyone?) But I believe this is still a good thing, I wouldn't take this away because a few abuse it.

However, how are we to treat our church leaders? I believe there are many factors that come into this. First and foremost, if we disagree we have to prayerfully consider our reactions because often times if we spend time in prayer, we may come to agree. The reasoning behind this is, leaders' words often are often designed to stretch and challenge us. So we may not automatically agree when we first hear it. And then if we still disagree, these leaders are usually our friends, not some far away leader in DC we never meet. So then do we approach them? Do we questions and/or challenge them?

I've had an analogy that has helped me form this question. Look at the difference between Baseball Umpires and Football Referees. Baseball umps are pretty much untouchable. They don't review their calls. What they say goes and if you get mad, they have the ability to throw you out. Football refs on the other hand, voluntarily review their own plays, and if they don't the coaches have the right to challenge them without penalties.

So are Pastors, Priests, the Pope, SS teachers, Board members, Deacons, (etc, etc) baseball umps or football umps. And do these very leaders agree with your conclusion?

"outside" memories

As the weather gets warmer and warmer, I've been thinking about some of my memories that I have of spending time outside. I consider myself very lucky. I grew up on a farm and had parents that allowed me to explore it by myself. (I'm not sure I could even give that much freedom to Dani) I remember going to the "back 40" of our land and exploring the timber. I would look for animal prints and would use my imagination to pretend I was exploring some other land. I never got bored and considering I explored the same land over and over that's saying something. I think it was because I played by myself so much that I had to develop my imagination. This is something I hope Dani has. I had a lot of fun using my imagination both inside and outside the house. Plus, it gave hours to Mom that she didn't have to entertain me. :)

So as the weather is getting warmer I'm hoping to take Dani outside and just let her walk around. Let her explore outside of our regular yard and hopefully develop a love of exploring like I have. Who knows maybe I'll start again, after all she's still to young to go alone...

Dani

Yesterday Dani had a super cute day so I had to tell you about it. First I have to give you a bit of background. Dani has been potty training for months now. She's pretty sporadic and inconsistent but if we try to push her, it's completely counterproductive. So we've been letting her set her own pace and just be thankful for the diapers we aren't having to change. Unfortunately, not one of those diapers avoided have been poopy diapers. She has absolutely refused to poop on the potty.
Yesterday, I was cleaning the church and CJ calls and tells me Dani has something to tell me. In her cute little voice I hear "I pooped" She had gone into the bathroom by herself and just sat down and went. She came out and told CJ about it. That's so like her. Just doing it on her own, not when someone is pushing her.
Then last night my friend Emily came over and we went to town to get movies and some stuff for dinner. Dani got into the kiddy cart at HyVee. The kind with the car in front. She loves to drive instead of sitting in the regular cart. So anyway, we are in the store for maybe 10 minutes and all of a sudden I hear Dani trying to get my attention. She's holding out a cell phone wanting me to have a turn "talking" on it. I have no idea how she got this phone! It was soooooo funny!

living with questions

I'm learning that I don't know more than I do know. I'm also learning that's ok. However, I'm so used to thinking I have to have the right answers in order to live right and not sin. If I don't know if something is right or wrong how can I know whether or not I can do it and still be ok in God's eyes? This is such a weird way of thinking however, it's the norm in church culture right now. We need pastors and teachers and even each other to tell us the right answers so we know the right way to live. Is smoking and drinking right or wrong? Is going to a bar ok? Is being gay a sin? Is being transgendered a sin? Is voting for a pro-choice candidate ok? Is capitalism good or bad? Is cussing a sin or just bad taste? Is speaking in tongues essential to being filled with the Holy Spirit or just a gift given to a select few? Should we be baptized as infants or after being "saved"? Etc etc etc. I think this is why there is so much division between different denominations. Even why there are different denominations to begin with. We feel we have to have all the answers nailed down and nailed down correctly. Questions aren't welcome. Uncertainty is to be avoided at all cost.

Right now I'm dealing with the questions of homosexuality. Right now I still think it's sin. However, I'm not so certain that I will argue with anyone about it. There is more and more science showing how hormones and genes contribute to many having homosexual tendencies. I also know that external factors play a huge role as well. (Such as having overbearing mothers or absentee fathers) There seems to be even more science pointing towards genetic or hormonal causes in those who would call themselves transgendered. If a "male" embryo receives female hormones invitro that causes them to feel more female than male do we condemn them anyway? Would God? I don't know yet and maybe I never will. Is that bad? I'm learning more and more that the answer is no.

We don't have to have all the answers! God is the only one with knowledge of ALL things. Plus, with learning more and more that it's not all about knowing the right way to live (and therefore avoiding hell) and just living in the love and presence of Jesus right here, right now, I'm learning it's ok to be in process. To always be learning and reevaluating what I've always thought to be set in stone.

I think one of the most dangerous things a church can do is to refuse to question. We have a history of doing that and it isn't pretty. ESPECIALLY when it comes to science. Remember (in history books) when the church refused to believe that the solar system didn't revolve around the earth? This seems silly to us now but back then it was a HUGE deal! It seemed so central to what they believed about how God created us and the worlds around us. For a long time the church refused to reevaluate what they had translated the Bible to say in order to fit it to what science had proven.

Are we doing the same thing today? What about evolution? Most christians will agree that the creation story isn't literal (6 24 hr periods) After all, we all know the verse that says, a day is a thousand years and a thousand years is a day to God. So is it so unbelievable that God might have created that single cell organism on the first "day" and set the system of evolution in place? Would that mean that he didn't actually "create" all that we see? Actually I think it's even more impressive and cool than if it all happened in 6 days! What a creative God we have!

We just need to be careful I think, in the coming days. Questions and uncertainty (and science) are not our enemies. They help us understand and explore our amazing God!

C.A.L.M.

CJ says we should start a new christian group called CALM. It's for Christians Against Legislating Morality. This came in response to a group that is meeting at our church this Friday call LUV. It stands for Let Us Vote. They couldn't have picked a more inappropriate name if they tried! It's a group trying to get a vote to overturn the ruling that made gay marriage legal in Iowa. This is the second type meeting our church has hosted and it makes me sick! Is this the reputation we want those outside our church have of us? This is exactly the kind of thing that make the unchurched turn away. They see this kind of action as bigoted, hate-driven and unloving. What is the church supposed to be known for? LOVE!!!! Everything we are considering doing in the church should first be examined for what it will show to those outside the church. Will this show the love Jesus came to portray or not? If not, we shouldn't do it!

The debate about homosexuality in this country has done more to damage the church's effectiveness than just about anything since segregation. We need to wake up and realize this!!! Our stance doesn't need to change (unlike segregation) but our approach does. We can still believe homosexuality is a sin but not vote against them. We should love them! We should seek to understand them. Where are they coming from, what has happened in their life, who are they as a person, not as a homosexual? We should show them the love that Jesus showed the prostitutes and other "sinners" he hung out with. He was their friend, he loved them and THEN he talked to them about their sin when it was appropriate. Why do we not realize how much more people we could reach for Jesus if we acted as he did not as the religious right tells us we should???? We are doing the exact opposite of what Jesus did right now! And we still have the nerve to call ourselves the "body of Christ"??

If you look at many of the questions Jesus was asked in an effort to "trap" him in the context of his culture, many of them were politically charged! Every single time he refused to answer one way or another, thus not "taking sides" or joining a party in today's language. So if we want to be like Jesus, we should not ask is gay marriage wrong but how can we love those that want gay marriage. We should not ask in what instances, if any, is abortion right but how can we love both the mothers and baby affected by the circumstances that led to her seeking an abortion.

"We are called to be set apart" I hear all the time at church. And it's true. However, the meaning behind that I think is often wrong. We aren't just supposed to have less sin in our lives, we are supposed to have love motivate all we do. (unlike "the world" which doesn't have the love of Jesus) As a result we WILL sin less because sin hurts those we love, but you can see the difference. We can sin less and not love although that attitude often introduces new, more sinister sins (because we tend to ignore or even accept them in the church, which make them more dangerous) like self-righteousness, pride, hatred, intolerance, and rejection of the "sinners" we are called to love.

I hope in the future, we, as a church, will remember our reputation does affect how the unchurched views us. The worse our reputation is, the harder it is to introduce who the person of Jesus really is to those who are seeking him.

Angel Food

One thing I meant to include in my "catch up" post was this... Angel Food is going really, really well. We are up to about 60 boxes this month and most of our volunteers are still helping. But I have to say the most exciting outcome of this ministry was one that I didn't even see coming but totally fits with the vision God gave me for the launch of the ministry. (that really shouldn't surprise me) People in our church AND other churches are buying boxes to donate to needy families. I think we have 10 or so this month. That is beyond exciting! I really thought this ministry was going to help us help those needy families by stretching their money dollar. That would have made me happy. However, God obviously had bigger things in mind!

Nothing new bout this

Well all, this really doesn't surprise me. I've always been up and down when it comes to journaling or anything like it (blogging) but I always come back. I like it too much. It feels good to get my feelings down in print. However, it also take a lot of energy for me so when I feel drained I tend to stop for awhile. Does it surprise anyone I usually stop around the holidays?

Anyway, lots of things are happening but the main themes of my life are pretty much the same. I still spend most of my time with Dani. She is talking more and more. Sentences are forming longer and longer. She's doing really well despite the fact she's sick right now. She has a nasty cold and is being treated for a sinus infection. We are also potty training her right now. She has her good days and bad days. Right now is bad. I think the newness has worn off and she just doesn't get the excitement from going like she used to. I also think she's lazy. She doesn't want to worry about it cuz it's easier to just go and let Mommy or Daddy change her diaper. Oh well. She comes by that kind of attitude naturally.

CJ is doing better than a month ago. We've been struggling with his depression for several months. It's gotten really bad again. So he's started going to counseling again and he just saw his doctor today about changing his meds. The counseling has already helped some but not enough. Hopefully the combination of changes will help more. He's also eating better and trying to exercise more. He's lost about 15-20 lbs so far I think. He's looking goo-od. Of course I've always thought he's the most beautiful man but now he's just more so.

Our Sunday School is going really well. We are studying a book by John Burke entitled "No Perfect People Allowed" It has sparked some great discussion and growth in those who are coming. Our class is still small but that's ok. I'm really trying to just focus on the growth of those in our class and not worry about numbers. I'm really excited about the next two chapters. Chapter 4 talks about creating a "culture" of vulnerability and then chapter 5 follows up with a culture of acceptance. Of course acceptance is key if people are going to be vulnerable. I really hope we can nurture that kind of culture in our own class. Of course, I'm learning that it starts with me. Especially the vulnerability part. I'm hoping after these two chapters we can take the time to put these two principals into action. Maybe a week of sharing and prayer. We'll have to see how it goes over. To see if people take it to heart. It'll be interesting to see but honestly, I totally see us embracing the vulnerability and acceptance. Those in class seem to be totally absorbing the new ideas ("new" meaning ancient words said by Jesus) talked about in the book. I'm so excited.

Lately, thing have been going well EXCEPT in the area of money. The last couple months have really sucked. We've had emergency room visit bills, multiple car bills (sizable ones), our furnace motor went bad and I've been sick and have missed work. I know I'm not writing about all the expenses but those are the big ones. To top it all off, we are trying to SAVE $500 by April because we owe the IRS. We didn't expect it but it would have been very doable if all these extra expenses hadn't come up. It's really hard. I generally don't worry. CJ worries enough for both of us, but lately I've really been struggling with it. Seriously, we just don't have the money for everything! I don't know how it's all going to work. I know, I know that God will provide but sometimes it's harder to trust that than others. Usually, I don't struggle with it too much but lately it just seems like it's coming from all sides and it just won't let up. I guess you could say I'm being vulnerable :)

Well I know there's a lot more I could say but I'm going to wrap it up for right now. More soon...