Phineas Bresee, the man who founded our denomination, was called a grace wholesaler. How many people would say that about members of our denomination now? Yes, we are called unto holiness but holiness means to be like Christ. That does not just mean "to be without sin" The Bible already makes it clear Jesus was the only one "without sin". Jesus doesn't focus on us not sinning, his focus was on us loving God and loving each other. What does loving each other require? Grace! We are imperfect people and we need to give each other grace in our shortcomings. Also, we need to remember in our quest for "holiness" that God has more grace than we can ever use up. Now before you write me off as an abuser of grace, listen for a sec. God wants to be in relationship with us. That is his main goal. He loves us and knows that is what is going to fulfill us. However, when we are willfully living outside his will, our relationship is strained, and it's all our fault. God is not waiting with his bully club, or even a sigh of disappointment. He is simply yearning for the day we see the errors of our ways and come back in relationship with him. He doesn't hold his expectations over our heads and shake his head when we fail, but he does live in expectation of a relationship that is deep and real and rejoices when that relationship is going strong.
So I am in no way advocating sinning with the attitude that "God will forgive me later" but I am completely advocating an attitude that forbids me from beating myself up for sinning. God is not doing so, so why should I? God uses our guilty conscience to convict us many times but feeling guilty is not the same thing as shame. Grace is from God, shame is a devil's lie. Shame says, "Hang your head, you've blown it and God is ashamed of you. You only get so many chances and you may have blown the last one. If it's not the last one, you're at least wearing the ice thinner and thinner, you better be careful that God doesn't get sick of your messing up." (etc etc) How do I know that's what shame says? Because I used to live with shame. Alot! One of the downfalls of growing up in a "holiness" denomination is a child can easily misunderstand and think if they don't meet the standard of "no sin" than they are not doing something right. Grace has to be emphasized just as much as holiness or it gets lopsided very easily. Is it any wonder our teens learn early to put on a facade of "holinesss"? I learned early, I knew all the right answers, the right way to dress and the right way to live (outwardly). I probably look more rebellious now than I did then but I am closer to God now more than ever no matter how I look on the outside. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be anyway? Doesn't God look at the heart?
I could go on and on all day and probably should because I don't think I explained it as well as I should, but I'm not going to.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tad's Birthday
Today would have been my cousin Tad's birthday. A year ago this month, he committed suicide. My mom is meeting with his mom (her sister) today halfway between KC (where my aunt lives) and here. I was talking to my mom about it a couple days ago and I ended up crying. I can not imagine losing Dani. The thought of it takes my breath away. In the midst of the conversation about Tad we were also talking about Steven Curtis Chapman and his family losing his youngest in a car accident. It would be devastating to lose my parents, sibling or especially CJ but I don't know if I could even handle Dani being injured much less killed. "Lord please protect my little girl"
Sunday, August 24, 2008
my weekend
The last time I blogged I was feeling rather sick. Well, that lasted far too long but I finally got over it on Friday. So what do I do Saturday? Rest, take it easy??? No way Jose. We decided to go to Coralville and Cedar Rapids and do some shopping. My mom came with us. She ended up buying more than us! It was a long day.
When we finally got to the Coralville mall. We took Dani straight to the kids play area to let her run off some steam after sitting in the car for 1 1/2 hours. She did really well. It was really busy and I ended up wanting to slug some bigger kids who would run right over her and not even stop. I felt like grabbing their arms and dragging them back to make them apologize and help her up. I didn't though. I thought some other mothers might beat me up. :) I think we actually stayed at the playground a little too long cuz Dani was tired by the time we left. We shopped a little at the mall but the main reason we went there was because we have to have our wedding/engagement rings inspected and cleaned every six months to keep up our warranty with Zales. Coralville mall is the closest Zales there is. After the mall we went to Chilli's for lunch. Dani ate so much! I fed her baby food before the meal came cuz she hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was almost 2. Then when we were eating chips and salsa, I gave her Cheerios because when we eat, she cries if we don't feed her too. Then, when the meal came she wanted our food. So we gave her some cheese and chicken and a little bit of steak from my fajita meal. Mom gave her two bites of guachamole too. She loved it!! I couldn't believe how much she ate! More about this later.
Then after lunch, we drove 20 minutes north to Cedar Rapids to go to Sams Club. I had a list and wanted to get in and out in a jiffy. However, Mom and CJ had other ideas. They went down every isle, tried every sample and generally (as my dad likes to say) dilly dallied around. So it was 5:15 before we left Sams!
On the way home, poor Dani had a complete meltdown. She was sick of being in the car but I could tell it was more than that. I think her stomach completely protested all the food and the spiciness of it. The poor thing was completely inconsolable. Even today she's had a horrible time. We finally found some old Mylicon drops from when she was a little baby. They seemed to finally help. (she's also done a lot of farting and burping) I have learned my lesson!
CJ usually works every single Saturday night and I usually have to be at church early every Sunday morning. He actually had that Sat off and this Sun was my one week off in August so we decided to take advantage of all this and have my mom keep Dani overnight. Even though our date didn't get to start until 8, we went out. We went miniature golfing which we haven't done in ages and love to do. I got 3 hole-in-ones! CJ was so jealous! (and I was shocked) Then we went for ice cream instead of dinner cuz we were still full from lunch. It was nice. Plus it was really a rare treat for us both to sleep in and then get ready in 45 minutes. We haven't been able to do that for 14 1/2 months!
This afternoon was nice. We came home from church and I just made chicken salad for lunch and Dani went right down for a nap. We just laid around and watched tv and relaxed. We pretty much did that all afternoon and evening. We did have to deal with a cranky baby when she woke up about 3:30 but we discovered the Mylicon drops and she calmed down.
This week promises to be pretty good. CJ has both Tuesday and Thursday off. I love having him home during the week. So does Dani. Our days are good with just us girls but he makes it great. I know that sounds really cheesy but it's true.
When we finally got to the Coralville mall. We took Dani straight to the kids play area to let her run off some steam after sitting in the car for 1 1/2 hours. She did really well. It was really busy and I ended up wanting to slug some bigger kids who would run right over her and not even stop. I felt like grabbing their arms and dragging them back to make them apologize and help her up. I didn't though. I thought some other mothers might beat me up. :) I think we actually stayed at the playground a little too long cuz Dani was tired by the time we left. We shopped a little at the mall but the main reason we went there was because we have to have our wedding/engagement rings inspected and cleaned every six months to keep up our warranty with Zales. Coralville mall is the closest Zales there is. After the mall we went to Chilli's for lunch. Dani ate so much! I fed her baby food before the meal came cuz she hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was almost 2. Then when we were eating chips and salsa, I gave her Cheerios because when we eat, she cries if we don't feed her too. Then, when the meal came she wanted our food. So we gave her some cheese and chicken and a little bit of steak from my fajita meal. Mom gave her two bites of guachamole too. She loved it!! I couldn't believe how much she ate! More about this later.
Then after lunch, we drove 20 minutes north to Cedar Rapids to go to Sams Club. I had a list and wanted to get in and out in a jiffy. However, Mom and CJ had other ideas. They went down every isle, tried every sample and generally (as my dad likes to say) dilly dallied around. So it was 5:15 before we left Sams!
On the way home, poor Dani had a complete meltdown. She was sick of being in the car but I could tell it was more than that. I think her stomach completely protested all the food and the spiciness of it. The poor thing was completely inconsolable. Even today she's had a horrible time. We finally found some old Mylicon drops from when she was a little baby. They seemed to finally help. (she's also done a lot of farting and burping) I have learned my lesson!
CJ usually works every single Saturday night and I usually have to be at church early every Sunday morning. He actually had that Sat off and this Sun was my one week off in August so we decided to take advantage of all this and have my mom keep Dani overnight. Even though our date didn't get to start until 8, we went out. We went miniature golfing which we haven't done in ages and love to do. I got 3 hole-in-ones! CJ was so jealous! (and I was shocked) Then we went for ice cream instead of dinner cuz we were still full from lunch. It was nice. Plus it was really a rare treat for us both to sleep in and then get ready in 45 minutes. We haven't been able to do that for 14 1/2 months!
This afternoon was nice. We came home from church and I just made chicken salad for lunch and Dani went right down for a nap. We just laid around and watched tv and relaxed. We pretty much did that all afternoon and evening. We did have to deal with a cranky baby when she woke up about 3:30 but we discovered the Mylicon drops and she calmed down.
This week promises to be pretty good. CJ has both Tuesday and Thursday off. I love having him home during the week. So does Dani. Our days are good with just us girls but he makes it great. I know that sounds really cheesy but it's true.
Monday, August 18, 2008
sickness
I am so freakin' sick of being sick or other people in my family being sick! Last night CJ didn't feel good and today I feel like I'm about to collapse into a heap. I feel so weak, my stomach is cramping and upset, my head is spinning with a monster headache and I think I'm running a fever. Thank God he gave a me a reprieve today. I put Dani down about noon for her second nap and she was asleep by 12:30. I was up for about an hour during which I finally ate! I rarely get breakfast with her. As soon as I ate I started to feel really sick and my headache came on so fast, it literally left my head spinning. By 1:30 I couldn't even sit up anymore. The problem with this is Dani is usually up after about 1 1/2 hour. I dragged myself into bed all the while praying that Dani would stay asleep for another hour just to give me some rest. I woke up after about an hour and she was still out! At 3, I called CJ at work and found out he was planning to stay late so I begged him to come home, praying Dani would stay asleep till he got home. He got home by 3:30 and she woke up at 3:37. Over 3 hours!!!! That's insane for her! She never does that! I think God just knew I couldn't handle it by myself.
I hope I feel better tomorrow or it could be a very, very long day
I hope I feel better tomorrow or it could be a very, very long day
Saturday, August 16, 2008
thankful
Tonight I was just sitting here. Thinking about my life since we've moved back to Iowa and I was just overwhelmed with appreciation and love for my husband CJ. So I'm going to brag on him a bit.
He is my hero. He says what he feels, loves those close to him and has complete trust in me. I can be completely open and honest with him and he doesn't judge me or use the info against me ever. In so many ways he's my perfect match. I've realized it more and more since we've moved back here. We've had to depend on each other more since we've left most of our friends and it's been a good thing. We both needed friendship in the worst way over the last few years and God provided them, however, since Dani was born, friendships have changed and taken on a different role in our lives. We are much more focused on our family now.
CJ has gone back to Hy-Vee here in IA and he doesn't have a ton of free time, but he has prioritized really well. He puts his family first and knows how to set limits so we, his girls, don't get jipped of the time we need. He is an incredible father to our little girl! I couldn't ask for a more adoring daddy for her. Her face completely lights up when he gets home for work! She loves him so much and he has earned that love!
As for me and him. I said earlier he is my perfect match... let me clarify that a bit. Our relationship is not perfect. We fight and get incredibly frustrated with each other. We both are yellers and sometimes our fights get loud. However, he is my opposite in all the right ways. He balances me when I need it and reminds me that my way isn't necessarily the right/only way. In fact, most of our similarities are where we get in trouble. We actually wish sometimes we were the opposite of each other in more ways than we already are!
When it boils down to it; he is an amazing man! I am lucky to have married him and I wouldn't have my life with anyone else.
He is my hero. He says what he feels, loves those close to him and has complete trust in me. I can be completely open and honest with him and he doesn't judge me or use the info against me ever. In so many ways he's my perfect match. I've realized it more and more since we've moved back here. We've had to depend on each other more since we've left most of our friends and it's been a good thing. We both needed friendship in the worst way over the last few years and God provided them, however, since Dani was born, friendships have changed and taken on a different role in our lives. We are much more focused on our family now.
CJ has gone back to Hy-Vee here in IA and he doesn't have a ton of free time, but he has prioritized really well. He puts his family first and knows how to set limits so we, his girls, don't get jipped of the time we need. He is an incredible father to our little girl! I couldn't ask for a more adoring daddy for her. Her face completely lights up when he gets home for work! She loves him so much and he has earned that love!
As for me and him. I said earlier he is my perfect match... let me clarify that a bit. Our relationship is not perfect. We fight and get incredibly frustrated with each other. We both are yellers and sometimes our fights get loud. However, he is my opposite in all the right ways. He balances me when I need it and reminds me that my way isn't necessarily the right/only way. In fact, most of our similarities are where we get in trouble. We actually wish sometimes we were the opposite of each other in more ways than we already are!
When it boils down to it; he is an amazing man! I am lucky to have married him and I wouldn't have my life with anyone else.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
contentment vs. complacency
When does contentment become complacency? I try to be content with what we have even though we barely are making it and some months we don't. I have pursued any jobs that would possibly work with CJ's schedule but nothing has panned out. So I am trusting God to provide money as we need it and he'll bring along the right job when he wants to. (Granted I have to keep my eyes open and pursue it when it comes.) It's just, so far, any job I've pursued, the door has shut in my face. So, I try to be content with what we have and make the budget work even if we cut out a lot. We are not able to make progress on debt like we want to but it's just not possible right now. We barely pay essentials! I want to pay down debt when I finally get a job but until then I am just going to be happy with paying the bills. Is that contentment or complacency?
doctor visits
I feel like I should rent my own room at the hospital lately. I've been taking Dani to the doctor so much recently. Then, today, I had to go myself. I got this really sore raised bump on the left, top side of my left foot. Plus, my ankle is a little swollen. I noticed it last night and overnight it got much worse. Not so much more swollen but much more sore. So I called about a million doctors offices and finally found one that was accepting new patients AND had an opening for today. (CJ was off and I didn't want to try to limp around taking care of Dani in yet another Dr office) Long story short, I have "tendinitis" in my foot. The tendon that flexes and pulls the foot inward is inflamed and very sore. I have no idea how it got inflamed but here I am in a very hot, uncomfortable boot in the middle of summer. Hopefully, it will get better soon.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
sick baby
Having a sick baby is so hard! Dani is so sick again! I took her to the doctor today and he said her infection is clearing up but she's got the flu now. So she's running another high fever, she threw up 3 times last night until she was just dry heaving and she's had diarrhea for 3 days now. I thought the diarrhea was just from the antibiotic. Nope, now I know. I really think I've been fighting this same bug for awhile now so I'm really really struggling with exhaustion. Like, right now, I soooo want to go take a nap while she is sleeping. But I know, if I do, I'll never sleep tonight. Happens every time! I just hope the flu goes away quickly and with the infection clearing up, I want her to feel better!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Good news
My good news today is two fold. One Dani is doing better. She's definitely not herself yet but she's feeling much better than she was Saturday. Also, I've lost 8 lbs so far!
To be honest it doesn't feel too real. I haven't done as much change as I want/need to yet. I haven't gotten into a exercise routine. I can count on one hand how many time's I've exercised. And although I have been eating better, I've not been nearly as good as I want/need to be. Really, I think the biggest change is simply I haven't been eating out nearly as much. Mostly that's been for money reasons but it's been obviously helping the diet too. hmmmmm, that's a nice discovery. Although, I've hated cooking so much. Me and the kitchen are not friends! :)
To be honest it doesn't feel too real. I haven't done as much change as I want/need to yet. I haven't gotten into a exercise routine. I can count on one hand how many time's I've exercised. And although I have been eating better, I've not been nearly as good as I want/need to be. Really, I think the biggest change is simply I haven't been eating out nearly as much. Mostly that's been for money reasons but it's been obviously helping the diet too. hmmmmm, that's a nice discovery. Although, I've hated cooking so much. Me and the kitchen are not friends! :)
Sunday, August 10, 2008
complexity of God
I was impressed yet again of how God deals with us each individually. We all worship in different ways, he speaks to us in different ways and we all grow in relationship with him in completely different ways. Why do we think there is only one good way to worship, pray and grow? Ever notice how people can be soooo completely different from others? Even in the same church, SS class, or even family. God made us all in his image. He is so complex he needed/wanted to make us all individuals. He is so many things and he can relate to us intimately because he has those same personality traits.
Today he showed me again how he speaks to me in music. I used to think this was bad because a lot of preachers or leaders would write off the emotional "meeting" I had with God during worship as just emotions and they would never bring real change. I beg to differ. I am never closer to God as when I am singing and this doesn't even have to worship songs, or even Christian music for that matter. I believe the most beautiful way he relates to me is through music. That is a small part of his personallity and he made is a big part of mine. I find comfort, awe, desire, and love for him in music and it doesn't leave me once the song is over! It's not (just) an emotional "high" for me. It's real communication and relationship with my Creator.
Today he showed me again how he speaks to me in music. I used to think this was bad because a lot of preachers or leaders would write off the emotional "meeting" I had with God during worship as just emotions and they would never bring real change. I beg to differ. I am never closer to God as when I am singing and this doesn't even have to worship songs, or even Christian music for that matter. I believe the most beautiful way he relates to me is through music. That is a small part of his personallity and he made is a big part of mine. I find comfort, awe, desire, and love for him in music and it doesn't leave me once the song is over! It's not (just) an emotional "high" for me. It's real communication and relationship with my Creator.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
worst day ever
This day may go down in history as one of my worst days as a mother. Last night, Dani woke up with a 103.1 fever and woke up about 4 times total through out the night. She was a wreck, therefore so was I. I got no sleep cuz I got up with her everytime since CJ had to work today and when I finally got back in bed, I had the hardest time going back to sleep. And not only did she get up 4 times last night she cried out in her sleep a ton. So once I got to sleep I would get woke up by her crying! That's not even the worst part.
Today I took her to the doctor. The only time they could get me in was right at the start of her naptime but I took it. The doctor got called to the hospital for a delivery so all the appts were delayed. So poor Dani, sick and hungry (I didnt' have enough food) and tired, waited and waited. The doctor finally saw us and after examining her decided we needed some tests done. We tested her for an UTI. Which, a catheter and a 14 month old combined, is about as bad as it gets. Then they had to do a whole blood workup. The nurses were great but they couldnt' get the vein cuz Dani was so tense. She was crying so hard I about lost it. Luckily it was a good nurse and she didn't take the needle out, she just tried moving it around so she wouldn't have to stick Dani again. Finally, finally, she got the blood they needed. Then we had to wait for an hour while the lab processed it. Dani was so miserable and so was I. Finally, we get the results back and they arent' good, but they also don't tell us much. She has an infection "somewhere" her white blood cell counts are elevated and CRP (it stands for something something protein) numbers were high. So they've started her on an anti-biotic and if she's not better by Monday I have to take her in again. No matter how she's feeling, I have to take her in again Wednesday to have the CRP levels checked again. More blood tests, yeah!
While we were waiting for the results, Dani finally crashed and was trying to sleep on me which she hasnt' done since she was 6 months old. But everytime a door slammed or a child cried she would startle and would have to be calmed down. Talk about draining. I sang to her almost the whole hour we waited. It was the only thing that kept her calm. For about a 15 minute interval I really started to panic. I started thinking about the fact that many many parents receive bad news everyday. Their child has cancer or some other serious illness. I started crying and really had to pull it together cuz I couldn't sing and it upset Dani. I am still scared and if I let myself think about it I start crying all over again. I know God can heal Dani if it turns out to be my worst nightmare but I also know sometimes he doesn't heal like we want. I know that and am at peace with that for the most part but it's never been my baby.
If this antibiotic doesn't work, I'm really scared we could be faced with a serious situation next week. I'm really trying to trust God and accept what comes. I'm also trying to not get worked up cuz it could be nothing but a sinus infection that will immediately clear up. Let's hope it is. Hopefully this will continue to reign as my worst day as a mother for a long long time.
Today I took her to the doctor. The only time they could get me in was right at the start of her naptime but I took it. The doctor got called to the hospital for a delivery so all the appts were delayed. So poor Dani, sick and hungry (I didnt' have enough food) and tired, waited and waited. The doctor finally saw us and after examining her decided we needed some tests done. We tested her for an UTI. Which, a catheter and a 14 month old combined, is about as bad as it gets. Then they had to do a whole blood workup. The nurses were great but they couldnt' get the vein cuz Dani was so tense. She was crying so hard I about lost it. Luckily it was a good nurse and she didn't take the needle out, she just tried moving it around so she wouldn't have to stick Dani again. Finally, finally, she got the blood they needed. Then we had to wait for an hour while the lab processed it. Dani was so miserable and so was I. Finally, we get the results back and they arent' good, but they also don't tell us much. She has an infection "somewhere" her white blood cell counts are elevated and CRP (it stands for something something protein) numbers were high. So they've started her on an anti-biotic and if she's not better by Monday I have to take her in again. No matter how she's feeling, I have to take her in again Wednesday to have the CRP levels checked again. More blood tests, yeah!
While we were waiting for the results, Dani finally crashed and was trying to sleep on me which she hasnt' done since she was 6 months old. But everytime a door slammed or a child cried she would startle and would have to be calmed down. Talk about draining. I sang to her almost the whole hour we waited. It was the only thing that kept her calm. For about a 15 minute interval I really started to panic. I started thinking about the fact that many many parents receive bad news everyday. Their child has cancer or some other serious illness. I started crying and really had to pull it together cuz I couldn't sing and it upset Dani. I am still scared and if I let myself think about it I start crying all over again. I know God can heal Dani if it turns out to be my worst nightmare but I also know sometimes he doesn't heal like we want. I know that and am at peace with that for the most part but it's never been my baby.
If this antibiotic doesn't work, I'm really scared we could be faced with a serious situation next week. I'm really trying to trust God and accept what comes. I'm also trying to not get worked up cuz it could be nothing but a sinus infection that will immediately clear up. Let's hope it is. Hopefully this will continue to reign as my worst day as a mother for a long long time.
Friday, August 8, 2008
parented again
I am so grateful that my parents are generous, giving people. But sometimes it is hard when I feel "parented" by them again. I was one of those teenagers that didn't want told what to do anyway, so to have it still done as an adult is really, really tough to take.
My parents have been incredibly generous since we've moved back. They've helped us a lot, even financially some. So my main struggle is I feel I can't talk to them about their comments because in a way they are "parenting" me again. Ya know, as a teen I never completely understood why their comments galled me so much and as an adult I haven't had to deal with comments so it wasn't an issue. It's a little disheartening to see me react in the same way to comments that are meant to help or guide. But my strong willed, rebellious spirit rears it ugly head every single time. I have to bite my tongue every time they say something. Is it me that's wrong to react that way or should they stop "parenting" me even as they help us occasionally.
My parents have been incredibly generous since we've moved back. They've helped us a lot, even financially some. So my main struggle is I feel I can't talk to them about their comments because in a way they are "parenting" me again. Ya know, as a teen I never completely understood why their comments galled me so much and as an adult I haven't had to deal with comments so it wasn't an issue. It's a little disheartening to see me react in the same way to comments that are meant to help or guide. But my strong willed, rebellious spirit rears it ugly head every single time. I have to bite my tongue every time they say something. Is it me that's wrong to react that way or should they stop "parenting" me even as they help us occasionally.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
as a mother
I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing sometimes as a mother. Right now I am sitting here trying to ignore my daughter as she is screaming at the top of her lungs in her crib. I made the mistake of going in and picking up her bear off the floor because she was having a terrible time going to sleep. She would nod off but then cry out because he wasn't with her. So I thought... "If I can just get in there and hand him to her she'll probably go right out" Um, no! She's been screaming ever since because I didn't get her out.
I make decisions everyday for Dani and CJ usually leaves most of them to me since I'm with her everyday, all day. Should we switch to milk now? How much mixed with formula? How fast do we replace the formula until it's all milk. What will she wear today? Does she need a bath today? Does she have an ear infection or is it just teething? Should we take her to the doctor or just wait another day? Is she ready for a nap? Why is she crying in her crib? Should go in or should we wait a bit and see if she goes to sleep? Why is she rejecting the food I'm giving her while signing she's wanting to eat? What should I feed her instead? Is she getting the right nutrition? Can she eat this size of bite or is it too big? and on and on and on. I seem to always the the decision maker whenever there is a question concerning Dani. I know, I know, I am with her all day and therefore probably know the answer better than anyone else but sometimes I get tired of always being responsible for someone else's well being. Why? Because usually I don't know more than anyone else! I'm just guessing too and if I make the wrong decision then everyone has to live with the consequences, including the innocent victim here, Dani. I know now why parents always feel guilty if their kids don't turn out "right". Because everyday the parents have probably felt like they've made wrong decisions and now those kids are "proving" them right.
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and husband!! I love them so much some days it hurts. But when I hear women gush about how they love being a mom and it is the best thing they've ever done and how they wouldn't change it for the world, I wonder if I'm the only one who feels completely inadequate and tired out by it all. Caring for a husband and child everyday of your life is hard! I know that CJ is not another child to care for and he doesn't make me to feel that way (most of the time) but he needs love and care just like I do. The difference is he hasn't been already doing that all day when he gets home. I know, I know, he's been working all day but that's usually a physical tiredness. What I'm talking about is a emotional exhaustion. Like, you have nothing more to give, you're just waiting for Saturday so maybe Mom can take Dani for a couple hours and then you find out she can't so you get no break and you have no idea when you're going to be able rejuvinate but you continue to love your family like they need. So you run on empty for days, just doing the best you can. Then you make stupid decisions like going in a picking up the darn bear. Let me tell ya, listening to your daughter cry for you is the most draining thing ever. But when you're rung dry, what's left anyway?
I make decisions everyday for Dani and CJ usually leaves most of them to me since I'm with her everyday, all day. Should we switch to milk now? How much mixed with formula? How fast do we replace the formula until it's all milk. What will she wear today? Does she need a bath today? Does she have an ear infection or is it just teething? Should we take her to the doctor or just wait another day? Is she ready for a nap? Why is she crying in her crib? Should go in or should we wait a bit and see if she goes to sleep? Why is she rejecting the food I'm giving her while signing she's wanting to eat? What should I feed her instead? Is she getting the right nutrition? Can she eat this size of bite or is it too big? and on and on and on. I seem to always the the decision maker whenever there is a question concerning Dani. I know, I know, I am with her all day and therefore probably know the answer better than anyone else but sometimes I get tired of always being responsible for someone else's well being. Why? Because usually I don't know more than anyone else! I'm just guessing too and if I make the wrong decision then everyone has to live with the consequences, including the innocent victim here, Dani. I know now why parents always feel guilty if their kids don't turn out "right". Because everyday the parents have probably felt like they've made wrong decisions and now those kids are "proving" them right.
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and husband!! I love them so much some days it hurts. But when I hear women gush about how they love being a mom and it is the best thing they've ever done and how they wouldn't change it for the world, I wonder if I'm the only one who feels completely inadequate and tired out by it all. Caring for a husband and child everyday of your life is hard! I know that CJ is not another child to care for and he doesn't make me to feel that way (most of the time) but he needs love and care just like I do. The difference is he hasn't been already doing that all day when he gets home. I know, I know, he's been working all day but that's usually a physical tiredness. What I'm talking about is a emotional exhaustion. Like, you have nothing more to give, you're just waiting for Saturday so maybe Mom can take Dani for a couple hours and then you find out she can't so you get no break and you have no idea when you're going to be able rejuvinate but you continue to love your family like they need. So you run on empty for days, just doing the best you can. Then you make stupid decisions like going in a picking up the darn bear. Let me tell ya, listening to your daughter cry for you is the most draining thing ever. But when you're rung dry, what's left anyway?
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
My weight
I am not going to post my weight on my very public blog but I am going to talk about it. I need to lose weight. I have for a long time. I have never been able to and now my parents have offered some incentives to help me and give me an extra boost of motivation during tough times.
I have a hard time not being bitter sometimes about my weight. I was "tested" for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 15. Back then, all they did was do an ultrasound to check and see if your ovaries we covered in cysts. Mine weren't so they said I didn't have it. They also tested me for thyroid problems. When my thyroid test came back it was fine but my insulin levels were high. Right then and there I should have been tested for insulin resistance, a condition that causes weight loss and PCOS, and a whole host of problems.
Needless to say I gained weight over the next 9 years like it was nobodies business. Finally, after being on my millionth diet and gaining 5 pounds I decided I needed to go to the doctor. Gasp, I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. This also explained the hell CJ and I had been going through trying to have a baby and coming up empty for years. I found out from this doctor how insulin resistance causes your body to store fat and never burn it. Thus the body has no energy but tons of fat layers. If I had been diagnosed back when I was 15, I would be at least 100 lbs lighter and probably have more children.
However, I have to deal with the here and now. I am what weight I am and I have to go from here. I'm setting a goal to lose 50 lbs over the next year. That's about 1 lb a week which is what Drs. tend to recommend. I hope that having accountablity and the incentives my parents are offering will help me do what I've never been able to do... Get to a healthy weight.
I have a hard time not being bitter sometimes about my weight. I was "tested" for PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) when I was 15. Back then, all they did was do an ultrasound to check and see if your ovaries we covered in cysts. Mine weren't so they said I didn't have it. They also tested me for thyroid problems. When my thyroid test came back it was fine but my insulin levels were high. Right then and there I should have been tested for insulin resistance, a condition that causes weight loss and PCOS, and a whole host of problems.
Needless to say I gained weight over the next 9 years like it was nobodies business. Finally, after being on my millionth diet and gaining 5 pounds I decided I needed to go to the doctor. Gasp, I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. This also explained the hell CJ and I had been going through trying to have a baby and coming up empty for years. I found out from this doctor how insulin resistance causes your body to store fat and never burn it. Thus the body has no energy but tons of fat layers. If I had been diagnosed back when I was 15, I would be at least 100 lbs lighter and probably have more children.
However, I have to deal with the here and now. I am what weight I am and I have to go from here. I'm setting a goal to lose 50 lbs over the next year. That's about 1 lb a week which is what Drs. tend to recommend. I hope that having accountablity and the incentives my parents are offering will help me do what I've never been able to do... Get to a healthy weight.
Sunday School Class
Our new Sunday School class just started Sunday. We only had one family show but I think next week there will probably be at least three more. I had two families that had signed up and just forgot it started this week and another woman talked to me about trying it out. I think it's going to be a good group to start with. Definitely a variety.
I soooo want this group to be different than just your typical SS class. I want us to be tight so we can help each other through some crap we are or will be going through. Then, through our closeness, I want us to reach out to others in our community. I really hope service projects, charity work, etc will be a regular activity for us. The first one I've thought of is to find some elderly shut ins or almost shut-ins and do yard work this fall when all the leaves are falling and lawns typically need a lot of work.
Inside the church I see us being leaders too. There is a lot of talk in our church, (as in most churches) about what's wrong, what needs to change and how we aren't as effective as we should be. I envision our class as those that will start doing things that need done to make our church what it can be. I'm hoping if we, as a group, get passionate about reaching out to our community in effective and new ways that it will catch on in the church. I see alot of potential but a lot of apathy in our church and I think we just need to be reminded to be like Jesus. Not to have Jesus feed me, revive my spirits, serve my needs. But to feed others, revive others' spirits, serve others' needs.
This area of Iowa has a lot of low income families. We have a lot of opportunities to serve them. But we can't expect them to come to us. We have to go to them and meet them where there at.
One very important dream I have it a ministry call "Angel Food Ministries" It was everywhere in KC where we moved from. Here? The closest one is in IL about 2 hrs away. Angel Food is a program where anyone can order a box of food valued at about $60-$70 for $30. That's a big deal for people struggling to make ends meet. There's no income requirement, no limit to # of boxes. This could be a great way to serve the people in our community with no strings attached. Plus, as an added bonus, for every box the church sells, the ministry donates $1 to the church's benevolence fund. (the fund the churches uses to help those in need) So we'd have a bigger fund to help more people.
I have a lot of ideas that I hope to start with this group. I know we won't be able (or willing for that matter) to do it all by ourselves. But maybe, just maybe, we can show the church what we believe Jesus would have us doing and they'll want to join in.
I soooo want this group to be different than just your typical SS class. I want us to be tight so we can help each other through some crap we are or will be going through. Then, through our closeness, I want us to reach out to others in our community. I really hope service projects, charity work, etc will be a regular activity for us. The first one I've thought of is to find some elderly shut ins or almost shut-ins and do yard work this fall when all the leaves are falling and lawns typically need a lot of work.
Inside the church I see us being leaders too. There is a lot of talk in our church, (as in most churches) about what's wrong, what needs to change and how we aren't as effective as we should be. I envision our class as those that will start doing things that need done to make our church what it can be. I'm hoping if we, as a group, get passionate about reaching out to our community in effective and new ways that it will catch on in the church. I see alot of potential but a lot of apathy in our church and I think we just need to be reminded to be like Jesus. Not to have Jesus feed me, revive my spirits, serve my needs. But to feed others, revive others' spirits, serve others' needs.
This area of Iowa has a lot of low income families. We have a lot of opportunities to serve them. But we can't expect them to come to us. We have to go to them and meet them where there at.
One very important dream I have it a ministry call "Angel Food Ministries" It was everywhere in KC where we moved from. Here? The closest one is in IL about 2 hrs away. Angel Food is a program where anyone can order a box of food valued at about $60-$70 for $30. That's a big deal for people struggling to make ends meet. There's no income requirement, no limit to # of boxes. This could be a great way to serve the people in our community with no strings attached. Plus, as an added bonus, for every box the church sells, the ministry donates $1 to the church's benevolence fund. (the fund the churches uses to help those in need) So we'd have a bigger fund to help more people.
I have a lot of ideas that I hope to start with this group. I know we won't be able (or willing for that matter) to do it all by ourselves. But maybe, just maybe, we can show the church what we believe Jesus would have us doing and they'll want to join in.
why?
Why am I doing this? I got the idea from my brother. His blog is how my family keeps up with him. I really don't need my blog for that reason as much as him but I like the idea of being able to "diary" things I'm learning and doing. A lot is changing in my life. My little girl, Dani, changes everyday. I'm learning so much in my walk with Christ. I'm getting involved in a new church and participating/leading some new things that are happening there. To top it all off, my parents have challenged me to lose weight before a cruise in less than two years. I have struggled with weight my whole life and am still struggling with it! Maybe if I write down my feelings and/or struggles I'll see more clearly why I have struggled so much.
So this blog will hopefully be my outlet for struggles, a diary of sorts and a source of communication with my friends and family. Enjoy!
So this blog will hopefully be my outlet for struggles, a diary of sorts and a source of communication with my friends and family. Enjoy!
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